Opening
Walk on stage, pacing, look at the crowd like you got something important to say.
“Good evening! Y’all ready for the truth tonight?”
(Crowd cheers)
“Alright, then let me start with the one rule of life. When in doubt, when you confused, when folks trying your nerves… repeat after me:
Sit your ass down…”
(Crowd yells back: “AND MIND YOUR GOT DAMN BUSINESS!”)
“That’s it! That’s the key to life, that’s the key to peace, that’s the key to clear skin and good credit. Say it again!”
Sit your ass down…
(Crowd: “AND MIND YOUR GOT DAMN BUSINESS!”)
---
Workplace Clapbacks
“You ever got that one coworker always clockin’ your hours?
‘Ohhh, she came in late again.’
Ma’am, YOU been late on rent since Juneteenth.
Sit your ass down and mind your got damn business.”
“And the office fridge? Somebody loses ONE yogurt and suddenly it’s CSI: Dairy Division.
‘WHO ate my yogurt?!’
Girl, if you don’t take your 98-cent yogurt case to Judge Judy—
Sit your ass down and mind your got damn business.”
---
Church Roast
“You know church folks fake nosy. Sister Shirley be like, ‘Mmm, her dress too short for the Lord.’
Baby… YOUR wig too short for your forehead, but I didn’t say nothing!
Sit your ass down and mind your got damn business.”
“And don’t act like y’all don’t judge offerings. Somebody drop coins and y’all eyeballin’.
Brenda, you ain’t paid YOUR light bill—let me give the Lord my quarters!
Sit your ass down and mind your got damn business.”
“And half the time, the preacher cheating with the church secretary anyway, but y’all don’t wanna talk about THAT!”
---
Family Reunions
“Family reunions are the Olympics of nosiness. Auntie Carol: ‘When you gon’ get married?’
Uncle Ray: ‘When you gon’ have kids?’
Cousin Shonda: ‘You still at that job?’
Hold up—
Auntie Carol, when YOU gon’ stop dating men who gotta blow in their car just to start it?
Uncle Ray, when YOU gon’ pay back the \$40 you owe EVERYBODY here?
And Shonda, baby, raise them kids you already got before one of them rob the cookout!
Sit your ass down and mind your got damn business.”
---
Social Media Stalkers
“Y’all love Facebook gossip. ‘She dumb for staying with him.’
Meanwhile YOU stuck raising a child he won’t even claim, while refreshing his wife’s page like it’s Netflix.
Sit your ass down and mind your got damn business.”
“And Instagram? You clown her BBL? Your man double-tapped EVERY angle.
Sit your ass down and mind your got damn business.”
---
Savage Rapid-Fire Clapbacks
Now go fast, back-to-back with the crowd shouting each one:
“You mad she gained weight? Your knees been filing HR complaints since 2021.
Sit your ass down and mind your got damn business.”
“You laughing at Walmart workers? Funny, you beg them for their discount card.
Sit your ass down and mind your got damn business.”
“You clown folks living with their mama? Your mama raising YOUR baby.
Sit your ass down and mind your got damn business.”
“You worried who shouted Amen too loud? Worry about YOUR dusty spirit.
Sit your ass down and mind your got damn business.”
“And some of y’all mad at ME… but don’t even realize you’re the ones I’m talking about right now!
Sit your ass down and mind your got damn business.”
---
Closing
“See, if it don’t feed you, free you, fund you, or fix you… it ain’t your concern.
So the next time somebody drags you into gossip, just do this—cross your legs, sip your tea, lean back and say—
Sit your ass down…”
(Crowd: “AND MIND YOUR GOT DAMN BUSINESS!”)
“Sit your ass down…”
(Crowd louder: “AND MIND YOUR GOT DAMN BUSINESS!”)
“Sit your ass down…”
(Crowd screaming: “AND MIND YOUR GOT DAMN BUSINESS!”)
Drop mic, walk off while the crowd still chanting.
