My hands wouldn't wash clean with anything.
I tried to forget a thousand times, but I couldn't. I left the house aimlessly. People looked at me in a way as if they all knew,
and I tried to act normal like everyone else.
He had told me that if I found out, everything would fall apart! I don't know, maybe it was my fault! Yes, it was my fault, if I had let it go,
maybe... maybe... my hands wouldn't be bloody now.
I felt worse and worse. I kept thinking he was among the people, watching me. It was impossible. I sent him to hell myself,
I finished him off! It must be a delusion! Yes, it must be a delusion!
It was his fault anyway! He told me to kill him! He shouldn't have done that... he shouldn't have hurt him!
He had no problem, no fault, he was just born into this world as the child of two mentally ill people who attempt suicide every few months.
A family where the father suffered from delusions and thought he was a special human with special abilities, and with
his crazy antics, he gradually gave me strange thoughts too. We would just read books and talk for five or six hours a day...
Until one day, I told him I was pregnant. It was as if he had been told that in two seconds the ground would open up right where he was standing and he would fall into hell.
He was stunned, angry, saying I was inconsiderate. I thought to myself that things would calm down a bit when the baby came, but it got worse.
Consultations with professors and his followers increased. He would recite strange prayers at night... he slept very little... he didn't care about his appearance...
Until one day he told me I had to abort it. I couldn't believe it. When I opened my eyes, I saw that a week had passed and we had separated. He took the baby from me
after it was born. When I saw him after five months, he told me it was God's will! That sacrifice is always necessary to reach higher stages.
At first, I didn't understand what he was saying. When he said, crying, that he had strangled the baby, and begged me, crying, to kill him,
my eyes went black. I tried hard to stand on my feet. I willingly plunged the knife next to the fruit bowl all the way into his heart.
His eyes stared at me in surprise... a thin stream of black blood dripped from his mouth... I hugged him... blood dripped from my hands.
It was as if they knew, as if everyone knew. I walked faster and faster...
My hands wouldn't wash clean with anything...
