My story begins in the Philippine islands. I was a young teenage girl in college who fell in love with a player.
Yes, a player... He was varsity in our university and as is usually the case with popular guys, he was surrounded by a lot of groupies. Over the years we were together, he cheated on me numerous times; stupid me, I would always forgive him and believe all his lies.
I would always think that "well...he`s a guy, it`s normal", and kept on convincing myself that he will always come back to me anyway. Eventually, he left me for someone I could never become, a "Mestiza Model". "Mestiza" is a Filipino word used to describe girls with pale skin, a trait considered superior to the more native, darker shade of skin. But I`ll leave this aside for now, since it belongs to the next chapter of my life (Beauty).
As a result of my breakup, I was heartbroken and lonely. You know how it is when you`re young and in love; you feel like every little problem is the end of the world. But I`m not the type of woman who will beg someone to stay. I would rather be miserable in my own way, which I did. And then a darker side of me emerged. I would skip class, abuse alcohol and party at every opportunity.
"This can`t keep going on for much longer", I thought, "I don`t deserve this"...I had to make a change. In order for me to move on, I would need to get away from the person who hurt me -from the people and places that remind me of him. So I decided to go on a year-long vacation in the United States.
In the U.S.
It was June, the year was 2010 when I came to the U.S. At first, I stayed at my grandma`s house, in a small city near San Francisco. This was to last for only two months, though, until I was kicked out. My grandma`s traditional, conservative Filipino values clashed with the more liberal, westernized principles I was raised with. I suddenly found myself alone in a foreign country, with no relatives or friends and a new adventure lying ahead of me.
Stubborn by nature and determined to not give up on my plan, I made a choice: I would stay in the U.S. and work my way to my independence. I was 19, scared, with no work experience or any sort of real-life skills. A kind Filipino guy, from my short circle of acquaintances, offered me accommodation with him and his mom until I found a place of my own and in the meantime, I got a job to pay my bills. We ended up dating; a choice that would prove to be even worse than the one that brought me to the U.S. in the first place.
Not very long into the relationship, I started noticing patterns.
It began with him trying to change my wardrobe or driving me everywhere I wanted to go. But, soon after, it escalated to actual bullying. He would have me followed when I was by myself and scare me with stories about how dangerous the city was and how I needed his constant protection. For nine months I lived in fear, in a relationship which, on top of everything else, was verbally abusive. It took a while but eventually, I gathered the courage to leave and never looked back. With the help of friends, I slowly got up on my own feet and started moving forward.
When I was ready to date again, I tried online dating. My past experience had taught me I had to be more careful with my choices so this time I tried to keep a safe distance before I jumped into anything new.
Online dating
My first online experience was with an American guy. I was two years older than him, who had just started college aiming for med school. We connected almost immediately: we were both foodies and loved traveling. We would always have long, interesting conversations about our different cultures, exchanging experiences and stories. He initiated me to the American customs and introduced me to the diverse daily lives of San Francisco. We traveled cross country, just him and I. I felt safe and welcome, his parents became my new family. For two years we were both lovers and best friends.
But he was young and along with the deepening of our relationship came curiosity and his desire to experience more. All of his friends had moved out and were already experiencing the "college life" while he was still living in his hometown, committed to a relationship. So he found the excitement he was looking for online. He started going on adult dating sites, chatting random girls -something I figured out not very long after. Going through his online correspondence was as painful as it was disappointing. He was even planning to meet up with a girl from my neighborhood, explaining to her how he can`t host because he`s staying with "some girl". Well, this "some girl" told him to pack all of the things he kept at her place and leave. It was the right thing to do, for both him and I; he needed to be free, to see and explore the dating world and I wouldn`t tolerate another relationship poisoned by cheating and lies. We never spoke to each other again.
French Kiss
Yes, you read it correctly, French kiss. I met a handsome French guy online. He was 3 years older than me and worked at some the tech industry in San Francisco (of course). He was a mysterious, quiet guy, with a background so different from mine that made him look very exciting in my eyes.
He was relatively well-off, so we would party mostly every week, get drinks after work or on the weekends. I enjoyed his company, his friends and co-workers -we were having fun and I really liked him. But the excitement wasn`t meant to last: a few months after we started dating he needed to return to France to take care of his visa status. The process was going to take months and although I was prepared to wait for his return, long-distance wasn`t for us. We tried skyping and texting, but the feelings wore off quickly and we soon realized we needed to let go (which also ruined my opportunity to visit Paris...oh well). That was when a thought struck me: he had never passed the front door of my apartment! And it`s me, rather than him, to be blamed for this. I guess the difference in our life status or perhaps the lack of intimacy made me uncomfortable bringing him into the tiny apartment I was staying at. Retrospectively, it might not have been a deep and strong relationship, but it was definitely a fun one.
