Looking into the mirror, Sheila told herself today was the day. She carefully applied some eyeliner, thinking about how she would approach Jeremy. As she stroked the mascara brush over her eyelashes she thought of all the things she might say, “I really like you…” no, too childish she thought. “So, you and me, tonight. Drinks?” definitely too forward, what was she, James Bond? She gently brushed the blusher onto her cheeks, her and Jeremy had been friends for an age, playing jokes on eachother, always flirting but never taking the final step. She liked him though, she really liked him. She thought that he liked her too, but was probably too shy or didn’t want to ruin the friendship. She had decided it was up to her to make the first move. Today was the day.
Sheila began to head downstairs and as she passed the ornate, floor-length mirror in the upstairs hall, she had a quick glance to evaluate her outfit. Tight blue jeans, low heels, powder blue tank-top and white shirt. Comfortable, classy and friendly but much more effort put in than the tracksuit bottoms or pyjamas that Jeremy was probably used to by now. “It’ll do,” she thought.
Arriving in the kitchen, she checked the fridge to make sure snacks and drinks were in order. She didn’t know if they were going to stay in or go out, considering today was the day. Bottle of lemonade, half of a ‘summer fruits’ gateau, chicken from the night before. That should be sufficient, usually it was crisps and a takeaway but today was going to be different. She was going to build up to it and hopefully ask him out for dinner, at least that was the plan. How she was going to do it she wasn’t sure, but that was the plan.
While fussing about all the small details, there was a very sudden and alarming ringing. The doorbell had been rung. She checked the time, he was half an hour early, she did not feel ready.
Feeling flustered, she rushed to the front door, quickly checking her hair in the mirror in the downstairs hall. The intensity of the moment had caught her by surprise, she had hair sticking up all over. As she tried to flatten it down and stroke it back, she thought about how her hair would be the straw that broke the camel's back, that everything was going to snowball downhill from here. With gusto, she quickly swung open the front door.
“Nice to see Jeremy” she said, looking directly into his eyes. He laughed endearingly, as if this was not the first time she had said something that didn’t make a lot of sense. Immediately Sheila looked at the floor, realising what she had done. She meant to say “Hello Jeremy, nice to see you” and in the fluster mixed the two phrases together. It happens to everyone once in a while but why today!? Today was meant to be ‘the day.’
She gestured Jeremy inside, he smiled and headed straight for the living room. “How are you feeling today?” he asked, as he passed her in the hall.
“Fine… Great, thank you!” She quickly replied with a smile.
“Wonderful.” He nodded and sat down on the sofa, “Nothing to drink?”
“Oh, sorry!” She quickly headed into the kitchen and returned with two tall glasses of lemonade.
“Oh, this is lovely. It’s so hot today.” Jeremy sighed, as he wiped sweat from his forehead “Lovely sun though, gotta make the most of it while it lasts.”
At this point, Sheila thought about making the most of the sun, and thought this might be an excellent opportunity to ask Jeremy if he wanted to go to a cafe in the sun or something. She tried to get the words out, but they got caught in her throat. “Sorry, I’ll be right back. Bathroom.” She gestured towards the door. She got up and knocked her shin on the coffee table as she headed towards the bathroom “Sorry.” she muttered.
Looking into the bathroom mirror, she wondered why she wasn’t able to get the words out. Was there something wrong with her? She’d asked boys out before but this felt different. They’d been friends for such a long time, and asking the question seemed like it was so much pressure. She thought she’d try and build up to it more, like she had planned in the first place. She washed her hands, and headed back to the living room.
“Sorry about that.” she laughed, as she sat down next to Jeremy. “Have you been up to much today?”
“Not really. Had a shower, moved some of those palettes and then headed over here.” At the thought of working in the sun, Jeremy took a large drink from his ice cold lemonade “Mmmm.”
“Oh, the ones your dad left on the driveway?” Sheila inquired knowingly.
“Mmmhmm”
Seeing Jeremy drinking from his glass, Sheila followed suit and drank most of her lemonade in one long motion. She coughed and spluttered as she got to the end.
