I remember being young, well some may say I’m still young. I just remember being at an age in which I had no worries just looking forward to becoming an adult.
I thought being an adult would solve all my teenage issues or prepubescent issues. Yet somehow it did not pan out that way. Yes, I don’t miss being a child. I always craved adulthood but did not imagine what that would mean.
I sometimes sit in nostalgia thinking about my childhood, the good parts at least. Being free and running around in a playground with other little kids, the ones that were kind at least. Yes, the best part about being a child is the freedom you get to make mistakes and have fun not having to figure out what you will eat, what you will wear, or how you will pay bills, when to go to sleep, when to wake up.
I thought adulthood would be amazing. Finally deciding for me. I didn’t see past that what it would involve. How I would change and how I would become a different version of my childhood self. I just saw how adults didn’t answer to anyone and had no one telling them what to do. I saw how they were not being forced into a classroom with other little monsters who would innocently pick on me because I wasn’t like them, or being forced to attend events, having everything planned for me including how I would wear my hair.
Never did I expect adulthood to be like being a child just with certain perks which I guess might be freedom to some. I don’t truly think adults really have freedom, they just have more responsibilities. More worldly responsibilities.
The true freedom is only found when you let go of childish ways and stop assimilating into society and choose to be different in all your ways choose a wholesome way of life, the one that leads to life. I’m still trying to grasp that concept myself. Not a concept more like reality. It is a reality that we fall pray to what adulthood is and what it should look like. I learned the hard way that just because I’m considered an adult doesn’t mean I have things figured out.
I think I didn’t realize how I wouldn’t have it all figured out no time soon, maybe never.
I only have one thing figured out by God. Knowing and following him. This has led me to such a reality in which I’ve come to know that this life is just slavery no matter what you add to it, no matter what you indulge in it will never fill you just distract you from the fact that we don’t know anything and we even less so can do anything for ourselves.
As a child I didn’t realize how important it was that I was prepared for adulthood. When you’re prepared for adulthood you don’t have to grow up too fast and you can still be a child at heart without having to prove you are capable of doing what is “required of you” . I use that loosely because why are things required of you? Of us? Why is it that when we become adults we have to act a certain way? I know that emotional maturity is required and certain aspects of adulthood are essential. But why disconnect from our kind nature and our worry free mindsets?
I know that I’ve been through so much in my life and that has all led me here. The reality is that I wouldn’t have made it past all of it if it wasn’t for the mercy and love of my creator of God. It has been a long road that I now find myself in without even realizing that I am an adult.
I woke up one day and just realized that the same freedom and joy I had as a child was no longer there. We live in a world that wants to root out of us one by one the warmth and light we have in our hearts. I know everything says to grow up once you reach a certain age. Growing older I was given more and more responsibilities: “ clean this” “do this” “pack for this” “wake up for this” “work for this” “take care of this.” But I don’t feel I had a moment to grow out of being a child. Maybe I was always an adult and just lived bi-curiously through other children.
I now understand that children can be cruel and made me hate my childhood. Made me want to grow up before I could walk. I didn’t know how to take 2 steps but I began to run. I fell flat on my face. I tell you that much.
Never did I imagine what my parents were going through or any other adults in this world that seemed to look older than what they were.
The fantasy that we have as children of the grand life we will have as adults is just that, a mere fantasy.
How can you ever put into words that the reality is freedom is given to you, true freedom when you are a child and walk in obedience. When you are a child you are innocent and pure. You are excited to see the world, to know the world and to meet new people. Yet coming of age you become a shell of what you were.
Not everyone of course some people become a protective layer that conforms to the world and allows the world to tell them how to be, how to dress, how to talk about what to want. When that happens you lose a piece of yourself. You lose who you were as a child, the innocence of youth and become rebellious. The rebellion which leads to an identity crisis that is only covered up by a deceptive facade to protect yourself from being alienated from the world.
I have come to the conclusion that being an adult sucks and I didn't see this coming. I didn't see myself growing up before my own eyes. Growing up too quickly for the rest of me to catch up. I grew up in such a manner which I believed was for my benefit. But little did I know it was harming me more than helping. Yet when meeting Jesus I came to my senses. I realized that being a child was truly beautiful and I have that opportunity to live like a child once again. Without allowing the weight of the world to fall on my shoulder. It may be difficult to carry such a weight yet not impossible because I am not carrying it alone.
Waking up lost with nowhere to turn yet you showed up at my door with a light like no other. Dressed in white with powers beyond imaginable you have mended what once was broken, that's what peace feels and that's what being a child is like. All the pain the world has caused me no longer holds me, no longer do I need to be an adult like all the others with emptiness in their hearts looking for a fill yet nothing can fill them because when they find themselves in a personal crisis their whole world fall apart and they don't know how to rebuild it. They fall prey to alcohol, drugs, money and sex. If that's what adulthood is, I want to re-check. I fell into my God my savior and my truth the Lord Almighty. The name above all names Jesus Christ that has led me to such peace, such emotional freedom to a reality that I can once again live and not like I was living but a true life, a life of love, peace and happiness. Becoming an adult doesn't mean that we let go of our inner child or the beauty of it. Becoming an adult only means we have more responsibility yet we can juggle it with a kind heart and a loving nature.
So fast I grew up just as fast I remembered I can still be a child if I only believe. I can be a healthy adult and grow up at my own pace day by day.
Hope as an adult you can find your inner child as well and let go of all the burdens of the world and allow your heart to shape you and not others. Your compassion, love and grace to be how you adorn yourself.