Another one left this evening.
I haven’t seen anyone from the world outside for a month now. “It’ll keep us safe” they said. “The best way to be safe is to stay indoors.” I had no problem with that.
We’ve all been indoors, but we never have the chance to see each other – to reduce any risks. I don’t blame them; I’d be scared if I was in their shoes. Working on the front lines and exposing my life for some people who wouldn’t look at me twice when I fall sick.
If there’s a cough- you’re reported. If you have a cold- you’re gone. If you can’t smell or taste- you’re out. All symptoms of any regular fever, but for the fear of death- we have to sacrifice one sheep for the whole flock to survive.
Marley left two days ago, it’s only an amount of time before I leave too. She wanted to leave. She was done. Depressive episodes, fears of being socially anxious when we’re finally let out of our homely cages, shortages of certain commodities- she was done. I couldn’t blame her. She’s a typical extrovert. She always needs to be around a huge crowd. All she had to do was sneeze and she was gone.
I wish I knew what happened once she left the house, or anyone for that matter. The cases kept on increasing by the minute, so did the deaths. I know she wanted to go outside, but I can’t help but think that her depression finally got the best of her and she wanted to die. She’s my best friend and I should know her better, but she’s also the most unpredictable person I know.
“In light of modern events, Covid-19 has gotten the best of us, with a mortality rate of 10% for every passing day. We encourage you all to stay home until further notice only coming out when necessary and with a police permit.”
Easter passed. So did my birthday, and Marley’s. Summer came and Marley still didn’t return to the complex. The lockdown was lifted for a week, just to monitor the situation. My neighbors refused to talk to each other- scared, most probably. I still had to work from home. A meeting today, a call tomorrow. Everyone had nose-masks on. Those without were those who chose to look at people from their windows. The streets were eerie, almost haunted. Some houses had white flowers hanging on their doors- to inform the public that they had lost someone to the disease. Others had red flowers to how that they had been infected- almost the same as drawing a huge X on their door.
I expected a little leniency before summer ended- I thought wrong. We went back into a lockdown when August ended- and there was still no sign of Marley. My parents called to check in once in a while and I did the same. We were both worried but still hopeful.
“Do you think this might be like the Spanish Flu or worse?”
“I don’t know Marl; it might be the same.” She turned to look at me frowned.
“Don’t you miss the outside world? The fun, the noise, the different faces every day?” she twirled and landed on the floor. I laughed and she got up and smiled.
“I was never a fan of the world; human beings are very weird and scary- and very noisy too. I’m actually okay with this.”
“Well, I’m not.” She jumped on the bed and lay next to me. “I want to take a walk under the sun, I want to go back to work and stuff Hana’s shoes behind the water dispenser when she’s not watching, I want to get stuck in traffic every Friday night, I want to get drunk and have you drag my behind back home. I want to have crush on a different man every day. I do not want to be stuck indoors working through a laptop screen. I’m tired of seeing people do stupid stuff to post on Instagram because they are bored or want people to see how depressed, sad and lonely they are.”
“We’ll go back soon.”
“I know that, but how soon is soon?”
September ended. I heard on the news that some people have finally recovered from their intensive care. A large part of me hoped she was a part of them, though a little part said otherwise. I knew that most infected people had at most, a month before anything happened to them. It’s been six months now and I still refuse to think otherwise. There would be a mass burial for all those who died. Whether I would go or not- I wasn’t sure. Things were still as scary as ever, but not as bad as it was before.
I couldn’t sleep. I started having episodes. Regular insomnia. I blame myself. I was always thinking- always wondering. I was always idle. I lost my drive and became lazier than ever. The saddest part was that I could do nothing about it. To blame a virus was out of question. Our government had done their best to keep us safe physically. I guess no one prepared us for the mental trauma.
There were days when I would sit down and wonder if being alive was worth it. I tried applying for new jobs- I was never given one. All I could do was sit down and watch people have ‘fun’ online – something I shouldn’t have done since it made me feel worse than I already did. It all boiled down to me, it was my fault I had no friends at this point.
There was a night vigil for all the departed while they were cremated. Not a single person present was in black clothing- maybe it was because they were all security personnel on duty and a few undertakers. I could see a few faces through the flames – at specific angles I swore I could see her face but I brushed it off by saying it was my mind playing tricks on me. Even if she died, I didn’t expect anyone to notify me. She wasn’t the daughter of anyone famous or important in society.
We were in December now, and we still had no idea what was happening. I lost my job and my identity. I became a shell of who I once was and I know I wasn’t the only one who was having a hard time. The number of white and red flowers had increased in the neighborhood with their petals covering the roads making it seem as if blood had been spilled on a snowy field.
Knock-knock.
“Mr. Christian Padre, this is national security. We need you to open your door and come out willingly in the next minute or we’d be compelled to take you forcefully.”
I opened the door and smiled at them.
They took longer than expected.
