DARK SHATTERED GLASS

I’m broken

shattered like glass

either filled with a bunch of cracks that are trying to be held together by a single piece of tape

or shattered and chipped with tiny pieces falling out every second

you think of it yourself

everyone comes up to me saying how much i helped them

i’m happy i like helping people

i’m happy that they were able to overcome it with my help

But i hate it

i can’t stop feeling jealous

jealous that i can help other but never myself

jealous and angry and pissed that this happened and that i’m dying

i just hope things get better

i want them to be better

it comes to haunt me every night

and everyday i drown myself in tears in anger and in screams

i’m so tired

i’m so tired i just want to go to sleep and wake up six feet underground

where i can scream and yell and cry while everyone thinks i’m resting in peace

that i'm in a better place

but what is a better place?

is it heaven? is it the afterlife? is it the good place? 

or is it just a dark space where you know nothing

where you can’t understand what’s going on

where there is nothing

where you are nothing

just darkness that welcomes you

the shadows swallowing you and your existence whole

maybe thats why everyone wears black to funerals

to show that the darkness can be comforting

that in the shadows nothing exists 

just dark

its nothing

its unknown

it can have the happiest memories and the best life

or the worst nightmares and shattered glass

and no one will know

maybe thats why everyone wears black

not to show respect

but to hide their grief

to hide the fact that they just lost someone

the worst is when you lose yourself

you cant wear black to your own funeral

you are dead

you cant wear black without people thinking that you are grieving

yet you are

they give you condolences 

but they never ask who you just lost 

to them it feels like an overstep something out of disrespect

something that may bother you

something that you may want to forget

yet i want to forget

i want to forget that it happened

i want to forget that part of me

i want to cut it out of me and just live

so all you want is for people to reach out because that little voice is saying help me

help me grieve

help me bury me

help me forget that part of me

but i can’t

i'm weak

some may say i’m strong for surviving

but i'm not

i'm weak

and grief is hard

it’s hard to grieve when you aren’t allowed to wear black

Ii’s hard to grieve when you aren’t allowed to have a sense of close of burying it

because you cant bury yourself

it’s had when you have to keep the pain hidden and deep inside you

somewhere where it’s dark

it’s hard to keep it in the dark because slowly the shadows start to eat you away

into nothing

you become nothing

you are nothing

just a walking dead

a monster a survivor a shadow

dead

you become so used to so comforted by nothing by the dark by the shadows

you forget what light is

you forget what life feels like

and all you can see is that your life is just an endless cycle

wake up do some stuff go to bed and repeat

i hate that feeling

i hate being in the dark

i hate that it’s comforting

i hate that i feel so normal in it

i hate that i gotten used to it

i hate that people pushed me into it

i hate that i let people do it 

that i let them take advantage of me

i hate that i let them steal something that was mine

i hate it

i hate myself

i hate them

i hate them for doing the to me

i hate them for shaming me

i hate them for not listening

i hate them for looking down on me

i hate them for pitying me

i hate them for not doing anything to help

i hate them for not reaching out

i hate them for digging a hole and throwing me into it

i hate myself

no ones ever gonna understand

no ones ever gonna know

they will just shed a tear act as of they know my pain and get on with their day

no one understands

not even the darkness

but thats what i love about it

it doesn't understand

it doesn't show 

it doesn't pretend

it’s nothing

it’s a shield

it protects me from light 

it protects me from feeling something 

it protects me from shattering and breaking anymore than i already have

i’m like glass hidden inside its cardboard box

my darkness

i'm like glass shattered bruised chipped

i'm broken

i'm so broken that you cant even fix me

nothing will work anymore

only the comfort of darkness six feet underground from the sunlight

from life

away from everyone and anything

so that i can scream yell cry without bothering anyone

so that i don't pull anyone with me

i’m shattered like glass

i'm broken