ALIVE
“It is beautiful isn’t it” Noa’s voice was quiet surprisingly bright and warm still his hands are cold like a winter’s eve. His words made me curious so I looked ahead , yes it was charming the rising sun from the top most building of the city how wouldn’t that be gorgeous. He was staring deep like it was his last time so I stared at him , because what can be more attractive than a boy who is curious about little things. When he asked me yesterday to meet up today at 6:00 , I was furious sleep is my best friend still I went. I still remember Noa from first grade with the annoying bangs which covered almost half of his brown eyes and his deep dimples, I remember Noah from 9th grade who had shining silver braces with white clips hanging his curly hair down to his eyes still with the deep dimples. Now I am looking at graduated Noa , no braces no bangs no curls still those deep dimple says “yeah I am that Noa “ .
“I think we should have a coffee” his question rouse me from pondering, yes we should and we walk down. It was hard to climb up the stairs but climbing down was easy and fun. we looked around all the cafes and ended up at our favourite “ faith café” that cafe was not crowded nor empty but it was peaceful.
“Today’s coffee is on me by an expensive one” he said it was little weird of him but I need it to be a fighter so I said
“yours is on me” that seriously made him smile. I remember secretly watching Noa's smile when I was little. They said I was in love but I wasn’t I guess but maybe I was , I don’t know. It’s the fact of Home I found in him. Me and Noa we became close when I was at 9th grade almost before the ending. When he lost every inch of his heart when he was left alone at a fancy house named Orphan, it was an accident that gave him this title. he still weeps to God why he wasn’t there. But I….decided to be his home. Noa……my vacation of 2016 was Noa it was sympathy, maybe empathy but I checked on him and I also liked it having someone around like him. When the whole word scared me an orphan made me feel safe, but no I will never own it up at him because my female egos are quite deep. Sometimes we all die before the death lord visit us that is the most graving moment I guess. This young man and me never had or have anything in common but somehow I felt his pain. In 10 grade we promised to each other we will never keep any secret between us the next sad thing is I was foolish enough to trust him on that. He never kept the promise .
“ what's your next plan” again he rouse me from pondering.
“I have 100 plans but I don’t know which is right” I answered him, I guess it's an more elegant way to say I don’t know. and that was a bitter formal of me I could see the distance that’s building in between us . “Thank you Anna for the moment of glories” he more likely whispered. All I could do was smile the distance it hunted, hurt but I needed it. I owe this pain. We walk down the allies “the ally” ,“we” all around me felt like a dream now. The moments we lost and moments we are losing all at a view hurts. The fact of drowning deeper than we thought ,we ever expected, was bit a seriously killing us.
The teenage, suppressing frustration, future expectation, faces of bad happening when all the “next” hurt me it never hurt this big fellow that’s the reason why I admired him. He never thinks about tomorrow but just be himself for today. But he had reasons for that the secrets he kept are the powerful reasons.
He promised me if the world was ending mine will be the last face he will see. Now that his world is ending I guess he is keeping his word. He only know that I know he is dying but, he don’t know that I am dying too deeply mentally dying hard. it’s only been one week since I found out Noah is at the critical stage and all he will have his death. The shine in my eyes and words already faded when I found it. I know I should have been more close to him for the last days but the feeling of betrayal stupid thoughts appearing in my not matured mind the promises the forever’s the moments the US, stabbed me through my soul. He was leaving and I’ll be alone at the shadows of memories. A gentle hug in front of the hospital the last hug we spoke a lot in it, the words we can’t spoke words we kept within us that’s what that hurt most. walking down the ally all I could speak to God was “I wished when death finds me I want it to find me alive” now what will happen to me.
-poesis