Dear Dad,
This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. It's overflowing with words I should have said a long time ago. I need you to know how deeply sorry I am for the distance between us, a distance I know I helped create.
My childhood wasn't easy, and I know that put a strain on things. I wasn't the son who could join you in those "boy" things, the things I know fathers dream of sharing with their sons. That hurt me, but I know it hurt you too. Then, those camping trips... I carried a secret so heavy, so shameful, that it twisted me up inside. I was abused in Boy Scouts, and I was afraid to tell you, afraid of what it might do to our already fragile bond. To this day, I carry that fear.
And then, the addiction. It took hold of me, Dad, and I let it push you even further away. I know you were disgusted, disappointed. You had every right to be. But beneath all of that, there was still a son who desperately wanted your love, your approval.
It tears me apart to see how close you are with your stepchildren, while I feel like a stranger. It tears me apart that I only come to you when I need something, like I'm just another burden. I know I haven't made it easy. I know I haven't been the son you deserved.
But Dad, please believe me when I say this: I have always loved you. Even when I was lost, even when I was making the worst choices, that love was there. It's buried under layers of regret and shame, but it's there.
I don't know if this letter can fix anything. I don't know if you can ever forgive me. But I needed you to know, to truly feel, how sorry I am. Sorry for the son I wasn't, for the son I became, and for all the years we've lost.
With a heart full of regret,
Your son.