Dear reader you probably thinking this are one of those books about how one grew up, or ways to become rich kind of a thing. Well! It’s not, and I promise to keep it PG 13.
I’ve always wanted to write a book but never knew where to begin with that and strange enough I never even read almost never okay truth is I only remember reading “Nothing but the truth”, yes I bet you like that one too right?! It’s an old time favourite.
I remember when I was in Grade 10 I wrote a poem titled a critical life;
“We plan to live,
We die to dream,
We suffer for our lives to embrace our careers,
It’s funny they say it’s a life of skills though we hustle like snails,
We dream and do less of drugs,
They say it’s for our stability but it’s our ability,
We conquer and constantly unappreciated,
We’re like morons and mockers,
We vote for the president but he doesn’t fight poverty,
Though it carries on and on,
We give him power to rule what’s in it for us?
We pledge to do right though failure crowns us,
The plan is to never give up,
A critical life!”
You know in life you go0 through a lot of fazes whereby you believe that you are meant to be something until you try it out and actually find out it’s not the right direction for you. This doesn’t happen to all of us, some spot their
Future right away and then there’s those ones like me, ‘Yours truly’! We get to our destinations after a while of trying out everything. I once upon a time thought that I was a poet, and that really didn’t work out well, it didn’t end there I even thought at some point I sang like one of the members of destiny’s child, I know what you are thinking and it’s definitely not the Queen B. I probably tried pitching that high and it ended in disaster.
I tried college well I did finish that out, but don’t ask I’m still searching for some comfort after that experience, I then was motivated to go to the university but, I assure you this some things work for us and some, you know they just don’t
I have now picked out a new venture of writing and I wonder if I will finish this one, I pray that God gives me wisdom and strength to finish things that I start. One of the things that I hate is those words from someone I know that say “Lord help me to accept the things I cannot change” they just sound like an easy way out, if the Lord is going to help me out of a deep situation then I’m going to give it my all.
This is what the problem is with people like me, we pray and hope for things to be handed to us in a silver plate, I always complain about people that receive things swiftly without having to work for them and when it comes to me I have to sweat, I’ve never received things in a silver plate. Receiving things I’ve worked hard for tastes like chocolate in the noon.
I hope by writing this it end up in someone’s hands that feels just like I do or have tried all means just like have, I want to let you know that you’re not alone.
If there’s anything life has taught me, an easy path has a quick ending. And the honest truth will always haunt you that life is too short, it was just yesterday when I passed matric and every day is just another day of trying to pick up what I left off yesterday. There’s nothing wrong with being different than others.
Well you’re probably wondering what I’m doing now for a living. I am employed but not permanent, I am definitely not what I imagined I would be. None the less I have motivated a lot of youth, I mean young people anyway it depends if the person is willing to listen. One of the strangest things I’ve come across to is thinking that your life is a dump until you meet someone that tells you about their life and all of a sudden the problems you thought you had was like facing a bully in kindergarten, you end up comforting a stranger even though you felt like giving up just a minute ago. Am I the only one who feels like dying every time when I have failed at something or when something really doesn’t go my way? This life is really not easy, so much pain.
I have failed a lot, the worst part of this all was failing at something that I truly love and thought I’m really good at, that one just collapsed my entire world and I guess it was a quick reminder that things don’t always go away. The best thing about having a horror a life is have someone to confine in, they don’t always come in numbers but sure thing they always want the best for you.
That to can’t be easy as they too have people close to them who will always wonder why they wasting their time around a person like you, keep them close they are really special and hard to find. You’re probably wondering why keep a super hero when there’s family, I am not so privileged in all forms of family support. We are still developing I’d say especially financially. And I wouldn’t be trying so much if I had dad and mom to call to every time I hit a rock. I still have both parents by the way who are high school sweet hearts yep they still keeping it real.
Enough about them it’s another story of another day. I am a simple person, with a normal routine; sometimes if not every day I go on my Facebook page always scrolling down and never comment on posts I just click the like button. I’m those types of people that get about 3 if not 0 likes every time I post something. Sometimes you just wish for the simplest things and it just doesn’t add up that your life is not going the way you want even in social media. What kind of curse was spelled upon me, I wonder?
If you have wondered the same thing I have a few words for you, don’t be too hard on yourself, and don’t try to figure out about things you don’t have answers to. Change your situation by fixing your mistakes or trying your best. Sulking on things and wondering about questions you’ll never find answers to is just a waste of time. Pray about something and find out ways that can help you towards your dreams.
Have you ever felt like your life is a dream? Sometimes you go home and you close your eyes and finish where you left of yesterday, in that dream or in that imagination is how you picture how your life would be, you feel comfortable in that dream or imagination and the life you are living currently is far from the bubble you’ve created in your mind. Step out of if it immediately, I know you probably tell yourself that dreams come through, they do.
