I was still really dizzy and headachy after rolling over three kilometers in my JPL SpaceBall II while landing on Epsilon Eridani b.Part of my disorientation was from the bouncing and spinning to a stop near that small mound of orange dirt I had just jokingly named Eden, and part was from being hungry.I hadn’t eaten for 10.5 years on my way here from Earth.
Back there, I had allowed the Earth Scientists to talk me into being placed in a suspended state for most of the duration of the trip.An alarm was supposed to wake me 48 hours before touchdown so I could eat, drink and get my head together before landing.But the alarm failed (or perhaps I hit the snooze), and I awoke, startled, during the impact.
So I broke out a handful of granola chips and a desiccated beef stick and washed them down quickly with a powdered Jolt.Slowly the head cleared, and I was able to try to begin the exploration part of the mission.
The Mission
I was supposed to open the hatch and step out of Esby (as we nicknamed the SpaceBall II) and into direct contact with EEb’s atmosphere.Our esteemed Earth Scientists at JPL had “researched” that the planet had almost exactly the same air as on Earth.Upon stepping out, I immediately began convulsing, coughing, crying, hoping to die here, alone on this devastation.
But, instinctively, I clawed my way to my feet and stammered my way back into Esby’s hatch and slammed it so hard that the Ball rolled several more meters downhill from Eden.Fortunately, it stopped rolling before it went over the 2000 meter drop-off of the face of this mesa, that I named Sears Tower as I was rolling, on which I had landed.Boy, that would have hurt.Even though they estimated the air availability wrong, their gravity calculations were spot on.
I went to the captain’s chair, sat down, and tried the starter to head myself back home.Of course, the Scientists had programmed Esby’s (and thereby my) mission to stay on EEb for thirty days before allowing the starter to become effective.I was stuck here in this forsaken-by-God hole, alone and without air.
I thought of taking a nap.Then I realized that I wasn’t really very tired.Though only half that of Rip Van Winkle, I had slept for the last 10 and a half years.
Then I thought that I would try to spot the Hubble telescope.No, all that bouncing had addled my grey.The Hubble could see me, but I was 10.5 light years away from the Hubble.Wouldn’t be able to spot that.
What Actually Happened
As I was doing all this thinking about ways of passing my month here, I thought I heard a knock at the hatch.
“Right.”, I told myself.Oh, I can be sarcastic at times.
But the knock persisted.I thought of “The Telltale Heart”, but my conscience was mostly clear.So I peered out of the tiny spaceship window the Scientists had cleverly put at the base of the hatch.
Looking back at my discovery, I guess I should have been shocked more so than any other person in history.But all I could do at the time was to say, “Hey, hi.How are you?”
He, she or it said in English, "Hi, yourself.What are you doing here?"
"Uh...research."
"Oh, well open up.I'll tell you what you want to know."
"Oh, no!I can't.I tried that.You don't have any air."
"If you open up, I can just jump in quickly, and you can close your hatch."
"But you won't be able to breath my oxygenated air."
"Just open up.I can breath anything.I'm from New Jersey.Just kidding, I am ambiaerosoled."
"How do you know about New Jersey?"
"It’s all over the universe about how they steal elections."
"What?"
"You remember Frank Lautenberg."
"Yeah, I see your point."
"Well, let me in.We'll talk."
"How do I know you won't beat me up?"
"We don't do that here.Sin and liberalism haven't ruined us.Eva, our originally created female, didn't fall for that old apple trick when His Horribleness tested her."
Then, another moment of shock.He, she or it was beside me in my cocoon extending the hand of fellowship.The door didn't open;no bad EEb air entered;no sign of hull damage.But there it was.
It said, "I am a he, Norman.Not an it."
I shook his hand and reactively reached for the tube of sanitizer.
"You won't need that.There are no germs here.Because we have not sinned, there are many things missing here that you abhor in New Jersey."
"I'm not from New Jersey!Like what?"
"Mice.Sickness.Drunks.Blue states."
"How did you get in here?"
"Another advantage of not sinning.Well, go ahead.Ask your questions."
I was sitting in a spaceship, 10.5 light years from Earth.I was talking to a "he" who had never done anything wrong and who could permeate several inches of U. S. steel in a single bound without leaving damage.He seemed to know a lot about us on Earth, could breathe bad air, had never been sick.And he wanted to tell me about his planet and himself.No, this was not mentioned on my Mission Contingency Sheet.
