It’s always fascinating to me how so many things have to happen in perfect sequence to get a certain outcome. How if just one step is different or missed, how much it can completely change your life. Here I was just getting back to my hometown Phoenix after working with my friend in Denver for a year with all kinds of plans and within hours of checking into my Airbnb, that all got flipped upside down and thrown out the window. Thrown out the window because of something entirely unexpected and amazing, her. Her name was Charity and I was hooked from the moment I saw her.
Backing up a little bit, I moved to Denver in 2023 to work with my friend's roofing company and possibly plant some roots out there but it wasn’t working out for a few different reasons. Mainly because of the friend/business thing and me realizing how terrified of heights I am. Denver’s roofs are definitely not the same as Phoenix roofs. Another reason was that I’m pretty close to my family so it sucked being that far from them. Some people would tell me, “You’re only a 2 hour flight away from them.” but it’s way more than that so I ended up moving back.
I’ve rented through this Airbnb manager before in the past and he was always nice to work with. Also, there was a great hiking trail nearby the house and I was trying to get back in shape since I never had time for that when working in Denver so I reached out to book a room with him for a few months while I found a new place and new job.
My check-in was February 1st and I got there a day late after visiting my sisters. So it’s the 2nd now and I head down to check in. I knew that I didn’t have anything to do those next few days and I was a little tired from the packing and traveling so I figured I would grab a bottle of something to drink and beers and stay in and play some Warships with friends.
When I first got to the house it was dead quiet, no surprise though since it was only around 4pm. I get into my room, unpack a few things, rearrange the room a little, set up my Playstation, go into the kitchen for a cup and ice, pour a drink and turn on my game.
After about an hour of playing and sipping on a big glass of Jack Daniel’s, I heard one of the roommates was getting home and rustling about in the kitchen. I’m not proud of it but I’m kind of one of those people that don’t care about meeting someone new unless I have to. I don’t know why and what makes it weird is that as soon as I meet someone, say hi to them and shake their hand, I almost always immediately like them. I know that about myself and that I was going to be there for a few months so I figured I’d go introduce myself and get it out of the way. That sounded like a pretty good idea especially since I had some hootch in me.
So I went into the kitchen to say hi and the roommate turned out to be a pretty cool guy. He was younger and easy to talk to and I think he was having a few beers too since it was Friday. Just like a lot of people, I get especially talkative when I’m drinking. Funny thing is I can’t remember exactly what we were talking about that whole time. What I do remember was seeing her for the first time and my jaw dropping to the floor.
To be fair though, I have to back up a little more to paint a better picture of exactly what happened.
So I’ve been single for a lot of my adult life and I always get asked why. So much to where I’ve asked myself why and I always came up with a few things. The first thing was that since I was about 12 years old I got into being one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and I was in the religion until I was about 24 years old. They are pretty strict about being with another Witness and I was always very impressed by the organization so ended up adopting that same mindset but there were never that many girls my age in the congregations I went to and I never considered getting with a “worldly” girl. I kind of regret that. Passing up different ones that I really liked and even loved because they weren’t a Witness. I try not to dwell on it though, I’d rather just move on.
The other thing is that I’m the biggest procrastinator in the world, hands down. Not so much now that I’m in my mid-30’s but when I was in my 20’s. I always figured Ms. Right would come along, I’d know it and settle down. The thing is a few Ms. Right’s did come along. Ones that I was in love with and that loved me but I never locked them down. I just put it off I guess.
Then one time I was watching one of my favorite shows, The Crown and one of the season’s basically all about Prince Charle’s search for a wife and that drama that went along with that. Prince Charles’ uncle, Mountbatten, was talking to him about his search for a girl and he said to him, “What’s taking so long boy? If you feel she’s the right one then snap her up.” and that made a big impression on me. I thought to myself, “Why’d nobody ever tell me that?”. It made such an impression on me that I even tell it to my nephews. Seeing her reminded me of that scene. I knew immediately that I wanted to snap her up and make her mine.
