Sensitive content: Butterfly deals with mental health, suicide and injury. It is written as a talk given by the protagonist who went through a trauma
“Dam he is messed up”
“I know. Think he will make it?”
“Too soon, bus was it?”
“No a truck, driver fell asleep.”
“That’s rough”
Ever had those moments in life when things feel disconnected? Almost like you are not in your body-no more not even connected to your life. Its the classic “How did my life get here?” moment. You know the one.
Well this was like that but on steroids. I couldn’t see and it took me a long time. Ok no that’s wrong. It took me several dislocated moments to realise what was going on. Heck it took me that time to even realise I was me, it was trippy. I think lying in the black with no feeling of my body amplified the feeling. I had time to consider it as a spiritual thing, you know the whole ‘Out Of Body’ experience. But I was blind, everything was black and I didn’t even have enough luck to have my life flash before my eyes. Looking back on it I think that is what convinced me I wasn’t dying. Well that and the A-hole people that talked like I wasn’t there. I remember mum crying. Still this is a positive tale, I think.
Ok so there I am floating in the ether, like I said it took a while to realize I was someone let alone that I was me. Me yeah maybe I should fill you in if you don’t know. I guess someone might have missed my rise to fame, ok almost fame but these Doc’s knew who I was so that’s something right?
I was the up and coming do it all, my body is exquisite guy. I know what you are thinking ‘Oh great one of those vain guys who is all about how he looks’ and you know what you are right. That was me, don’t like it well you might enjoy this. If you are a bit morbid.
So you name the sport I played it and I don’t just mean played it with some friends I was epic. It didn’t really matter what it was, I just had the whole co-ordination and physicality down. I remember at school, I sucked at everything but sports I didn’t even have to try. Got a scholarship for playing football. Yeah that didn’t go well. You might think that if something comes easy to someone its not fair, well let me tell you its not a free ride – Ok it is a free ride. But that is tough, when you don’t have to put in any effort to be better than everyone its really hard to put in the little effort required when its not a free ride. See what I mean? So like I said I had a free ride but got kicked out because I couldn’t make myself put in a tiny bit of effort. Hey that’s life, I guess there is some kind of cosmic balance.
So a drop out no education, no money. I started using my only skill for money. Played a few football games, minor leagues nothing fancy but it kept me fed. And here is my other problem, I am telling you being gifted is tough!
So I get bored and try fighting. Again its easy then my big break ‘social media’. Someone filmed me and posted it and it went viral. By this point I was doing every ultra race or Iron man I could find. I fought in several different martial arts and on occasion played football. People loved it. I started my own show on youtube and that was it I was a star. I got invited to talk shows and news broadcasts. They compared me to the greats of the past. Life was good. Ok now back to the void.
I kept hearing voices, at one point I thought I was crazy and they were voices in my head but quickly I realized that they were outside. Like not outside my room but outside my head.
“He is that Youtube fitness guy isn’t he”
“looks like someone picked a fight he shouldn’t have”
Crying lots of crying, that cut me up. By this point I had pieced together that I was in an accident, one voice I called her Sally said.
“That truck driver has destroyed him and for what an extra load, some more money and now this guy is ruined, if he ever wakes up.”
She seemed to switch between sadness and anger, mum was just sad and I wished I could have told her I was still here. By this point it was like being locked in a prison I just didn’t know how to get out. Honestly it scared the crap out of me. Like was I on life support? If I didn’t do something would they switch me off like a broken TV. Fuck, that makes me shiver to think of that. Anyway as you can guess they didn’t switch me off.
So this was my life from all go to nothing, plenty of time to get my thoughts in order and believe me that took a while. Mainly as to start I couldn’t tell when I was aware and when I wasn’t. So someone would be talking and I would be listening, like some kind of peeping tom. Oh yeah that’s a point. Don’t discuss personal stuff in front of someone who is unconscious, Ok?
Where was I? Oh yeah the time line thingy. So the conversation would suddenly be someone else and talking about something else so it was hard to get straight in my head. I think I was sleeping or falling out of what little consciousness I had, I don’t know, doesn’t matter anyway.
So eventually I get the hang of the people and the conversations, I had been hit by a truck or something like that and by this point I figured this is what a coma is like. But I still hadn’t worked out the elephant in the room, have you?
Well remember how I said if you hate those vain guys who are all about the six pack and looking shredded for their next Instagram post? Well I was definitely not going to be that guy and it crushed me. I heard Sally talking about my amputation sites healing well. Yeah that’s right ‘Site’s’. Like plural. Once I got passed the screaming and crying and wishing I had just died. I even wished they would turn me off. Yeah it wasn’t just the void that was dark. But anyway I got over it because, well there was nothing else to do. It became slightly funny to me as in the void I had no body so it didn’t matter. Heck I might be stuck here forever. Hmm. Forever you know when I was in the black I had time to worry about forever in the darkness alone and I had an epiphany, think that’s what you call it. So forever is pretty short when you think about it. Forever in the void would be until I died, which given the conversations could be a real short time.