Sometimes you need to draw the line, be in control of yourself.
So the last time I drank alcohol was back in the year 2013, I’m sure you must be wondering how old was I back then and I was pretty young I must say. We always enjoyed going out as a family, we never had friends only family, our parents didn’t as they quite fun themselves and they trusted us that’s the important part, they never had to worry because we never gave them a reason to.
After I made a decision to stop drinking motivated by someone special, I learnt that it’s a strong weapon that destroys families. I know my family and I could’ve been so much better if it wasn’t for alcohol, it has a strong hold on families. I have always believed that my family could’ve been very successful and supportive if it wasn’t for the devil himself alcohol and so I bind it in Jesus name, I silence Alcohol upon my life and my family.
Both my parents drink a lot, I’ve always been worried about them especially when I hear gun shots or people crying in the middle of the night so I would wake up and wake my younger sibling to go check on the gate if it’s not them. Life wasn’t always this way though. Sometimes you wonder what could’ve happened to them, and so you spend your entire life wanting Songoma’s or prophet’s to intervene. And it has come to my attention that I only get more confused by the day so I prayed about it nothing has really changed as things are still the same. I made up my mind to stop beating myself over this or wondering if I’m not praying enough or if God doesn’t hear me at all, I decided to pray about it and trust God in the process about it.
I had a great childhood I don’t want to lie before things went east but like I said I have put it in prayers. By the way I spend my spare time watching movies and sport or sometimes listen to a bit of music; I have tried my best to watch other things my family loved to watch. I really find it hard to concentrate just like everyone else in the living room instead I just take out my phone and just go on with my life, after all life goes on.
I think I mentioned that I am a bit different in the beginning but, like everyone else I sometimes go on and Google search ways to become rich don’t do it, it is a waste of data and effort. I have a simple answer; there is no way of becoming rich quickly. Try to put together things you believe you are good at and do those best even if you are a good liar work your lies up towards becoming rich.
I am sure by now you have figured it out that I am a believer, I believe in God and I believe in change, I’ve always believed that my simple life would change to be an awesome one. I have imagined myself inside a hall full of people and standing in front of them motivating them.
Today is Christmas day, happy birthday to Jesus of Nazareth. The year 2020 has been a very hard year for many of us, a lot of people have lost their loved ones during this pandemic and I pray that the Lord restores and heal them.
I also tested positive while ago and it’s really a weird feeling one that I also can’t explain but, I don’t wish it for anyone that I know. The lord has healed and has preserved my soul.
One of the things that I have learnt about this year is living life unapologetic, we’ve always feared of doing things because we scared of what the next person might say pretty judgemental to me. What if I could just live my life like want to and not feeling ashamed of what the other person might say?
Words of encouragement; fear nobody but the almighty God. Live your life in high expectations, set the bars high enough that even when you have done your outmost best it feels like you didn’t do your best, never live space for disappointments it will only slow down your race. Remember no matter what can happen to you there will always be a replacement, of Couse you’ll always be remembered but life will go on!
The most talented people in the world are seated at their homes unrecognised because they were scared to aim high, some were told they will never make it and they fell for it or some are held up in their dreams thinking that one day someone will find them and everything will fall into place.
Believe it or not we all have gifts, some where there in your life lies your talent and you ought to search very deep to find it, I remember the story of Jeremiah when God said “I know the plans I have for you, plans for you to prosper and not to harm you” . God knew we will suffer at some point that’s why when things don’t go our way we are easy to say God doesn’t love us, that’s why he reminds us every time of his promises.
Have you ever felt that you’re beautiful and not needing someone’s approval of the way you look? Can you really look at the mirror and say I AM BEAUTIFUL or you always need someone to tell you that, what if someone comes to you and says you are ugly with a meaningful voice. What will you do? Will you answer them boldly for yourself or you’ll start having a low self-esteem? This is how the lives of our teenage daughters have ended, when you get to think about it it’s a shame. How often do you tell your children that they are beautiful and that you love them?
“IT WILL END IN TEARS” is the most trending humour going around on our famous social networks; do we even know how sharp our words have a meaning? The most significant error of the black nation is not realising how much impact our words have and this starts way back during our child hood. It goes on that our nicknames become a norm of stupidity. I bind every discouraging words made against or before my life in Jesus name!
Sometimes I wonder if I could be given some sort of a mirror where I could see the people who have destroyed my life and my family at least they tried but Jesus beside me didn’t allow them, after seeing all the evil they have committed I would forgive them even though there’s so many ideas going on in my mind they would even wish they were never born, but I would forgive them because vengeance against them would make me nothing less than they are. Forgiving them would mean that I have the upper hand and I get to sleep at night unlike them that haunted by the evil they have committed.