So there I was back in the kitchen with my new friend, seeing her walk in and thinking how everything about her was driving me crazy. How tall she was, how full of cheer she was, her little midwestern accent, she was gorgeous, cute, beautiful and stunning all rolled into one. Helen of Troy. Then there was her smile. I’d never seen a smile like hers before. I honestly don’t think anyone in the history of our planet has ever seen a smile like hers before.
I was eventually able to pick my jaw up off the floor after seeing her and I just kept thinking one thing, “Keep this little angel out here in the kitchen as long as you possibly can!”. Do anything, say anything, make her laugh, tell her something interesting, play music for her, pour shots, dance around, ask her things, so that is what I did and it worked.
Because of the hootch, I can’t confidently say that I remember exactly what we were talking about. Mostly a few stories that I was telling them about myself like having brain surgery, my time in Denver and hearing a few stories from her and falling through one of the chairs on the patio but that made everyone laugh so I didn’t mind it. The night was going on for a while and there was a lot of going back and forth between the kitchen and to the patio to smoke, then back to the kitchen to drink and back to the patio to smoke.
One of the last times that we went back to the kitchen I remember going into full DJ mode and queuing like 12 good songs on my speaker to keep the vibes going and it was working. I can’t remember what song it was but something came on that sounded good and I only had my socks on so I started sliding and dancing around on the tile to try and be entertaining. It was easy though I was on cloud 9 and having a blast. Then me and her ended up dancing together and that led to us kissing. Then that led to me picking her up and taking her to my room. After that night, we were together every day for the next two months and it was great. I was in love.
What was weird about those two months was that they simultaneously felt like the longest and shortest two months of my life. Sometimes I would look at a calendar and think, “It’s only the 8th?” or some random date because it felt like it’d been forever. Everything was going in slow motion and I was loving it. It was like we were both instantly in the honeymoon phase and instantly living together. It was a ton of fun and we were both having a lot of fun with each other but looking back now I was probably having a little too much fun.
During those couple of months, we did everything together. Ate together, slept together, went out, watched shows and movies together, cooked, cleaned, drove around, went to the store, hiked together, went on dates, she met my family, I met some of her friends and then started to learn a lot about each other. Our habits, our past, our quirks, our goals, our childhood, our likes, our dislikes, our humor, our shows, our foods, our insecurities, our fears, our losses, things that have happened to us, places we’ve been, almost everything. Then she started to learn about my drinking.
Ever since I can remember starting to drink in high school, I’ve always had this “start your engines” mindset. It was like a quote I heard in a movie once, “The man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.”. Never have 16 words been more true. I would drink to get drunk. It kind of even happened that first night I met her but luckily the rush of meeting her was keeping me a little more level. Most of the time though, when I drank, I got blackout drunk.
It was never that big of a deal to anyone at first because I didn’t drink that often. Maybe every other weekend at a party or going out but then quarantine hit during and it was the perfect storm. I was drinking all the time.
When the pandemic hit, almost all of my friends were doing the same thing. They were either drinking, playing games online or drinking and playing games online. I was one of the ones that was drinking and playing games online. At first I did it because there was nothing else to do and it was a good way to stay in touch with people. I was even talking to out of state friends that I hadn’t talked to in a long time. Eventually, it became a habit and I was starting to make a routine of it.
I honestly didn’t think it was a big deal since I was safe inside, I wasn’t driving, I had money saved up, I wasn’t out at a bar buying everyone drinks being dumb and there wasn’t really anything else to do. I still don’t think it was a big deal but the problem was that, after quarantine ended, I kept on doing it. Not as much but it was still a dumb habit especially because I moved from smoking weed and drinking beer to just beer and then to beer and liquor. Then it made my tolerance go through the roof and I already had a high tolerance before Covid. On top of that, I’m 36 now and drinking liquor till I blackout wasn’t the same as beer drinking in my 20's. At least then I would have a little more control and I would usually remember where and when the night ended.