"Well, er, what is your name?And how did you know mine?"
"Adama.And God told us you were coming."
"How many of you are there here?"
"Two.Just me and Eva.God made us in His image, just like on your planet."
"Okay, so you have never had children?"
"No need to.As we are not subject to death, we need no progeny to sustain our planet."
"But you are wearing clothing.I thought God only created clothing after our fall."
"Good point.I am only wearing clothing to cover up for any embarrassment you might have.I know how Earthlings are private.We don't need to be private, of course."
I had not counted on as intimate an encounter as this, so I was a bit unprepared to continue.How could I sufficiently focus my research so as to learn everything that the Scientists might want to know?
Of course, then two things struck me.I had an entire 30 days before this fool Esby could ignite and leave.And, in addition, who cared?No way were the Scientists going to talk me into coming back to EEb just because I forgot to ask a question or two.I would just selfishly ask what was of interest to me.
"So, our Adam and Eve regularly met God in the Garden.Do you?"
"Certainly.Every evening."
"What's He like?Does He have a sense of humor?"
"We laugh all the time--about you guys a lot.You know, thinking Will Farrell is funny.Harry Reid's Searchlight story.Eating liver."
"You mock us?"
"No, you mock yourselves.Trying to govern yourselves by keeping God out of it.He gave you a Constitution, and your courts make up what it says.He gave you a number of Commandments, but you don't follow them.You don't even want them seen in public.He says He would give you more, but you can't even get the first ten right."
"You are scolding me.Are you being just?"
"You asked me about God.Yes, He has a sense of humor.And don't worry about me being just, because God is."
"What is just?Men killing people over cartoons?Poverty?Skin color defining life quality?"
"Just is keeping God's rules.We did.You did not."
I paused for a while, thinking this over, and concluded Adama was right.God told us the rules, and they were very simple.Now the Garden is a war zone.We have demons and Hell.Our friends could kill us someday;our enemies--worse.
"Adama, you are right.I want to hear more.And can I meet Eva?"
Then, through the miracle of entering space capsules without effort or damage, there she was--sitting in the same captain's chair that Adama had occupied.He had moved to a sitting position on the floor.
"Norman, this is Eva.Isn't she perfect?"
She was beautiful.I mean, my wife, Susie, is gorgeous.I have repeatedly told her she was the most beautiful woman on Earth.I hope she will understand when I tell her she is not the most beautiful in the universe.
"Sinfully beautiful.", I said.
Then realizing my faux pax, I stumbled like an unscripted Obama, "I mean, uh, yeah, perfect."
"Pleased to meet you, Norman.Welcome to Epsilon.Can I answer any questions for you?"
"Well, yes.Adama said God told you I was coming.How do you know so much about us?You even know about New Jersey!"
"New Jersey is easy.We've been there."
"Been there?How...?"
"We can go anywhere we want just so we are back for our visit with God every evening."
"But it’s 10 light years away."
"That is nothing for a sinless person.We've met many of God's creations in New Jersey."
"But I thought it was just you and Adama."
"Oh, my, no.God has created many planets.Yours is the only one to have sinned."
"Why New Jersey?”
"Oh, we've been to many places throughout the universe.New Jersey is just the most corrupt.Even more so than Chicago.It’sa good reminder of what the wages of sin are.Not that we would ever sin.After what we’ve seen, why would we?We just need to get back every evening for our rendezvous with God.We would never miss that.”
“More than Chicago?”
“Remember Robert Torricelli?
“I see what you mean.”
I saw what she meant.We can’t live in peace or with justice or even enough love on Earth.Never have and never will.Sin.
I spent my full 30 days on EEb learning and observing what life would be like without sin.I loved it.I believed in it.I resolved to take this lesson—one of the great lessons ever learned by man—back to Earth.
The starter powerfully ignited the Esby engines, and I roared off back to my home.I took my last giant capsulized Nyquil designed by the Earth Scientists, and I slept deeply for another 10.5 years traveling at the speed of light.I dreamed of bringing peace and understanding and ultimate love back to my home, my Earth.
The alarm went off, and as I saw the blue-green loveliness approaching in the distance, I recalled all I had experienced on EEb.Oh, yes.With what I know now, I can be a rich man.Maybe sell what I know for a fortune.And maybe, just perhaps, I can buy myself a Senatorship from New Jersey.