Compliments of the new year or should I just rather just say season greetings whatever that means, so 2020 has been gruesome year, what’s the difference between this year and the previous year? Will there be much change or they differ in numbers, well I say the difference is “TIME” there’s not much change between yesterday and today but, with time it rotates and so does everything on earth which leads us to change. Can we change time? No! But, we learn from previous mistakes and time allows us to enforce change. That’s just my view of expertise and I bag to be corrected.
Since it’s a New Year a lot of people concentrate in doing their New Year resolution or even some get excited by doing bucket list, with me it’s different and you probably wondering how, well when it’ new year the only thing I long to do or make is; “DECLARATIONS”, I’m not always going to church and I’m not implying that it’s the right thing however, I have never missed the declaration Sunday for as long as I can remember and throughout these years God has been amazing and faithful.
So, how about you? What excites you the most about the new year or better yet I’d like us to try something out a bit and exercise if it doesn’t take much of your time, take a piece of paper and write down a list of things you wanted to do in the previous year and a list of things that you wanted to achieve but due to some circumstances you were not able to achieve. It doesn’t just end there let’s try to figure out ways to reach your goal in this new year unless your list has changed, if it has try not to confuse yourself.
One of the things that I’m still battling with is not finishing the things that I start, for an example; this year I want to start my own car wash, I get the first two cars and I begin to get excited that my business is coming through. When I get home I find out that we are short of vegetables but I won’t go buy it at the nearest Spaza shop because I have a business now, I am going straight to town to buy the veggies there. On my way there a friend of mine calls me and invites me to the movies but obviously I’m a business owner now and so I am paying for my own movie ticket. How ironic! Before I even know It I just give that up because I don’t see the profit I’m making or the car wash capital is not enough for me, I am a Dj Sbu kind of a person, I’m going to be recognised by Rhodes university, before I know it years are passing by and I’m still stuck in my dreams of being the next millionaire recognised by Forbs magazine.
I have a sense of humour, I am still struggling to take things seriously even in my late 20’s oh my goodness how, when did we arrive here not so long ago I was in matric excited to mature and now I sometimes have breakdowns. Am I the only one that cries out of the blew or, it’s just another middle age stunt, I’m not even there yet. Those few lines were just a constant reminder that years are going fast.
How do you know you wrong or write considering a statement attained, do you accept to be corrected or you never stand defeat. I for one don’t see anything wrong with pride and having bit of class and believe me you those two go hand in hand. Sometime you need to drew a line and know when you’ve done wrong , I mean one can’t be always right. The power of knowledge is in longing to learn more. I hate self petty it’s what drags starvation or hunger.
I am fascinated by our black writers all over the world, not that there’s anything wrong with white writers, It’s just that I relate. I know I have highlighted before that I am certainly not a reader of books but I actually sometimes read articles on the internet.
Good news I have finally come up with the name of the book, I have decided to name it after my late grandfathers favourite word “Nakanjan” I will however explain the meaning as time goes but this is not a tribute kind of a thing partially.
The word relates a lot on what I have written on this book, recently I went online to research about how many pages should a book be, shocker I am no were close it feels like I have written about everything but, encouraging is that I started this journey for a reason and may the Lord give me wisdom to finish what I have written, do forgive me if this gets a bit confusing as I will writing about everything.
Beginning of this year I felt a bit of anxiety, not a nice feeling at all I think 27 years is catching up on me. How did years go so fast, sometimes I wonder or think about the things I have achieved in all these years. Sometimes you wish that you can do a number of things and before you even know it years has passed which causes one to be anxious, for all I know I even worry about the simplest things like the weather.
Trust me I am not exaggerating things, life is not a movie scene aging is real. Sometimes we go through real tormenting things that we are even afraid to explain, like having a real bad day at work. No matter how much you feel like opening up to someone about it just because you feel that they might say it’s like that with everyone and so you keep it to yourself because you don’t want to be a nagger.
A lot of the things that seem as small always come to haunt us at a later stage, I’m you have heard about this before that keeping things inside you have a weird way of bursting out and then people start pointing fingers at you as the wrong person. I understand you’re not moody it’s just that you don’t want to talk.
Believe me you if you had a bad day try to confine in someone, if you failed a test try to open about it maybe you might get assistance instead of feeling bad about it.
My dad likes soul music so I also grew up loving the same genre of music, at a young age I’d sing ‘’let’s kiss and say goodbye’’ with so much passion as if I knew what the lyrics of those songs meant and till date I sometimes wonder why I love that music so much whilst people my age are into hip hop and house music it gets even worse when the music volume is played high, I become like a foreigner in some other country.