I would even tell people after hearing about my drunken antics, “Oh that wasn’t me, that was the other Buddy.” and it was funny at first but not when it was always the other Buddy. At first he’s funny and goofy but then he gets sloppy, then he could barely put a sentence together and then I’ve heard that sometimes he just goes blank. It was unattractive and she saw that.
Not only did she see it, but she saw it a lot. I was probably blacked out drunk nine or ten different times in just that first month and about three or four of those times, I was in my room playing the game drinking alone. I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking. Why did I think that was okay for her to see? Why did I think that was okay to even do in the first place?
I would always hear those kind of things from everyone. My friends, my mom, my sister, my aunt’s, my stepdad, everyone. A few times even from acquaintances but I’d always lie and tell myself it wasn’t that big of a deal. Unfortunately I ended up pushing her away before I realized that it actually was a big deal. Honestly though, I think the only way I was ever going to realize that was by losing her.
I read somewhere that you can tell when the honeymoon phase is over when things that were cute in the beginning weren’t cute anymore and I think that’s what happened with the drinking. After all the nights and days of going out and drinking way too much, I heard about it from her and it hit hard. It hit me harder than anything anyone has ever said to me.
I’ll never forget that day, it was March 25th, 2024. She was working that day and I had to bail on seeing my mom the week before so I made sure to go up there that day to have coffee with her, my aunt and sister. Mostly to catch up on catching up since getting back from Colorado.
After hanging out with my family for most of the morning and afternoon I ended up heading home. I knew she wasn’t going to be home until later that night and I didn’t have anything else to do the rest of the day so I let myself talk myself into stopping by the gas station and grabbing a bottle of Hornitos and a couple tall boys. I got home and jumped online to play with some friends to kill some time.
When she got home, she came into my room to say hi and went into her room to shower. She saw that I was drinking and playing the game again so she knew I was probably going to be drunk soon and ended up staying in her room to watch tv and catch up on some of her shows. After about a few hours of her being home, she came into my room, sat on my bed and started talking to me about the drinking. It caught me way off guard. Mostly because, almost every time that I drank and got messed up in front of her, I usually asked her the next day how I was because I wanted to hear what she thought about how drunk I was and I never heard much concern from her. A few times she said it was funny so I figured that I was okay and that she didn’t mind that much so I kept on doing it.
When she sat on the bed she started talking to me about how she was worried that it could affect our future and that it worried her because she saw that I would get blacked out drunk every time and that I’d even do it in the room by myself. She even said that she was worried because what if we had kids and I was watching them and drinking. I felt like such an idiot to give her those doubts.
It was one thing hearing it from family and friends but completely different hearing it from someone I was in love with. Hearing it from her lips, from her heart, from her voice. Hearing the genuine concern in her tone and her seriousness. It was the most crushing thing I’ve ever experienced. I felt like I disappointed her, like I let her down, like I chose to be drunk over her and made her question being with me. I realized that all the times we were out how not cool it was for me to get as wasted as I did and left her watching me when it should’ve been the other way around. I should’ve been there to watch and take care of her. I felt small. I felt a level of sorry that I couldn’t express with words so I just took it all in. I remember saying over and over that I would do anything for her because I knew deep down that I could because she meant that much to me. That night, I knew I was done with the binge drinking, it was a no brainer.
The next day I woke up and felt different. I felt change had come over me after that night. Hearing what she said and how she said it. I think it was the most impactful thing that someone’s ever said to me.
We ended up not doing anything most of the day. We just stayed in together watching shows and movies which was perfect for me because I was a little hungover and that was one of my favorite things to do with her but the next few days after that felt different. I felt her growing away from me. I tried to ignore it and make up reasons on why she was being standoffish. I told myself that I was over analyzing, something that I do a lot, but looking back, I wasn’t. She was different. She wasn’t the same and it was tough. Then, eventually, at the end of that week came the end of us. And the end of my appetite and my ability to sleep and my ability to think and the ability to focus on anything else but her and the heartbreak.
It was a rainy Easter Sunday. She was in her room from sleeping alone the night before and I was in mine. I didn’t want to barge in early because I felt like giving her some space. Then later in the morning I went into her room to jump in bed with her for a little before we did anything that day.
