Ever since graduating high school, I have done nothing but work. I have done nothing but work my ass off. I have really bad a few really good jobs but I have had more bad jobs. I have kept going even though I felt like a failure. I have never really felt like I have accomplished anything. I have a car that is either a week or two behind in payments, I am about to be kicked out of where I live at currently and I don’t have a social life. I feel like there is a wall coming and I am about to hit it full force. The bad part is…I just don’t care any more. Everyone always talks about “the only way to go when you hit rock bottom is up”. Well, when do I get to get out of rock bottom? I am almost 46 years old, I have been single for ten years now, I have extremely bad credit, I have no savings, I never have extra money. Do I need to work myself to death at two jobs just to live? I’ll be honest, I am ready for the merry-go-round to stop.
I wake up every day trying to see the positives in the world. Then I realize that I am trying to make the world what it isn’t. I watch everyone else get and have all the things they want and need and wonder when my turn is coming. I don’t even remember dreams any more. I give up on daydreaming any more. I think I will just stop and let the carousel keep going. I don’t get it. I never have. I wish the magic would come back. I lost it and feel like I have been cursed. I know I have to love myself before I can expect anyone else to love me but where do I start? I feel like I have done nothing but let everyone else down and been the butt of the proverbial joke all my life. Maybe my life wasn’t supposed to be. For ten years now I have believed that it should of been me instead of Joel that died. I mean, hell, he had someone else he loved any way. That just shows me that I am never priority. My family will not contact me unless it is what they consider an emergency. Call and just chitchat? No. Call and check to see if I am ok? Very rarely. I feel like I shouldn’t exist. That’s when my depression takes over and I can’t function. That’s when I feel at my lowest and there is absolutely no one to talk to or help, because there isn’t. When I try to talk to someone, I start to feel like they don’t give a shit and like I am just blowing smoke.
I some times want to drive out to no where and just scream until I pass out or die. I some times want to get lost and never come back. I some times want to change my name and see if that helps. I try to be things I think are important and they feel like oil on my skin. I keep things in so much that I don’t know what to do with them after. It is hard to write down what I feel because of past experiences with people finding it, reading it and getting mad because they don’t understand what is wrong or why I wrote what I wrote.
I have been told that I am an asshole because when I don’t like someone I will not interact with them. I find it easier not to interact with them because I know that they don’t like me as much as I don’t like them. So why waste my breath and energy trying to accept someone I don’t like? When I was a kid and first started accepting my spirit, I used to put up a psy-shield when I felt danger coming. Literally I would say to myself “psy-shield times 3”. After a while, I realized it worked. People didn’t bother me. Then it stopped working so well when i wanted my ex to leave me alone.