“You dozy wench. Will you stop messin’ around on that damn horse and go fetch the Briar Armourer.”
“But my love, I would have a kiss first,” said Briar Damsel.
“A kiss is the last thing I need right now. You know how your lips inflame my passions. Any form of arousal would not be good for me in my present predicament.”
“Then why do you raise your handsome face towards me, and pull me into the deep blue pools of your eyes?”
“I have no choice. Briar Squire has tricked me into this magic suit. He’ll be back soon, so make haste and fetch the Briar Armourer.”
With a flick of her head, the Briar Damsel galloped down the hill on her horse leaving the Knight with a sight of her flaming red hair. Because of the Briar Squire’s trickery, Briar Knight could not follow her progress. He could not see her demonstration of horsewomanship as she sped towards the village. How she stood up on the saddle, and then, with a swift turn sat down facing towards the horse’s tail. Another twist and she was looking the right way again. Then sliding down the flank until her head was only inches from the ground, she plucked an orchid.
Briar Knight groaned in desperation when he heard the distant tapping of the horse’s hooves getting louder as Briar Damsel returned up the slope.
“I bring a flower for my love, to help him remember me until my return.”
“Woman, you drive me to desperation. Do you not know the gravity of the situation? Briar Squire will kill me when he returns, and then there will be nothing to stop him from having his wicked way with you.”
“My experience says that a well-placed knee is enough to prevent any man from having his wicked way with me. Fear not my love, I shall return soon.”
Briar Damsel thrust the stem of the orchid into Briar Knight’s collar, and, once more, galloped away down the hill. Briar Knight waited in fearful anticipation of her return, once again, but this time she had left for good. He stared up into the empty blue sky, cursing himself for being so foolish. How could he have let the Squire exploit his weakness for armour?
He should have had known that it was too good to be true. No one would leave a beauty like that unattended on a hillside. Especially not a brand new, top of the range model like the Dragonslayer V, complete with spinning nipple disks. The disks had no practical purpose, but they certainly looked good rotating at full speed as you charged into the battle.
Briar Knight should have smelt the rat and walked away. But, oh no, he had to try it on. God, it had felt so good, as each piece clicked into place. The leg sections clung to his thighs and calves. The crotch piece left no room for maneuver, creating risks of arousal when Briar Damsel was making her advances. The main torso section was a masterpiece of the Armourer’s art, snug around his chest, nipped in at the waist, and flaring out over the hips. And, finally, the whole ensemble completed with the arm sections with their beautifully wrought elbow wings.
The sword perfectly complemented the armour. A Battlewinner Deluxe, so light in the hand, but strong and sharp enough to behead a man in a single swift move. Briar Knight had witnessed such a stunner just once before, worn by the Briar King the previous spring, on his way to the war.
With the sword buckled around his waist, Briar Knight had stood with his arms spread wide, staring up into the sky, and marveling at the excitement he was experiencing. And that was when the damned Squire’s magic kicked in. Every joint locked and the Knight was unable to move. At once he realized that he had been tricked, and he was aware of the deadly fate that awaited him on the Squire’s return. The two of them had been rivaling over the Briar Damsel’s affection for years. Briar Knight had always been fair and conducted himself honorably, but no subterfuge or devious ploy was beyond Briar Squire.
Now he was trapped, and, unless the Damsel returned soon, he was doomed to a gruesome death. The little chuckle from behind would have had made him jump if it was not for the armour.
“Well now, is this the mighty Briar Knight I see before me? All helpless and alone?”
Briar Squire walked round to face Briar Knight.
“And a pretty flower on his neck as well. I think I know who put that there, and I think I know on which neck will she be putting her next flower. Are you prepared to die Briar Knight?”
He leaned in close and Briar Knight felt and tasted his foul breath.
“Briar Damsel would faint even before you got within ten feet of her. I’ve known dead horses which smelt better than you.”
“I’ll give you that last pathetic insult. It’ll do you no good because now I’m going to kill you. The only problem is that I can’t decide how I’m going to do it.”
“You can do anything you like,” said Briar Knight. “I only ask one thing of you. Please don’t roll me down the hill.”
“Roll you down the hill? I was thinking of something a bit more ruthless than that. Such as removing your head with that Battlewinner Deluxe, or maybe just a limb or two, and then I can watch you bleed to death.”
“Yes, you can do that, or gouge my eyes out, or cut off my ears. You could heat an iron rod until it turns white-hot, and then thrust it wherever you please. But please, please don’t roll me down the hill,” pleaded Briar Knight.
Briar Squire was puzzled. How come Briar Knight was not afraid of any of the gruesome mutilations but seemed so terrified of being rolled down the hill? He looked down the slope. It was very steep and was a long way to the bottom. There were many vicious rocks sticking up. There was no way anyone could survive rolling that far, especially not in a suit of armour. He would be beaten to a pulp by the time he reached the bottom. It all seemed suddenly very attractive to Briar Squire, his sworn enemy smashed to bits and dying the way he least wanted to.
“You know, I think rolling down the hill would be a very good way to get rid of you.”
“No, I beg you,” said Briar Knight. “What about dragging me behind a horse, or spit roasting me over slow-burning embers?”
“No, I’ve made up my mind. It’s the hill.”
Briar Squire moved round above Briar Knight.
“A jar full of leeches down the back of my neck. Ram large splinters under my fingernails. Anything, but please not the hill.”
“Too late, I’ve made up my mind. Goodbye Briar Knight.”
Briar Squire gave Briar Knight an almighty shove and sent him toppling down the hill. He soon picked up speed and hit the first boulder with such force that one of the arm sections of the armour came flying off. Each collision removed another piece of the armour and sent Briar Knight in a slightly different direction, but nothing stopped his rapid downward progress. Briar Squire started to walk slowly down the slope, never taking his eyes off his victim, and rubbing his hands in glee every time he collided with a rock. One particularly satisfying moment saw a boulder act as a launch pad, and for a few moments, Briar Knight was actually flying. With delicious irony he finally came to a halt right at the feet of the returning Briar Damsel and Briar Armourer.
“You’ll need to go and fetch a shovel and bucket,” chuckled Briar Squire to himself, as he continued his slow descent. “That’s the only way you’ll be able to take your darling, Briar Knight, home today.”
His joy was short-lived, when, unbelievably, Briar Knight slowly climbed to his feet, and dusted himself down. Briar Damsel leaped from her horse and threw her arms around him.
“Oh, my love. You are not hurt,” she exclaimed, smothering him in kisses, which he was more than happy to accept now that the restriction of the armour had been removed.
“Why are you not dead?” asked Briar Squire, when he finally caught up. “No man could have survived that fall.”
“Did you not know I was the Kingdom Rolling Down a Hill champion for five straight years,” replied Briar Knight. “That was no more than a practice run for me.”
Briar Squire was so furious at being outsmarted, it looked like he was about to explode.
“Anyway, that’s enough exercise for one day,” said Briar Knight, putting his arms around Briar Damsel and Briar Armourer. “Come my friends, let us return to the tavern for a tankard of foaming ale. But not you Briar Squire. I think you had better clear up the pieces of the armour you’ve left all over the hillside. I don’t think Briar Armourer is very pleased with the way you’ve abused one of his finest pieces of work.”
One look at Briar Armourer’s face confirmed Briar Knight’s assessment, and a very disgruntled Briar Squire trudged back up the hill, muttering and cursing under his breath.