When I went into her bed she didn’t move towards me like she usually did so I moved closer. Then I felt her move away and it was crushing. She got up after a few minutes and went to the bathroom. She came back into her bed with one of her cute little smiles but it didn’t seem real so I said it. I told her that it felt like something was different with us and she agreed.
She didn’t say anything specific about what she felt was off, just that she said she didn’t have a good feeling about me and about us. I thought that she might not have even known what it was so I asked a few more times to get the real reason out, thinking it was the drinking but she just left it as a bad feeling that she had in her gut.
I told her it kind of felt like a 2 month long one night stand and she didn’t like that. I guess I just meant that it was so spontaneous and moved so fast. I think I was in a little shock too. I wish I would’ve made a bigger deal about it because of how much she meant to me but I didn’t. I just said that I understood and walked out of her room. It didn't hit me at first but eventually it started to sink in and it sucked.
Honestly, my first thought was that I wanted to escape and the best way I knew that was to drink but there was no way that was happening since that’s what got me there in the first place and I knew that it wouldn’t be the same. It would only end taking me into a dark place and being drunk and in a dark place is a bad recipe. I started Googling what to do, what happened and how to win her back. Anything to pass the time so that it would turn to night and I could escape into sleep but even that didn’t work. I think I ended up getting acute sleep insomnia, something I’ve never experienced before but I read that it’s normal sometimes after a bad breakup. You’re basically awake and alert as ever staring at the ceiling or TV or your phone at 3 AM in the morning like it was the middle of the day.
Sometimes I’d be able to pass out for 2 hours but that was it. Then every time I woke up it was back to the worst feeling in the world. Those 1 to 2 seconds of coming around and remembering where I was, what just happened and what was going on. I’d keep telling myself that I had to keep going, keep living and that it would get better. 3 months is what they say on Google for getting over a bad breakup but I didn’t think that applied at all to the kind of heartbreak I was experiencing. I didn’t think that anyone’s ever felt it the way I was.
What do I do now? I read that the best thing to do is give her as much space as I could so that's what I did. When I was home, I was just in my room, watching Netflix or YouTube and thinking of things to do to get me out of the house.
The first two days I just let myself grief and loaded up my to-do list for the third day so that I could be busy and that helped a lot.
The thing on my to-do list that I was looking forward to the most, was to talk to someone about it and to hear my thoughts spoken out loud to hear and digest them. My first victim to hear about was my poor mom. It was the best relief and healing though, to be able to talk to her, even if it was at a loud, hectic restaurant with my two nephews but they didn’t care.
I made sure to try and keep my sentences short and brief because I knew that hearing myself tell the story might make me breakdown right then and there. Funny thing is that I didn't cry or anything during the first few days, but we all know how that changes when you start hearing the words spoken out loud. It’s like you start feeling sorry for the person or in this case feeling sorry for myself but I was fighting it.
Later after we were done with breakfast, we went back to my moms house and we all played Uno and that was helping. It didn't hurt that I went 2 for 3 and it was one of my first times playing but I think my mom saw my cards and was feeding me wins.
The day went on and more family ended up coming over to my moms which was a great distraction especially because it was unexpected.
After the family trickled out I ended up staying to talk more to my mom and tell her about everything and how it happened. I wanted her to hear the whole story of what happened.
After getting through everything I was finally able to hear what she had to say and what she thought about it and it felt like it was exactly what I needed to hear. She even talked me into texting her that night and that it wasn’t always good to give someone too much space. She told me that she should know that I was willing to fight for her. I told her that it could end up pushing her away even more so I argued against it but, honestly, I was looking for any reason to reach out to her.
I typed up about 5 or 6 drafts. I honestly was trying to come up with the least desperate version. I finally sent the last one through and it showed Delivered. I was glad to see that because I wasn't exactly sure if I was but I did. I didn't expect to hear anything back but there's still that anticipation so instead of staring at my phone all night I put it on the charger and watched the basketball game with my stepdad.
