Think about the place that you first saw me?:
I laughingly quote a Taylor Swift song as we’re driving. He doesn’t think it’s funny because the truth of that is extremely sad. I wish I could tell you the exact date, but it would be a lie because the truth is that not only was I consumed by the drugs, I was consumed by the idea that someone could actually care about me. I do not think that he lied in the beginning I think we both just had two different ideas of what the future would look like. Does that mean that either of us are in the wrong? It does, we were both wrong, about so many things. But both of us were way to stubborn to let the other believe that there was any fault on our part. It all feels like a blur now and I can look back a few specific memories and smile, or laugh, or get turned on. I can look back on countless memories that take my breath away because I was so devastatingly sad I thought the world would end. “Is this love?” I ask the person in the mirror who at this point in time I truly do not recognize and have come to hate with a passion that burns stronger than the one I have when I see him smile. I don’t know if this love, because I honestly do not know what love is. I come from a broken home of lies and betrayal. He showed up at my door on a random Thursday in May, the Thursday before the weekend I planned on ending my life.
The Forge of the Kingdom:
It’s an odd hour in the morning and I have consumed enough alcohol to black out an elephant but countered it with just enough drugs to keep me conscious enough to send him my address. He arrives I open the door, I don’t know what is said, I guide him up to my room, I’m sure there is some sort of small talk I do not remember. Now that I know him I kind of look back at this and think he must have been so awkward with me and I smile. I truly do not remember the next part but from what he has filled me in on it was drugs, a few seconds of sex, then calm… He stayed? the random hook up from an app in the mid-morning decided to stay and lay in bed with me? He was different, but I had a plan and I knew what had to happen. He has to leave for work and gets dressed, I walk him downstairs and tell him my first lie, “Yeah, I just live here with my roommates.” Truth is I live with my mother because I am so consumed by depression and addiction from the fallout of my last relationship that I have managed to ruin my entire life. He leaves I head upstairs I look in the mirror and smile” What a weird dude.” I say before heading back to my bed and the comfort of my spirits. A notification, he forgot the key to the car. I go down and give him the key. He hugs me and we laugh about it. “I’ll message you later” He says as he walks back to the black minivan he is driving. His name is Daniel…
The Rise of the Kingdom:
“Hey! You know you forgot your hat here?” I send him a message not expecting him to answer. I go to sleep. I wake up in a haze of smoke both from my biggest regret and my favorite watermelon-cherry vape. I head downstairs and make some toast the only thing I can keep down with a hangover like the one I have. I hear my mom coming down and I dip and dash around the kitchen to avoid her as I was supposed to be to work 3 hours ago. “Fuck work, I’m ending this nonsense anyway.” Back in my room with only a smudged memory of the man who was in my bed just a few hours prior. I check my phone and to my surprise this strange but somehow familiar man has messaged me and asked to see me again. “I have plans with my brother tonight, so I can’t” I lie but I figured he just wanted his hat which I could leave outside for him to pick up. “what about tomorrow?” Who the hell is this guy? What kind of game is this? “I’ll let you know.” I break my rule and question myself, I invite him over on Saturday night. I figure I should get laid before I take the only thing I have left, my life. He arrives, different hat, same smile, that smile haunts my dreams. I am much more clear headed this time yet he still takes me by surprise. We talk, we laugh, we have sex, we sleep. I’m stumped did he just save my life?
The Cracks in the Kingdom:
He’s a paradox, he’s confusing and kind, he’s reckless but warm. I am stuck in a whirlwind that is him, we talk daily, we make plans, he makes me feel… alive. I remember the day it was June 17th and I am in the shower and he is on my bed, I think something that makes me cry. Did I die that night, could this be a sick form of heaven or could he have been the only thing that was missing in my life. Both are far too terrifying to think about so I purge it from my mind and continue to fall into his crystal blue eyes that hold me stronger than anything I have yet to experience. I lost my job, I get dark, he stays. It frustrates me, I want him to leave I act out and I push him as hard as I can but he just stays… I hate the way he says my name, I hate how he falls asleep so fast, I hate that he is giving me hope in such a hopeless time. I want him to leave so badly but he stays… Oh Jimmy, how you changed my life and you have no idea who I am. “Check this profile out” I say as I show him the app that we met on with another man on the screen. Jimmy, a fit, tattooed hunk of a man that I have been messaging with all night and planning to meet up with him. “Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?” My whole world is changed. We have no self-control our whole life is drugs, alcohol, and sex. Is there passion still? Some but its all getting so cloudy. I start working, he loses his job, I can’t lose him! I ask him to move in, he knows it’s my mother’s house and he reluctantly says yes. I am working again, but my insecurities show themselves and they are vicious and all-consuming. He shows his true colors, and they are far from the bright blues and pinks he shown on me in the beginning. They are heavy grays and maroons that muddy our waters and poison us before we had a chance to find out there was no antidote.