“Slow down!” Jeremy exclaimed, “You’re not a fish you know….” He laughed at the thought.
Not knowing what to say or what to do, Sheila sat there in silence for a few minutes. Jeremy sat back on the sofa and continued to enjoy his lemonade. After some time had passed, Sheila decided it was time to get some more lemonade, as she had drunk all of hers much faster, and Jeremy still had most of his. “I’ll be back in a moment” She mumbled.
As she stood up, she started to feel light headed. She looked around and realised that her living room looked different to how she remembered it. The lampshades didn’t really look like the ones she remembered buying, and the television was much smaller than it seemed yesterday. She thought this was strange, but at this moment a large fish swam past her front door. In shock she dropped her empty glass onto the plush, pulsating carpet. She had to know what was going on, and summing up all the courage she could muster, Sheila decided to follow the fish.
Stepping out of the front door was miraculous, as she did so, it was like stepping from the inside of a submarine onto the ocean floor. There were fish everywhere, all different colours, swimming around in schools. In the distance she saw a whale pass by, a massive beast that seemed to cry out to her from afar “Sheeeeiiiilllaaaaa” It moaned, in the way that whales do. She turned around to tell Jeremy about what she was seeing but unfortunately, her front door had vanished, and had been replaced by a large ravine. Looking down, it seemed to go on forever, an endless pit to the core of the earth. “Oh, better not go that way.” She thought to herself, “Maybe the whale knows where my house has gone….” So naturally, she decided to head over and ask.
Walking a bit further across the bottom of the ocean, she noticed that considering she was quite far underwater, she wasn’t having much trouble breathing. In a flash of inspiration she decided to search for gills. “Maybe I’m a mermaid?” She pondered. Lo and behold, as she put her fingers to her neck, there she felt small flaps of skin akin to that of a fish. “Ah! That explains it.” Looking down, she realised that she didn’t seem to have legs at all, in fact she hadn’t been walking at all. She had been swimming with her large, beautifully scaled, blue-green tail. “I AM a mermaid” She cried with joy, “I knew it, I just knew it.” And from there, she decided to set off towards where the whale had headed, in search of answers. She couldn’t quite remember what she was going to ask, but whatever it was, she knew the whale had the answer.
As she swam along, she noticed two crabs having an argument. They seemed to be fighting over which was the king crab. There was a polished golden crown that each was holding with a single claw, the other claw snipping at the other crab.
“Oi am the king.” grumbled one of the crabs,
“Nay, oi am the real king.” gargled the other.
“No no no!” Sheila cried. “Why are you fighting?”
“Oi reserve the right to the kingdom of all crabs” garbled the first crab, looking at Sheila with disdain and disgust, “Who are you to question me, the royal heir of King Clawdius the fifth, master of the 9 realms and greatest snapper known to crab-kind?”
“No you don’t!” Squealed the second crab “Oi am the rightful king of crabs, for oi married Princess Clementine, and oi continue to hold the hearts and minds of the crab men and women that have met me in royal court”
“You… You literally have their hearts and brains in a shell under your rock. I’ve seen it Harry. It’s disgusting.”
“No… I… I mean..”
“Please Miss, help me win this battle. Oi must regain my fathers crown from this heretic.”
“Alright,” Sighed Sheila. “What are your names again?”
“Oi’m Harry,” confirmed both crabs simultaneously.
“Well well, this is no good at all… I think I know how to solve this though…”
“Well how’s that then?” Blubbed Harry.
At that moment, Sheila snatched the crown and swam away as fast as she could. “Now I’m the king of the crabs!” she gleefully announced.
As Sheila got up and dropped her glass, walked out of the room mouth wide open, Jeremy shook his head with a smile on his face. Dropping that tab of acid into Sheila’s drink was the best prank he’d played all week, they’d laugh about this for years to come, he thought. Looking out the window he saw her approach two small children, and steal one of their hats, proceeding to run down the street giggling. He decided to follow, today was going to be a good day.