I ended up staying at my parents for a few nights after that day. I definitely didn’t want to go back to the Airbnb and back to my room. I guess it was also a self preservation thing to try and keep some distance between her and I.
Same thing happened that night, two hours of sleep, wake up, and two more hours of sleep, wake up and back to sleep. When I woke up for good I went to scrolling on YouTube and Google's front page, then YouTube and back to Google like I've been doing the past few days, almost like an autopilot thing to pass time. Surprisingly enough, between one of the back and forths, I saw a badge on my text and opened it. It was her and it almost felt like time froze for a minute.
I’m not sure why but I had no idea what she was going to say. I wasn’t sure if she was going to be annoyed, if she was going to say that she missed me or give me a short yes or no but it was pretty good. I basically told her that I was thinking about her constantly and that I was up for talking to her when she was ready. She told me that she was off in a few days and was up to talk on Saturday and that gave me some hope.
It’s a few days later now on Saturday and I was back at our Airbnb. I kind of wasn’t sure how to approach it at that point. I wasn’t sure if I should give her space and let her come to me or bust in her door and come across desperate so I decided on something in between. I waited till it was later in the morning and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk and talk because I definitely didn’t want to talk in one of our rooms.
About an hour goes by and I heard her take off to go somewhere. She texted me a little while after she left and told me she was going out to meet some friends and that worked for me.
I was able to stay pretty busy that day by hiking and met with one of my friends after for food. Anything sounded better than sitting in that room waiting for her to get back. She texted later that night when I was with my friend that she was back at the house and if I wanted to talk. I told her I’d be home in about 30 minutes and ended up calling my sister. I guess I wanted to hear what she thought about what I was going to say to her.
When I got home I went to take a shower, get a few things out of my car and then I knocked on her door. I had all kinds of emotions running through me, it was crazy. I felt anxious, stressed, nervous, afraid, hopeful, relieved, uncertain, excited, just everything. More than I think I’ve ever felt at the same time, I guess I had no idea what to expect. Funny thing was that as soon as she opened the door and I saw her face all of those emotions went away. I immediately felt so relaxed.
We went to the back patio and talked for about an hour. I was basically telling her that I have been thinking hard about why it ended and what was giving her a bad feeling in her gut and that I came up with the drinking and a few other things but mostly the drinking. She said that really wasn’t even it which was a surprise to me. She said it was more of some things that were going on with her and how she was hesitant about what her family would think about bringing me back home with her. I think it was conflicting for her because we did talk about those things the first few months but it was kind of pillow talk. It was like there were so many butterflies that anything sounded great as long as we were together. .
I basically just told her not to worry about it and that we’d be able to figure it out. It was easy for me because she’d already met my family but I hadn’t met any of hers, only a few of her friends. Thinking about it now it was pretty silly to expect her to show up back at home with some guy she met at one of her Airbnb’s and that this guy’s dropping everything in his life, moving 2000 miles to be with her and then they live together happily ever after. It just doesn’t really work that way and I’m not sure why I thought it would.
She agreed to not worry about it and I told her she wouldn’t have to worry about the drinking anymore either. Before we ended a week ago, we were planning on a trip to San Diego and the next day was the day we were supposed to be leaving. I asked her if she was still going and she said that she was and wanted me to come with her. Of course I did want to so I jumped straight on to the airline website to book a ticket and was even able to get on her same flight.
Everything was going great and I was hopeful. I even messaged my sister and mom that we were leaving the next morning and it was sounding really good. The rest of the night I held her as much as I could and started going through my list of things to pack.
The morning came around and I started to get my things together. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time but it didn’t feel like it did before. Almost like there was a little tension but I knew it was because the breakup was still fresh so I ignored it.
We got to the airport then to our gate and started looking for somewhere to eat and have airport drinks while we waited to board. It was weird because sometimes it felt like the first few months and other times it wouldn’t. Before it was like she was my little toy that I could do anything to and with and she’d loved it all. I think the different also came from me mind fucking myself to be different around her and mostly not smother her so much because I did.
