12/30/19—12:47 am
Emotion: Moronic.
Why was it so easy to give in to things that we know are so wrong for us, yet so hard to do the thing we know is right? I sat there, my mind racing for the right words to come to mind—among all the words scattered around, so unorganized. I sat silently. My breath getting heavier and heavier—the room shrinking smaller and smaller around me. I close my eyes and feel dizzy. Standing on my right leg. The right side was my weaker side. I was frozen in thought. Too busy to tell my body to balance again before I lean too far. Balanced. I know I should just erase everything. Blow it all off. Make sure I have won the game of right from wrong. But I can’t. I am the moron that lets the wrong overtake all of me—the emotional thinker. The over emotional over-thinker. Why do I always let her win? She’s the one who wants to have the fun, the games, the sense of control. She has everything right where she wants it. But I don’t want that at all. I want everything to work out for the best. The thoughts that she makes are the screams I hear at night. The nightmares that wake me in a cold sweat. The butterflies that flutter for the wrong damn reason. It’s her. She’s the one I have to learn to control to let go of everything toxic. But what did I want to battle her for to truly let go of?
12/30/19—10:02 pm
Emotion: Anger.
It was the first time I let all my emotions surface all at once. Everything I was feeling—here it comes. I closed my eyes, hung my head, and sat in silence. I could feel my temples start to pulse, my hands clench into fists, my jaw close tightly. So tight I start to taste iron on my tongue. I felt my eyes start to well up with tears and my mind goes blank. My body starts to shake. Tremble. Lose all impulse control as I relax my entire body. The voice in my head is getting louder as the sounds of the real world fade away. No. No. No. Not again. Sounds of broken glass shattering all around me, lobsters screaming in a pot of boiling water, styrofoam being rubbed together until it’s nothing but a pile of white beads, someone singing completely off-key until the end of the song. I couldn’t stand it anymore. My blood started to boil, my eyes narrowed, I let my conscious mind sit back and my subconscious takes control…here it is. Here’s the moment I’ve been waiting for.
1/2/20—12:32 am
Emotion: Numb.
It’s like focusing on holding your breath underwater; concentrating so hard so as not to inhale any, you can’t feel anything else. Or stubbing your toe not knowingly when angry and not realizing until you look down and see the blood. After the burning stops, right before the healing begins on a sunburn. The way my mind raced and my thoughts collided, I did the only thing I knew how to do in a situation like this; sit down and let my fingers do the talking on the keyboard and let it flow. It helps. It always helps. The loud thumping in my head slowed and quieted. Finally. Like a deep breath of fresh air, after it rains, the feel of a freshly made bed with clean sheets, and the room suddenly getting brighter with sunlight after a hard storm. The release and feel of absolutely nothing is an addiction. It’s never enough, I’m constantly craving it. The numbness is the addiction from my own head.
1/2/20—9:13 pm
Emotion: Powerless.
I sat there staring at the wall. My heart beating so quickly, I look down to see if my chest is moving on the outside. My ears are ringing from the sound of silence and tension. Looking around, it was quiet, still and calm. But the feelings of hate, sadness, and lost cause danced around the room madly. I felt like I was being pulled by my limbs in all different directions. I wanted to break free, be honest, and say I couldn’t do this anymore. The faint smell of a candle burning from the other room was nice; like a relaxing mood scent. But the room was getting colder. It was dark outside. All I could focus on was the sound of the cars on the freeway nearby. I didn’t know what to say aloud, or if I should say anything at all. I knew I couldn’t do anything more at this point but sit silently and wait. So I did what I wanted to do for myself…
1/2/20—10:17 pm
Emotion: Euphoric.
As I walked through the park, I tilted my head up; the sun hit my face in such a way that my whole body warmed. I inhaled deeply through my nose; Pine. Cedar. Wet grass. Food carts. I stopped walking and listened; Birds singing. The wind brushing through the trees. Low mumbles of people walking by. Dogs barking. I kept walking and looked closely at my surroundings; A couple having a picnic under a tree. A toddler wobbling while trying to run. Dogs catching frisbees in midair. Wildflowers blooming everywhere.
