Facing My Fears
Trigger warning; subject matter suicide
Hi My name is Katie and this is my new journal I need to
write my thoughts out because I might blow up in anger and fear, fear of showing my sad feelings.
DEC 0th 7:30am
The air is freezing and everything is freshly coated in
snow!!! The last thing I want to do is go out. let alone go skating
on top of the ice 5 days before the worst holiday, at least in my
opinion, known to man. Christmas. UGH I really dislike this
holiday soooo much !! Why does Ashley and her Boyfriend have
to make me go!! This skating party was making my anxiety go off
the hook. I could not do it.
OH MY GOSH JOURNAL 11:15am
It is almost time for the skating party...
I can NOT believe my Family and friends all love this
holiday, do not get me wrong it's nice and all sometimes but to be
honest this year I am so so tired of any holiday having to do with
being jolly and merry, this year has not been a great year and I
am done faking to be happy when I clearly and most certainly am
not. I know hissing at humans is looked down upon but this
afternoon that's what I did
Ash and Charles told me I do not scare them nor do I scare
anyone as everyone just started to bust out laughing. I guess
when I hiss I look funny or something.
This is what happened after I hissed at the crowd.
Journal oh my gosh I am so embarrassed!!
My sister came up to me and whispered
" You're BETTER THAN THIS, why do you insist on embarrassing yourself."
my sister pleaded with me.
I rolled my eyes and I told her that I just
hated Christmas. I pleaded with her to understand why. I knew
she knew why I disliked this holiday so much.
Heck, all of our family Now just tries to get through another
year without our best friend and brother. You see, I never told you
this journal but a couple years ago about 2 months ago from
today my brother Donnie passed away. He committed suicide, he
was a freshman in highschool and he got hazed and bullied way
to much. Mom and dad tried putting him in therapy and when that
did not work they tried to give him medicine. He was fine after a
few months and more stabilized....
One day I just heard the loudest scream I ever heard my
sister scream. I ran to her side to find my brother Don...Dead on
the floor. That day was the longest day in my entire life and I still
have not fully gotten over this and to write about it is all I know
how to do.
Hey journal, 12:20pm
Later that day Ash and I talked. She understood my
apprehension in going and we agreed that we both hate this
holiday because of what happened to our brother, everything
surrounding the holidays seemed bleak. But we also agreed that
staying home and crying/ feeling sorry for ourselves was a bad
idea, especially isolating ourselves and feeling alone... an all too
familiar feeling of what we have done in the past.
Hey Journal 1:00pm
I have no clue why but for my sister I just sucked it up and
went on the trip. I reluctantly joined my sister and her boyfriend's
side as we boarded the bus. My heart was pounding, being in
public proved to spike my anxiety to an all time high. All my brain
could think was people, crowded, loud, too much. I held my
breath for a minute and then let it out. I sat down and began to
take in more of my surroundings. Once I could focus on certain
things my anxiety tucked away and I began to just observe
quietly.
Dear Journal, 1:30pm
I am bored so I am going to observe this bus full of people
Ashley and Charles- Omg they look so happy like they
never get to go out like this because they both work really long
hours. I am really happy they get to spend this time together in
the journal. I am getting happier than I was earlier that I decided
to come on this trip. I have never seen ash so happy.
Our brother's death proved to take Ashley down a dark
winding pathway. Until she met Charles, he seemed to be her
healer, or he provided a way for her to help herself heal. I was
always jealous that she found someone, but knew I was too
young anyways. 16 is way too young for love in my opinion.
I look around the train, taking in my surroundings a bit
more calmly now. I imagined my brother Donnie being with me at
this very moment. I closed my eyes and allowed my imagination
to be limitless. I felt Donnie was, as weird as it sounds and knew
that I had to be on this trip, somehow I just knew Donnie would
be here if he was still alive and then with a sigh of relief I was
finally happy to be out on the holidays!
Dear Journal, 3:15pm
I am sitting here on the bench watching everyone ice
skate. I spent almost 2 hours skating with Ashley, Charles and my
other friend Crystal- it was AMAZING. I can not believe that I
almost stopped myself from this amazing experience. In the
moment that I realized missing out on this would have been
comfortable, but not the thing I really wanted, I feel deeper into a
mind of thankfulness.
Dear Journal 6:50pm
Wow what a wonderful day, I am still in a grateful
mindset...without today I may have still been stuck in a rut of
sadness and depression, but because I came together with
friends and family to just be I feel much more safe and connected
to them like I never have before. The rest of the ice skating trip
was heavenly and the after hangout was so fun. We went to a
restaurant called Wild Buffalo Bills. We watched the food we
ordered being prepared right before our eyes. A great ending to
the perfect day.
All because I took a chance, it turned out to be fun