We get to San Diego, check into our Airbnb, start planning on things to do for the rest of the day and head out. First place we went was to this shopping area in La Jolla because we both needed things for the trip. It was nice being back with her and a gorgeous day out. Sometimes it did feel a little off, I didn’t have the same confidence in us but most of the time it was normal as it was before.
We found a place to eat at and get some drinks which I’d been dying for. Not so much because I was craving alcohol but I just wanted something to take the edge off. The place we went to was really good and had some of the best french fries I’ve ever had.
We finished eating at the restaurant and went down to the beach to catch the sunset and it was nice. We even got the waitress to make us some to-go drinks to take down there. I knew it was going to get really cold once the sun started going down so I had on two shirts. I could see that she was starting to get cold so I gave her one of my shirts and I loved that.
The second day we planned on spending the whole day at the beach together and I was loving every minute of it. I loved that it was just me and her laying there, listening to the ocean, playing music, her drinking her wine, me drinking beers, doing shots at the bar together, eating oysters, going back down to the sand after, making out in front of all the seagulls, then going back to our Airbnb and jumping in the jacuzzi still covered in sand and holding her against me in the hot tub. It was perfect. One of the best days of my life.
The rest of the trip was good but I fucked up the last day. We decided to hang out at the beach all day while we waited for our redeye flight. I loved that idea but it seemed like nothing was going right. First I took us to a brunch place I’d been eyeballing for a few days because I liked their menu but they turned out to be closed that particular day of the week which was weird. No biggie though, it was actually pretty funny at the time. The next place we got to was really good and probably better than what I first picked. Then we got an Uber to the beach and I ended up leaving my phone in the car. I felt like such an idiot because that was like the third time I’ve done that with her and now we were in a different city. I tried not letting it ruin the morning. I kept telling her and telling myself that it was an old beat up phone which it was but it was still annoying.
Then about 5 hours laying there on the beach we go and look for something to eat and that’s where things really went south for me. We ended up finding this small restaurant that looked good and wasn't overcrowded so we went in and it was nice but it was at that place that I did the dumbest thing, something that I’m going to regret for a long time.
It’s really embarrassing so I’m not going to go into it too much but basically, I was buzzed and having a shitty day and misreading things badly. I ended up overreacting about something and it led me to do something really stupid later that night.
After drinking mine and her giant margaritas, we got to the airport and I kept drinking. I didn’t think that I was getting out of hand but a few days later she did say that I was starting to. I just knew I didn’t want to be sober on the plane and I wasn’t in the best mood. I guess I didn’t care anymore.
After we got back to Phoenix and drinking another IPA on the plane I did the dumbest thing and told her that I wanted to go back to giving her space. I don’t know why I said that. I think I did because I felt like it was best for us to have more space and go slower but I think it came across as a breakup and she wasn’t happy. Especially since I was drunk.
I woke up the next morning and felt like such an idiot. I was thinking of what to do and how I could fix what I said the night before but I didn’t think there was much hope. I didn’t want to draw her into another long conversation, only tell her why I thought I said what I did the night before. It felt like she was pretty over it and that what I said that night was the nail in the coffin. Ultimately though, it was my fault for letting the drink do the thinking and talking for me. Stupid.
Besides hiking, the only thing I did that whole day was sit there and kick myself for being so dumb, misreading everything and throwing away an amazing trip with her. When I got home from hiking I was just sitting in my room watching TV. What happened next really threw me for a loop.
I’m not sure why but out of the whole house it seems like my room always got the warmest. It was a pretty hot day and starting to warm up in Phoenix so at night time I was starting to keep my door cracked or all the way open to get better circulation.
She wasn’t home that night and I think she was out with her friends but either way I wasn’t planning on bothering her. I was only planning on sitting in my room and watching TV. I heard her get home pretty late, walk by my door to go to her room and I didn’t think anything of it. Then just a few moments after she was in her room I heard her door open back up. The last thing that I thought was that she was going to come to me but she did. I looked over and she was just standing there in my doorway looking at me.
