Have you ever woke up thinking, God why me, I can not sustain this pain anymore. Believe me, I have been there before on numerous occasions. Years of disappointment distorted my soul, making me feel all alone. The hurts that had overcome my life, made me unsure of myself. Until recently, his wondrous glow overflowed my soul, giving me an inner sense of peace.
When I was little and attended church, I wanted to hear about God. I thought how could someone love me this much. Hearing stories of his everlasting care, healing and protection of others, made me feel like everything would be okay. So, I got saved when I was 5 years old. Little did I realize, that things are not always easy. When the Bible says that you will have trials and tribulations in your life, it is right. God puts us through these difficult times, to test our faith in him. John 16:33 reads "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
My home life was not good, which started my unbearable depression. My parents fought all the time and my dad was abusive to my mom, which at times got very ugly. My mom finally left my dad, when I was 14. She got full custody of me and did her best to keep me away from him. It caused me to have bitterness towards her. This is not fair, I screamed.
Tears were overflowing in my soul, when my mom put me on a bus headed to the unknown. I was being sent away to boarding school. She thought it was best for me. I am just a child, how am I going to endure this journey on my own. That is where I was wrong. We are never alone when we have Jesus Christ in our heart. Isaiah 41:10 reads "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
I had some of my best years in boarding school, but most of the time I really missed my dad. I was daddy's girl and did not get to tell him goodbye. My mom took me away from him. Once again, I started wondering about my faith in God. Why is this happening to me? I trusted that you would watch over me. I don't understand! That was the devil working overtime on me.
After I was at boarding school for a few years, I was sexually assaulted by another student in front of others. The excruciating pain and humiliation, caused me to feel an unrelenting sense of pain. I went to my dorm room and attempted to take my life. When the dean called my mom to tell her, she didn't want to believe it. She just did that for attention my mom said. I thought really, why doesn't she believe me. It made me doubt myself.
Ever since my traumatic experience at boarding school, my depression has tried to control my life. It has also caused anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. I have been in and out of mental hospitals several times throughout the years and have very low self esteem of myself. During this time, I turned away from God. I starting looking for love from anyone that would pay attention to me. I started hanging out with the wrong people and making bad decisions. My life started falling apart, because this is not what God had planned for me. Many of us are hurting so bad that we don't even realize what we are doing to ourselves.
I was 19 when I met my first daughter's father. I was happy, so I thought. Until he left when I was 7 months pregnant. Once again my depression unraveled, causing me to barely be able to take care of myself, let alone a child. Then when my daughter was about 3 months old, I was being foolish and got pregnant with her sister by a different man. I knew that I wouldn't be able to take care of her and wanted her to have the best things in life. So, I put her up for adoption and found a loving, christian family.
I was 24, when I met my husband and got married at the age of 27. My daughter was 3 and boy was I a mess. My depression was so bad that I could barely get out of bed to take care of her. My mom threatened to call CPS on me, because she saw how bad I was struggling. That is when I decided to let my daughter go live with my sister and her husband at the time. I wanted to do right by her and give her a good life, but it was one of the hardest things that I ever had to do. I yelled out, I don't understand God, why did you take both my children away from me. I did not know because of the pain that I was going through, that he would restore my relationships with them in the near future.
My father was very sick with Myotonic Dystrophy, a form of Muscular Dystrophy, and on March 21, 2002, he passed away and went to be with the Lord. I felt so broken and again felt anger towards God. Then when things couldn't get any worse, the unimaginable happened. It was July 1, 2002, I got a call from my sister, telling me that I needed to come over. I asked her, what is wrong? She wouldn't tell me over the phone. When I got there, she sat me down. I don't know how to tell you this she said, but mom is dead. My mom and her husband Frank,were on there way home from a trip to Florida, when her vehicle went off a cliff in Alabama, killing her instantly with a broken neck. I lost it again, fell to the floor, with bittersweet tears pouring out of me. Saying, why God, why do you continue hurting me. I am only 27 and you just took both of my parents away from me. You also took my children away from me. What did I do to deserve this? I am not going to lie, but I turned away from God for awhile, during this time of grief. The devil had his hold on me. In the bible, 1 Peter 5:8-9 reads "Be sober, be vigilant, because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world."
In 2005, I was diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Even though they caught it early and I am fine now, things have not been the same ever since. I have developed even more health problems, causing strain on my marriage. My husband did not know how to cope with this. We did not communicate very well and fought constantly. Things got very ugly at times, but I don't want to get into the gory details. I was angry, selfish and took it out on others. This is not the person God wanted me to be. I did not know this person. I needed to change. Ephesians 4:32 reads, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
When I left my husband a third time, a coworker that I was working with in Illinois, told me about Celebrate Recovery. It is a Christian 12-step program that helps people get through difficult times from hurts, habits and hangups. I attended my first group, I would say about 5
years ago and was welcomed with open arms. The people there are my forever family and have been there for me through everything.
A few years ago, I had a near death experience and saw God. I was very sick, delusional and didn't know what was going on. I had sepsis and had no idea. I was driving around trying to get to my doctor, and I lost my way. Somehow, I ended up in Fort Wayne, two hours away from home. I stopped at a McDonald's to rest and God called out to me. He said, you need to go to the nearest hospital. I said to him, I don't like hospitals. I am glad that I listened to him though, because when I got there, the doctor said I was in really bad shape and about ready to end up in intensive care. All of a sudden, I felt severe chest and arm pain. I felt myself slipping away and that is when I had the remarkable experience. God's luminous glow radiated right through me and I saw him stretching his arms out to me at Heavens Gates. He said Jennifer, it is not your time. I have very good things in store for your future. Right then, I realized God loves me more than anything. My relationship with him grew stronger with him after this, until the devil got a hold of me again and my depression became surreal. I still struggle with it on and off until this day. He knew that I was getting closer to God and he used my vulnerability of my past to try to destroy me.
My husband and I tried making it work for 22 years, but recently we both realized that we are not good for one another and got a divorce on November 1, 2024. It was so hard, but I know that God was there with me every step of the way. One of my other favorite bible verses is Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." We all go through trials and tribulations to be able to share and encourage others through what God has done in our lives to help us through these times and the healing that he will provide.
Later that night, I cried out to God with all my might. I don't want to hurt anymore, I want peace and healing! What happened next, was nothing short of miraculous. My surroundings gleamed with celestial radiance, as God embraced me in his arms with angelic wings surrounding mme. Everywhere I go, I want to touch others and pray for them. Let them know how God brought me out of my turmoil and stress. Due to this divine intervention, God inspired me to write a song called Love Beyond All Measures. I want people to know that God is real and he will carry you through your pain.
I now know what my calling is. I want to start my own ministry. I am already blessing others through my encouraging words on social media and in person. I want to share my love of God to the whole world and tell them about the kingdom above. The devil has been trying, every day, to trick me into thinking God is not real and that he is just in my head, since I have found out my destiny. My promise to God is that I will never let the devil interfere again. I will continue to say, The Lord rebukes you Satan, all evil spirits be gone from here in the name of Jesus. If you say this, the Devil has to flee! Matthew 4:10 reads " Then Jesus said to him, "Be gone Satan! For it is written, "You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve." I am a child of God and I will love him for all of eternity.
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