WRITTEN BY: JODY DRAVEN
DATE STARTED: JUNE 3, 2024
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It was at the beginning of a new week, one I dreaded having to live through, sometime in the winter of 2019/2020. My mom had recently died (maybe a month had gone by if that) and I was completely alone. Sure, I had 2 nephews, a half-sister and a half “brother” who were around, however I was even more lonely in their company than I ever was when it was just me. I had no family left now. I was made to believe from a very young age that family is the only thing anyone has and can always count on. What a bold faced lie that was. I’m sure those who spoke those words probably believed in the same lie while also manipulating and tainting the meaning of “family.”
As I was living in that place within my current existence all I could think about was dying-to be free from what seemed like someone’s personal dungeon of torment they sickly got off to. I was feeling envious of how lucky my mother had been to become free from the constant agonizing suffrage any one's life eventually becomes. I had no one in my corner that cared anything about me unless they could get something from me or could manipulate me into doing their bidding. I had the entire expense of my mother’s final arrangements thrown onto me without notice and of course, without a single “family member” having the fucking decency to even fake it and offer to help me pay for OUR mother’s cremation. My distant aunt (my mom’s oldest sister) at least paid about $300 of the $2,000. It wasn’t much monetarily, but I didn’t feel as alone and burdened by so much being thrown at me without a second to process it all. It was not the amount of money, but the simplicity of letting another know they aren’t alone in this dark time. That kind of gives you an idea of where I was emotionally, mentally and whatever else at this point in my life. There are SO many more happenings, but I won't bore you with the depressing details. All you need to know is I was the most depressed, suicidal and at rock bottom (and I’ve been through some shit) so, it says a lot about how far gone I was allowing myself to drift.
I was at my desk at work one morning, feeling particularly down when I decided… I had enough. The weight of all I was carrying was too cumbersome for me to keep lugging around alone.
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All I needed was a single person to simply see how much agony I was in and ask “hey, are you ok?” Those 4 words would have made a difference.
Anyway, I was at my desk silently sobbing since no one was ever around at this time of day, when I talked to God about how deeply I was wounded, like he didn’t know or something. In my opinion, he was at least partially responsible for it and could have eased up, could have helped me out, but I see now why that didn’t happen. It really felt like he abandoned me at the time. However, just as a beautiful priceless and unique diamond is created from grains of sand under immense pressure, I too was beginning to evolve and grow quite the same way without my recognizing it. In that moment, living through unbearable pain, I was clouded by my own self hatred and misery that I couldn’t see there was a plan ahead.
Back to it… at my desk I made a bargain with God. I had already made up my mind to end my life that Friday or Saturday UNLESS he showed up for once in a huge way and gave me my motherfucken soulmate! LIKE I HAD BEEN BEGGING HIM FOR MY WHOLE LIFE! I knew once I had her, everything would be alright. If I had her, I would feel what genuine happiness could feel like. It’s a distant, nearly imaginary emotion I had not felt in…I don’t know how long. I KNEW, as if it were carved in my soul, she would absolutely breathe life into my lifeless human shell.
I told God, I didn’t ask or plead to him as usual, I told him “Ok dude, I am at the end of my rope. It’s said you don’t give anyone more than they can handle and I know for a fact that’s absolute bullshit. If you haven’t made my soulmate known to me by this Friday (it was Tuesday) then I am leaving this fucked up, depressing ass world. If my purpose is SO great to the fuckin human race, that’s what will keep me alive to fulfill it.”
I never meant anything more than that statement. I had prior failed suicide attempts, but this time would be successful. And by god he knew I wasn’t bluffing because not even 5 minutes after saying that, I fucking swear, I found her.
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The woman I already knew and loved so deeply yet, didn’t know at all. It was a strange connection to someone I technically didn’t know and have never met. I DID know her though, we had an ethereal soul binding since the moment either one of us entered this world. I had always belonged to her and she had always been mine.
I was scrolling through a penpal website to write back and forth to incarcerated people. I figured if anyone would know how fucked up life can be, it would be someone who was failed by the system sworn to protect them. I was sifting through the men ONLY because the last thing I wanted was to fall madly in love with a woman I could never have. I should have been very specific in my demands to God because I shit you not, the first person to pop up on the MEN'S section was none other than Natasha Wallen Cornett A.K.A. the one I had been searching for. I thought it was a fluke or a computer glitch so I exited out of the browser and tried again. Same thing. I didn’t take a good look at the picture of this woman the first time, but something like that happening twice is not a mistake and I felt it in my soul and my heart was screaming to look at her. If time could come to a screeching halt in this reality, it most certainly would have then. It was like the cover or mask had been ripped off to where I could finally see everything for what it was. One look into her eyes even though a picture, I was sure this was her. And indeed it was. God had actually delivered this time and it will never be forgotten. I was heard, I was not ignored and when I needed it the most. For that, I am eternally grateful. After the world seemed to stop as I gazed into the familiar eyes of this woman who would later become my reason for being, I had to snap myself out of the blurry daze I had been enveloped in. I was stunned stupid by how gorgeous this woman was, how remarkable I found her from just a simple bio on her page. We had SO much in common off the rip. I had to get to her. I needed to start a letter to her immediately. I didn’t care that I was at
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work, I didn’t care about anything at all besides connecting with her. I HAD to make sure she knew of my existence and surely she would feel the spark too, right? And so I began to write. Once my letter was complete I was so nervous about sending it. What if it was one sided and it was just me who felt this? What if she was married or dedicated to someone else? What if she said I was too young for her? A plethora of “what if’s” were running rampant in my mind and I got spooked. It took me about a week or two to finally get my head out of my ass and send the damn thing, but I finally did.