At first, I thought she needed something from my room or to ask me where something was, but she wasn’t saying anything, just standing there. I was confused because I only had my TV on so it was pretty dark. Then I noticed that she was crying and I immediately felt like shit. She was hurting from it ending again. It was weird because I felt sorry that she was sad but at the same time I was overjoyed to know that she still wanted to be together after I fucked it up.
She told me that she was missing me the whole day and sad that it was over. I just held her tight, let her cry and told her how stupid I was for misreading everything and saying what I said the night before. I honestly wanted to do anything to keep her forever.
After a while she stood in my room and we watched TV. She said she didn’t want to talk that night and I didn’t care, I just wanted her next to me. I even found myself looking at her sitting there facing the tv and looking so beautiful and cute. She told me that she was out with her friends that night and she seemed pretty buzzed but I didn’t mind. I always thought she was cute when she was buzzed.
I thought we were going to be okay after seeing that from her but I was getting ahead of myself. The next few days it started to feel standoffish again. It felt like she was conflicted about something inside but wasn’t saying it. I thought that giving her space was the best answer so that’s what I did and looked for things to do but I wish I would’ve talked to her about it. I should’ve done like mom said and fought harder for her but it kind of felt like quicksand and that I’d sink more and more the harder I tried.
One afternoon I got back from another hike, she came into my room and was basically saying that she felt like it was over. At that point I was just trying to figure out why. I didn’t want to make the same mistake I did the first time and walk away from it, I wanted to try and know. I think that not knowing the first time made it more tough. Some good did come out of that though because it was the unknown that really caused me to think hard about the drinking and why I drank the way I did. I knew that I wasn’t the only person that this happened to so I searched and found that it’s called Heavy Episodic Drinking. Then I started reading about all the negative health effects it has on someone and how dangerous it is. I think that figuring that out gave me a moment of clarity.
She was basically saying it was because of hesitation that she was having with bringing me back home and meeting her family. They are a part of a traditional catholic religion and she was worried what they were going to think of me since I wasn’t in that religion. On top of that, she was going to be completely consumed with schooling that she had coming up in a few months. I was pretty confused because we’d known about these things the whole time but I think it was starting to get more real for her since it was getting closer and closer.
I think the honeymoon phase played a role too because it wasn’t like she was just bringing me over to her parents place to meet her family, have coffee, say hi and do the whole intro thing, she was possibly been bringing me back to live there with her and maybe even with her family for a little since she was staying with them during school. The first few months the idea sounded great and I never had a second thought about the idea. “I’d move anywhere to be with her.” is what I’d tell myself.
Another thing is that she was thinking we wouldn’t make it the next few months until she had to go and it was better to end it now. I tried telling her it was just her stressing about it and not to worry. I told her we’d be able to get through anything together but it wasn’t something we were doing together, it was mostly just me. At first it was both of us but that wore off and that was tough to accept.
After talking for a while she went back into her room and it was starting to set in for me again. I felt like I should just start going back to the healing and space but I couldn’t help it, I ended up going to her door to get her out to talk about it more. I was thinking of anything to say to convince her to change her mind and kept telling her to fight any hesitations or worries that she had about us and about our future. I told her that I wanted to take care of her heart forever and that I didn’t trust anyone else to do that for her. I told her that I wanted that to be my job for the rest of my life but it wasn’t enough.
She did a lot of crying on me and I’m not sure but I liked that. I guess it was because she told me she never cried and it felt good to know she trusted me enough to let go that much in front of me.
I was only thinking of holding her for as long as I could but after about another hour of hugs and tears, that was it, it was over. I even heard her crying in her room but I wasn’t going to bother her the rest of the night. It seemed like the first time it ended all over again but I knew it was different this time.
I always noticed her door would always make this loud cracking sound every time she opened it and for the first few months that was my favorite sound in the world because it usually meant that she had just got off work, showered and was about to come into my room and to jump in bed with me for the night. After it ended though, that noise was like a dagger. Every time I heard it, I would hope that for some random reason she’d come knocking on my door but she never did and as much as I’d love to go out and chase her I wouldn’t.