I heard nothing of her for what seemed like an eternity, while in my own blissful outdoor therapy session. It all seemed as if nothing in the world could shatter this peaceful time. Nothing could end what seems like a fairytale moment that I was actually witnessing for myself. I continued to soak in every particle I could of this serene landscape.
1/6/20—10:20 pm
Emotion: Guarded.
I feel it coming. I resist as hard as I can. The kicking and punching of the words fighting to slip up and roll off the tip of my tongue. My heart grows lighter with every beat–knowing what I want most; but heavier with each thought that comes–knowing I can’t have it. The longing to demolish this wall…this barrier…this thick sheet of steel and be released from my own overpowering mind games is unrealistic, it seems. The sounds around me go quiet as the sounds inside me grow louder. I scream inside my head. I scream again, louder. Nothing can drown out her harmful thoughts. They desperately try to burrow deep inside my head; like a horrible trait being surgically implanted without consent. I’m not ready to demolish these walls yet. The only one who can do that is the one who silences everything without me having to try. No one can do that…not even myself.
1/8/20—11:15 am
Emotion: Trapped.
The wind was whistling hard tonight, blowing my hair in every direction it could possibly go. The cold chill sent a shiver down my spine. Howling. Whistling. Screaming in one ear and out the other. I fought hard to keep my balance as I continued walking; stumbling, weaving in and out of people walking towards me who was fighting the same outward battle I was.
But inside my head, the same violent winds swirled around and wouldn’t calm. The emotional rollercoaster I was on had lost a bolt. I don’t know if it would ever stop at this point. I was used to this madness by now. It was all I knew; why was I fighting so hard to get off this ride, if I’m the one who keeps trapping myself?
Loved ones—hands outstretched to help guide me away. But I pull back to stay. I’m trapped. And it’s only my fault.
1/10/20—11:10 pm
Emotion: Vulnerable.
As I walked aisle by aisle through the grocery store, head down, staring at the words on my list—all the words were jumbled. Like a puzzle, I couldn’t solve. I shut my eyes tightly, rubbing them softly with my knuckles. Opened them again. My blurry vision became clear after a few seconds.
I looked down at my list again; apples, kiwi, chicken…the list looked right once more. I wasn’t shutting down my thoughts—but letting them wander. This was nice. No screams. No pace I couldn’t keep up with. I let everything go for that moment as I stood in the produce aisle and closed my eyes. I opened them again after a few seconds and I could see clearly. I could think about my next item, next step, next task. I let myself completely release all my energy– and for once; it was completely out of my control. It worked.
1/13/20—12:40 am
Emotion: Fear.
It was the creaks in the dark hallway. The shadows on the walls from the dimly lit room; only bright from the moon glow through the windows. The silence; so quiet it was ear piercing. Footsteps quickly catching up to you on a dark and silent street. The heart-stopping moment when you drop your wedding ring down the drain.
It was so still, calm and peaceful all around me. But inside my body, my heart was racing so fast I couldn’t count my pulse—I was losing my breath, my hands started to get clammy. One day at a time works only for so long—but what happens when time runs out, and you’re still stuck at sea?
1/14/20—11:30 pm
Emotion: Tranquil.
I inhaled deeply through my nose as I slowly opened my eyes and looked around. Quiet. Still. Motionless. Everything around me was so calming and peaceful. Like nothing could ruin this blissful state of mind. All that was wrong in the world, in my world—it all came to a halt. Maybe because of where I was? Maybe because of who I was with? It all made sense right now. I am in my happy place, with my favorite person.
But when it’s time to part ways, what will this do to all the thoughts I’ve been so forcefully pushing down? I sat there, rubbing my fingertips on the outside of my lips. Soft, smooth, and calming. Like the atmosphere I was surrounded by, I close my eyes once more to take in, cherish, and live in this moment for as long as I possibly can. It was the best feeling I have had in a while. I can’t let anything mess this up. Tomorrow is another day, but I’ll worry about that when it comes.