The Siege of the Kingdom:
It’s all blurry and tear soaked sheets, broken promises, lies, and fire whipped tongues. “It we get out of here we will be fine!’ He screams and I know it isn’t true but I agree because I cannot lose the person that I have fallen in love with. Yes, I am in love with him, in the throws of passion I have said it to him but not until now have I said it to myself. I tell him, he says it back, It’s lie but I fall into like a fawn into a trap. We fight, we make up, we fight, we make up, we fight, we lie, we bury problems. We fight, we fight, we fight, we fight, we move…. It’s all rushed my family is chaotic, there is name calling, there are lies, there are things that I am only trying to protect you from. I leave and my mother says “If you choose that trash over your family, you can never come back.” I walk away and I have made the right choice he loves me and I love him and he is telling me the tru(…….. I think I made a huge mistake and I should just go back…)th. I am scared, I am financially unstable, I have a severe addiction issue, I am drowning in the navy tide. WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT! WE FIGHT!
There is no end in sight I have given him my all and he has chosen to take it. He wields the power over me and he uses it as if it is unlimited and with no remorse to how it drains me. I am unkind, I say things I do not mean. His words cut like a knife, and I have never felt a blade this sharp that leaves venom as it strikes and paralyzes me. The heavy blue is here, and I am afraid I will never see the sun again. Was this a trick of his trade, what have I done, I feel for the first time I need to get out.
The Fall of the Kingdom: We are all but surrounded by darkness. I am madly in love with him, I know this love because if it wasn’t I would never do the things I have done. I left my family, I left my past, I left my pride, all I have left is Daniel and that is enough for me. I could spend hours just laying in your arms. The colors from before have darkened they are thick and black coagulated like blood and heavier than the largest sun. I made him a promise and I am a man of my word. {Daniel I will give you the life you deserve.} He does deserve a great life because he tries to play the villain but in reality he so kind, sweet, prideful, and mean. He knows my buttons and he pushes them all, he knows my triggers and he holds them to my head, this isn’t love this is manipulation in the cruelest way. I know his weakness and I use it to my advantage; I know his struggles, I attack when he’s defenseless. This is not love this is WAR and we both came armed to the teeth. We have so many weapons at our disposal and we use them, he disappears, I accuse him of lies, I cry in his face, He ignores my calls, I tell him I love him, he tells me the same. I say I believe him, I don’t in my head he’s a liar and a snake. The next 3 months are a roller coaster! We don’t talk, sex is out question, he leaves the room as I enter, He turns off his emotions, I turn mine to the max. We can see that we are broken and yet too stubborn to even try a fix. I am completely broken I do not want to feel this hurt anymore I know that he is cheating and I have all of the internet convincing me as if they see it in front of them. I hate him, I lash out, he comes back stronger, I have to commend him on his attacks they wreck me in one blow every time. We fight, we don’t talk, he threatens to leave, I cry, I beg him to stay! We fight, we don’t talk, he threatens to leave, I cry, I beg him to stay! We fight, we don’t talk, he threatens to leave, I cry, I beg him to stay! We fight, we don’t talk, he threatens to leave, I cry, I beg him to stay! I apologize the fire of the day has been put out. I am exhausted, he has it all, I beg and cry only to end up with the footnotes of his life. It’s very funny that I remember less about now than the beginning before the light left his eyes. We have talked in circles and lied and cried and for the first time in a very long time I make the decision to die. “Can I use your car?” Of course even though what I want to say is hell no, get a job, support me, be a partner it has been 4 months…
The Kingdom is Crumbling:
“Where are you going?” He says words but all are hear is that he is lying. He leaves drives the opposite direction of where he said he was going, I furiously track his location and run through the house screaming. “HE’S CHEATING!!!” after this I see red and to tell you the truth I only remember flashes of the next 3 days. I take the bottle of vodka, I text and call him no response, his location is not showing, I know he is lying, he doesn’t deserve me, I have given him everything, everything except…. My life. I take all the pills, I sit on the bed, without a second thought I take them handfuls at a time and follow them with vodka until I am crying so hysterically I can no longer breathe. I wish I could fill you in on this part of the story but I am gone, I am missing 2 full days from my memory the only thing I remember is an echo of his voice which I will never know if it is true or a fabrication of my insecurities…. “Finally”
The King and his Crimes:
“It didn’t take this time, but there is always next time” He can be cold when he’s angry. I am numb to it now. I pretend not to notice he doesn’t make eye contact with me anymore. He hates me and now I am his burden. I want him to leave, and he stays… Only this time he not staying for me he is staying because there is no where else to go and I am only slightly above living in the streets. I believe that he loved me and I believe that he did not intend this to being the tragedy it became. The poison from the beginning it still flows through us and we try to purge it but it consumes like the darkness that swallows all the light that remains. My name is Brandon, and I am the a part of this Kingdom, I watched it bloom from something so beautiful and get twisted into such a smoldering, vengeful spirit that will not survive under the heavy clouds we both breathe from our mouths. I speak for my crimes that I corrupted a man that had no ill intentions and cursed him for the crimes of lover’s past. I speak for my crimes of forcing my insecurities force my actions to hurt him in ways I never could mean. I speak for my crimes of taking a heart that wasn’t ready to love and giving it to a man who was not equipped to perform the miracle it needed to work. I am planting a bud for this kingdom to be regrown but the ashes that remain with not let it grow unless we both speak for our crimes and love freely like we did. That beautiful, silly man who made me believe that love is real thing. That smile… that smile will always comfort me in my dreams, that smile that I haven’t seen since the trees were still green.
You’re the love of my life.
This Kingdom is my heart, and you are the King.