The next few days I felt her working on getting over us. One thing I learned about her was how disciplined she was with her job. She’d do things like show up 30 minutes early to work in case she hit traffic or force herself to stay up all night to change her sleep schedule for graveyard shifts and loved that about her. Scary thing was that I felt her using that same discipline to force herself to get over us. I know that she still wanted to come into my room to cuddle, talk or just be with me but she wouldn’t let herself. Her discipline was actually giving me the strength to leave her alone when all I wanted to do was go to her door to talk to her, see what she was doing, ask her what she’d been up to, try to say something to make her laugh or smile or just see her in front of me but I didn’t.
I went back to Googling everything again to try and figure out what happened because I was still confused. I don’t know why I just had the hardest time accepting what she said about her not being sure we were going to be together after she left and how she didn’t want to drag it out. I guess I was confused because of how amazing it was the first few months but I could’ve been in denial.
The Uber driver that I left my phone with in San Diego ended up mailing it back to me about a week later. When I got my phone back the first thing I did was went back to look at our trip pictures then I started scrolling back on our old texts. The change felt very sudden so I was trying to pin down when it happened and it looked like it was when she came into my room that night to talk to me about the drinking.
I’ve taken breaks from drinking before. I usually thought I was doing it for myself but I think that I was mostly doing it to prove to others that I didn’t need it. Even when I took breaks though, I would find myself looking forward to the next time that I was going to let myself blackout but I think that is gone now. A part of me thinks it’s because it’d put me in a bad place. Normally when I got drunk it would only put me in a good mood and make everything more fun but then I’ve never been this heartbroken before.
The shitty part is when I start to feel pity from family and friends because I can tell they’re feeling sorry for me. Sometimes I could tell they’re trying to do things to cheer me up but all it does is trigger memories of her and I’m reminded of her but almost everything already reminds me of her. I’d always see her favorite places to eat, an artist she liked, a place we went to together, the beach, the ocean, a show we watched together, someone that looked like her, hear about her home state, see a hospital scene or even drive down a road we were on together.
It’s so constant sometimes that I was trying to figure out why everything reminded me of her. I think it was because time with her was so amazing that every moment became engraved in my memory. Every hug, every kiss, every time she smiled at me, every time I made her laugh, every time she told me something about herself, every time I took her to work, every time she fell asleep on me, every time she walked through my door, every cuddle and every time she did something that made me fall harder for her. Then there’s the music.
It seems like every song and lyric I hear now is precisely talking about what I’m going through. Funny thing is I used to never pay attention to lyrics. I don’t even know the lyrics to some songs that I’ve heard hundreds of times, I’d mostly just listen to the sound of a song. I’ve pretty much had to take a break from certain genres entirely. Being reminded that I had and lost her can be so frustrating that sometimes I find myself screaming “Fuck!” and “Damn!” out loud and punching something. I guess that’s the frustration part of loss.
I know I have to let go though, I just don’t want to. It’s so damn hard sometimes. I think it’s because it felt so right and perfect at first. Like it was meant to be. Like we were always meant to be together and always meant to find each other. She felt like she was always going to be the one for me. My perfect fit. My little Lego piece. But it’s over and I know that now.
I might not have her anymore but I know I learned a lot from the whole experience. Things like, don’t get so wasted when you drink, it’s not cool anymore, it’s not a good look. Or slow down and don’t take it so seriously so early, even if you think it’s love at first sight. Or if you see or hear something that worries you or bothers you, talk about it. Don’t let it fester inside, communicate it. Or don’t sit around and do nothing all day. Keep growing and keep hustling and don’t just do it for others, do it for yourself.
That’s what lifes all about, growing and learning lessons. Learning them the easy way and learning them the hard way. Either way, you’re learning and you’ll be better because of it. Better because I’m not drinking like I was before. Better because I’m not sitting around like I was. Better now because I’m focusing on others more than myself. She got me to do things for myself and things for others that I wasn’t doing before her. She helped me realize so much about myself and how I could be better for myself and for everyone around me. I’ll always be grateful to her for that.