What she said to have felt when receiving my letter was this:
“When I touched your envelope and read your name, I knew.”
Not knowing anything about each other, but knowing the most intimate of details simultaneously, we were under one another’s allure.
We wrote back and forth as much as possible for about a year. I got to know her, the real her and she me. Neither of us said to the other how insanely in love we already were with each other in fear of rejection or because it was “too soon” or whatever else. I confidently assumed she was out of my league and she did too (me being out of hers.) How silly of the both of us! Who knows how long we would have played that little song and dance had I not spoken up and broken the ice by telling her I thought she was super hot!
We had not talked about becoming romantic because of the state I was in. I was hardly a functioning person, how could I possibly be enough to give the kind of love I knew she deserved? But I knew nobody else in this reality could, it was me, just not right now.
She was patient and completely allowed me to set the pace. For everything. She always said she was ALL in from the very beginning,
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it was I who was needing to take it slow. She never complained or rushed me, not once. She was there to help me build myself up again from nothing, as my best friend which made me fall even deeper in love with her. We were always friends first and that is what solidified our never faltering foundation.
It was early in the evening when I answered the phone for what would be our first ever phone conversation. To hear her voice for the first time…I was wrapped around her finger, wound so tightly it was nearly severed. I don’t even recall what I said because I was so nervous. I had a billion and one butterflies fluttering all throughout me. She had the tone of an angelic symphony playing on a beautiful fall evening. She held an intelligence which was nearly incomprehensible that someone of that level of genius she achieved was hidden from the world. She was everything I have ever wanted, needed and asked for. Literally.
When I was just starting my teens, I saw a manifestation spell from the movie ‘Practical Magic’ where the character Sandra Bullock portrayed was a kid and she wrote every detail of her perfect partner, gave it her energy then burned it to send it to the universe for it to return the page in the form of a person she would be perfectly matched to. Watching that as a kid I thought “that’s what I need to do!” So I wrote every minute detail of what I imagined my perfect match would be. I mean everything. From ethnicity to eye color and design, hair color to attitude style. The Universe held my small but fierce heart and soul into account and answered my prayer, wish, plead, desire, whatever you wanna call it, they gave it to me in the form of my Natasha. She checked every single item off that list.
Back to the call…
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Our very first phone call was perfect for how shy and nervous I was. I feel like I barely spoke from how excited/nervous that restricted me. I was shaky, my stomach was flipping, doing extravagant cartwheels and my heart…dear Morrigan I was kinda scared I may have a real heart attack for real! Natasha definitely led and carried the entire conversation which she did an amazing job doing. The first words I heard her utter took me aback by the tone and pitch of her voice. She sounded so gorgeous! Her pitch was higher than I would have ever guessed (think a young female around 15 or 16) Very surprising yet incredibly pleasing. Her tone…I could literally hear her smiling. I could sense the subtle hints of immense excitement as though she were a child anticipating Christmas morning and it finally arrived. I knew how much this phone call meant to ME and given the evidence, I knew it absolutely meant the world to HER too.
We only spoke for 30 minutes unfortunately because I didn’t know the women who were kept there were allowed to call back to back! So, when she asked “when would you like me to call you back?” I was a dumb dumb and told her to call back on Friday and it was only Wednesday! How could I possibly go 2 full days now that I had her symphonic voice permanently ingrained in my soul??! I should have known/figured it out when she sounded as if I just took a shit in her ice cream bowl. I guess it was somewhat positive that it happened that way. It definitely created a potent build up of sexual tension and gave us both something to look forward to which we both kinda needed at that time. However, had I known, I would have been selfish and would have taken as much of her time as possible!
When the call ended, I sat in my hotel room BEAMING with bliss and love for her. I talked myself out of being allowed to call what I was feeling ‘love’ since it was “too soon.” Too soon for who exactly? Because it wasn’t too soon for me or her, so, what the fuck was I doing it for? Makes no sense now, but then it did. I was so very cautious, taking as much time as I felt I needed to be able to truly feel ready for our relationship to progress. I was SO broken as a human being and could not deal with any more catastrophic failures in my life, especially not this. What I felt for Natasha was not the everyday run of the mill infatuation of a new relationship. It was so much deeper than that. I knew the entire time I was being foolishly careful (not to get hurt) that she was without any doubt, my soul mate. So why did I make getting close to me that difficult for her? I knew she was mine forever. I guess looking back, I had to in order to prove (to myself and to her) I still cared about myself and still wanted to live.
Ever since that day, our connection and unbearable anticipation of being able to talk on the phone skyrocketed. Seconds felt like hours and hours like weeks without her. I physically got ill when I knew our time to talk for that day was just about over. Any moment without her after pained my heart and brought great sorrow to my soul. I NEEDED her just to get through the day like she was an immediately addicting drug that tightened its grip on my being. And I fucking loved it.
From then on we were super glued to each other. We spoke for as long as we possibly could, even setting a timer for her to call back at ten till 9 P.M. just to get an extra 20 minutes.
The rest, as they say, is history. We are continuing to write our story every moment of each day we have been gifted with to have each other. Neither of us go a single day without telling the other how grateful and blessed we are to have each other. No matter how pissed off we get or how little time we have, we ALWAYS make sure to say “I love you” before ending every phone call, before going to bed and ending the day. You know why? Because not too long ago, we were at the lowest points in our lives and remember how it felt without one another’s love. It has reinvented everything as I know it and still shapes and forms me in ways I never imagined.
She is the sole reason I breathe. The very purpose I was created for was to pour my everything into “us” therefore proving to the world true love does exist. That, despite the mountain of things against us, we would never let them see us flinch. We are always told how our marriage will never last and I have one thing to respond to that…
“You’ll see one day”