But things changed. It started as a bit of light. I had been trying to create some kind of vision for a while. Again time had little meaning so don’t ask how long. But, here. Close your eyes, now imagine a bicycle, make it red. Got it? Do you see it? Like a picture? Well good for you! I don’t. I can imagine a red bike but I don’t see it, I am just aware of what it is. Could I see it before? Hmm I honestly cant remember, that’s weird.
Ok so bright blurry light, to start I thought I had imagined something. Nope I was beginning to open my eyes. I know this as everyone started shouting and rushing around. Again a whole time issue here as it felt like instantly mum was there talking to me but she hadn’t been there at the start. I don’t think. Its all pretty fuzzy. So eyes open, I am not blind. Check. That’s pretty good. Next up moving. Now this is only the mater of a few sentences but believe me it took Forever. And what’s worse it hurt like hell. To start the light was so bright I thought I was looking directly into the sun and a big part of my stupid brain was telling me to shut them again. Ha, no chance I am nothing if not stubborn. So eyes then I went for hands. You might think this was some top down thinking but no. My nose itched like hell. Sadly I think I spent two days trying to move my right arm. Yeah this is frigin hilarious. I didn’t have a right arm. I swear I could feel it, couldn’t or actually didn’t think of moving my neck to look at it. That probably would have saved some time. But I was sure it was about to collide with my face and it didn’t.
Sally bent over me “Are you in pain, is something wrong you are frowning. Can you talk? I think you should be able to?”
Ok so possibly I am not that bright, I would blame the accident but to be fair this was an issue before but hey I was pretty. Also don’t ask someone who wakes from a coma with a few less body parts if they are ok. Had I worked out talking I might have been a bit mean to poor Sally. Instead I went blank for a while then I spoke. Ok well I didn’t speak I drooled a little and said “hmmmeft” I then thought. Now who is frowning Sally?.
The next few weeks or maybe months was a blur and I made steady progress towards. Hmmm. Towards recovery is what I was going to say but I guess there is no true recovery. I have one arm and one leg. I sound like the start of a joke. One eye is pretty much useless. I can talk so there is that. My spine got all messed up so the one arm one leg thing is tough to control. But talking. And boy did I talk.
I developed a routine, it mostly included eat, sleep and talk the ears off whoever was in the room. I was terrible I didn’t even give them the opportunity to speak. It was just verbal diarrhea all over the place.
I will let you in on a secret, I was terrified. Like completely quivering fool terrified. I had some stupid idea that I had to be strong. Strong for mum and the doctors. I cried a lot and was such an idiot I thought no one knew. Ha of course they were monitoring me. A truck had tried to use me as a parking spot. So this was my moment. Not the accident, not the coma and not the realization that the old me died when the truck hit. My moment was now, or then I guess as now I am talking to you. I wasn’t ok. Like monumentally not ok.
You know that thing where your at a bar and someone asks “So what do you do?” Its totally screwed up I think. Like what you do defines you. But I suppose Who are you is a really hard question. And this is the one I was being asked. I thought I was this sports freak fitness guy. Now I wasn’t so I thought I was nothing. And yes I said that the person I was died with the truck. But the person I was and the person I am are not the same thing. I was broken, I had everything taken from me. But I was alive, I didn’t always think that was a good thing. So it all came to a head when I overheard Sally who by the way was called Mary but I still called her Sally. I thought it was cute, she thought I had brain damage.
So I am lying there thinking of the next thing to say when someone walks in, its strange my visitors seemed to decrease over time. Anyway I hear Sally saying “he can go home soon, he will need help twenty four hour care.” That was like another truck. I was broken not who I had been and I couldn’t even look after myself. I guess I never thought about it, or probably wouldn’t let myself. But here it was. And I had to decide who I was.
I wasn’t easy and the thing that changed it all was Sally again, not talking to me but talking near me. I swear I wasn’t trying to listen to everyone’s conversations.
“The guy in two-b is in a bad way, paralyzed from the waist down. Keeps saying he wants to die. I hate it. It kills me.”
And there it was, some how I had been Ok and I was shit scared but I knew I was going to do something. And that is what I did. I got Sally to move me to two-b. And we started chatting. It was great he couldn’t stand up and run away!
I found my calling, no more vain selfies. Now I work at the hospital and I help people who are going through what I went through.
People think I am special, but I am not. I am just stubborn. I know its ok to be scared, its ok to cry and its ok to not have any idea who you are. But you can figure it out. If a high school drop out like me figured it out so can you. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. Well if you are fortunate enough to have two feet.
You are not alone and everyone needs help at some point. Just ask.