Greek Romance
While I was still sad about my breakup and secretly hopeful that my French guy and I may get back together when he returns, I found a chat mate online. He was a smart (and hot) physicist from Greece working towards his Ph.D. at Stanford. I remember starting the conversation by literally complaining to him about my daily life and how everything sucked. He was really nice and patient with all my complaints; I started feeling comfortable talking to him without even having met him in person.
After almost a month of chatting, we decided to finally meet, a decision I was hesitating to make because I was enjoying our chat-mate relationship and I was afraid this might ruin it. We met at a bar (the Rickhouse bar) and since the first moment, it felt like we were old friends. We had a great conversation over a glass of wine, got to know each other on a more personal level. The night went on perfectly and soon it was time to go. Time was ticking while we were waiting for the cab on Market Stree, and I guess he was thinking of that too when he asked: "Can I try something?" and kissed me so passionately that made me want to bite him...which I did! It was like we were craving each other for more and couldn`t stop. I felt like I was on a stage performance as our kisses became dances on the street, from the wall to the road, we were bursting with passion. I always get butterflies in my stomach whenever I think about that night.
A few days later, after a fashion show, I had participated in, I was supposed to join my friends at an afterparty. It was almost midnight when I suddenly felt an urge: "I want to see him" I told my friends, "I`m leaving now and I'll take a cab". They started yelling at me "Crazy...Crazy!!". "Yes, I am" I replied as I ran to catch the cab on the street. His place was about an hour away and I had to take the train there. My first time using Caltrain, I was sitting there hoping he doesn`t turn out to be a psycho, like the craigslist killer you hear about on T.V. An hour later and looking like a drag queen with all my makeup on from the show, I reached my destination with my Greek waiting for me at the station. All I could say was hi... with a bottle of red wine provided by one of the show sponsors. After that night I knew that he was mine and I was his.
Seems like a perfect love story right? Well, all perfect stories carry their baggage. And a story is not complete without including the ex-girlfriend. So he had an ex who he remained friends with. They would occasionally exchange important news about their lives or meet up for a cup of coffee. Us women have instincts; they may not always be right but we do have them. And something wasn`t feeling right about this. But of course, sometimes men are naive and they mistake reasonable worries for jealousy. After 6 months, her true colors were revealed to me. I visited Greece and met his friends and family, we were experiencing new things together, creating new memories and that made her furious.
As we got closer and our relationship grew strong, it brought out her true intentions: she started questioning him about whether he had any plans of getting back with her, even though she was in a relationship herself.
Something I had been warning him about and he had been refusing to accept. She was persistent, pressuring him for months until he blocked her on all social media. She even went as far as stalking me online. But the craziness eventually ended (thankfully). It`s been six months since her last spam message. I really hope she has moved on and she is now happy in her relationship. I`m sure she is a nice girl and was just going through the struggle of letting go.
We are now happily living together in an apartment in San Francisco. Ready to see and explore the world together. I`ve shown him the Philippines, introduced him to my family and friends. We may have different lives, different cultures, and hobbies. But our great chemistry connects us on a different level -we are like the missing halves of each other and together we`re complete.
There is passion... This spark that everyone tries to find in a relationship. I see him everyday but its like we`re always on our first date. Almost two years later and I still get butterflies in my stomach when I`m away, thinking about him.
In the game of love, everything is unpredictable. You meet different people, you interact with them; fall in love with them; hate them or dream your life with them. All of them add another piece to the beautiful collage that is your love story and, in the end, they become part of your life. And you grow with each and every one of these experiences. Every heartache makes you wiser and stronger for your next chapter in love.
True Love is really hard to find but I believe one shouldn`t settle for less. It`s our responsibility to make the effort and find that one in a million.
Even if this means to travel the whole world. This is our life we are talking about, it`s precious and only happens once. The comfort of being in a relationship long after the feelings have died or the fear of loneliness doesn`t qualify a good reason to be with someone.
Never let yourself be someone's doormat.
Never beg for someone`s love because no great love was ever asked for.
And to achieve this, a woman first needs to learn how to love herself. It is self-respect, pride and the ability to be in control of your feelings and life that will get you there.
Then the right man will walk into your life with all of his heart to offer.
It`s only once you become a strong, independent woman that you`re ready to share your life with someone else.
This is my experience of Love.
