I am strong, I am worthy, I am enough.
I say out loud as lay in bed defeated from another day of motherhood.
It's only 7 pm and I still have three more hours till they are all in bed. I pick my self up off the bed again cause the baby is crying. I try settling him but nothing helps. My three year old is sticking her tongue out again an flipping me off.
I hold back my laugh while I tell her to stop that it's not nice. I pick up all the toys an what nots laying around the house from adventures of play.
Dinner should be done soon. I yell to my older boys. They come out of their room from rotting in front of the TV since they've got home from school today. My oldest asks , what we are having for dinner? I say meatloaf. He groans and says I hate meat loaf. He eats it anyway.
I clean up the mess from dinner all alone. In my thoughts, and think to myself about what could have been. And then get the kids ready for bed.
Shower, brush teeth , comb hair, ready to be tucked in, hugs and kisses please my 3 year old says. Goodnight mommy's from all the kids.
Most would say I'm blessed and I do agree I sure am,
but why does it feel like my self identity is gone, I long for the days I will get that back.
But for now this is our life on repeat.
6 AM AGAIN ! I SNOOZE my alarm for the 4th time. Boys wake up. Your going to miss the bus, it's the same routine every morning. I try hard to not wake the baby as we get up and get ready. I Just need the stillness of him sleeping to feel a bit free again even if it's for a little moment.
I always think of great things I want to do or accomplish in the mornings and then my day takes a different expected turn as it always does when my two little ones wake up. I'm back to being mom again. No more breaks ,until bed. It's going to be a long day.
I wash the dishes and dream of far away places that I want to visit. And old friends that I miss and day dreaming of my days before I had kids.
I think about all things I wish I could do and then go back to doing the things that I have to do. It feels like a weight on my shoulders cleaning mess after mess. I stress.
Feeling like no one understands me but I'm doing my best.