Some of us adapt easily to the conditions we group up in, I have learnt to be flexible so that I try to learn something new from other environments I come across to. Adopting to some conditions is another thing, I would rather put things together and come up with a solution that works for me be it makes me someone who is always left out on what some people are always sophisticated about.
More or less I would rather be alone watching a movie at home, whilst the others are having their night of their lives on a Friday night. We only live once has always inspired me hence I’ve never let a day go to waste imagine trying to figure out what I did the following and trying put the puzzles together. Life is about doing what works for you and not about what makes you good to others.
Same applies with our profound forex and bitcoin friends, to be frank trading has worked good on some people it’s evident by the cars and expensive clothing but, for me it’s like a maths literacy student writing a pure maths exam paper, it’s really not happening what’s so worse is the stories about investments that fly by night. Not everything that works for other people will work for everyone we just need to pick our talents wisely not based on fashion.
I had a lot of friends at school who could draw real beautifully and I swear I tried my best to be part of the artist team but it just wasn’t working at all so instead I went the back door and did copy and paste which we called tracing back in the days, putting a clean paper on top of the one you wanted to copy, I remember a picture of our late Tata Mandela. I had to quit my artist ways as everyone at school was doing it.
Based on what reasons to we pick our couriers I don’t really know actually but, the best thing to do especially if you’re confused about what you want to become is to attend courier expos. Sick to one thing and do investigation more what you want to choose and very important do not be fascinated by money, have a second option but put more effort on the first one and you’ll never go wrong.
The reason why these things sometimes don’t work for us is because we tend to confuse ourselves and a major culprit is peer pressure and self-doubt which goes hand in hand with low self-esteem. It is a concern especially in our poor communities. I have been exposed a lot of young people with no direction and you begin to wonder what could’ve went wrong when I come across to 7 out of 10 that don’t know how to ideally write their names.
It proves that there’s a lot of work that needs to be done in Africa. Starvation in a lot of communities is still the order of the day, we strive to live more than the production of the day. We have something to eat today let’s find out what we will eat tomorrow, no determination at all.
I like to think of myself as someone with a fragile heart even the happiest endings bring a tear to my eyes. I don’t know I think it’s a heart thing so I give people the benefit of the doubt, this is the thing with certain things they take smile for stupidity sometimes I wish I could punch them in the face but, the bible gets the better of me I don’t really consider myself as a religious person as I’m always open to learning about other things even though without a doubt the Lord is my rock and fortress, sometimes you need to know your basis in life. Know what you stand for and don’t be shaken or fascinated by other things.
Beliefs always triggers our state of mind, I admire certain religions that are unapologetic even though you wonder if there’s any freedom in sustainability, that’s some of the problems we encounter as Christians. There are no strict laws or principles which sets us out to roam around as free molecules.
Recently I had a bit of controversy with a few people and since my question/ view to them seemed as if I was prejudice to an act which I don’t like involving myself In matters that don’t concern me, they saw me wrong in their view for not siding with them. I decided to apologise as I was seen as someone who has less interest in them for favouring a side they were against, apologising did not mean I’m stupid/a coward neither did it mean that I was wrong and they were right.
I have learnt that some people are very ignorant and sometimes pride plays a major role to this, they are always right and can never be wrong, they are clever and the rest of us are stupid. This is what happens to some individuals when given power, they become the Stalin’s of our times (Dictators) to be frank. I honestly think it’s an illness. I hope I one day get the opportunity to have someone to explain further about this situation.
Now that we’ve talked about power there’s a huge race that is ran for a high rank status, we all want to fit in so much that some of us don’t notice that they a are higher than the level they assume they want to be in. it’s madness to think of it. It has been preached for a long time now that one must be careful of whom they associate themselves with, the answer is always the same keep your friends close and your enemies closer I have always thought that was a metaphor but, to my shock people out there really keep their enemies close and it never ends well believe you me, I mean like why on earth would you want to be friend someone that hates you it doesn’t make sense at all. Stop bragging about your achievements or things you own because not everyone is always vouching for you, believe it or not people out there can’t wait to see your dead end infect others would pay millions to drag you in the mud. Oh here’s you bragging again that your success intimidates other people, have you ever really stopped and realise how annoying you are. Trust me this is not a witch craft kind of shiandre.
Have you ever felt physically and emotionally drained? It’s like the mind is about to explode, your mind is calculating so fast like a time bomb. I personally feel this way but, even though I feel this way I won’t spoil my emotions by having suicidal thoughts or even wonder how the feeling of death would be. Sometimes I feel like perhaps death is better than the feeling that I’m feeling right now. Sounds like self petty or the devil playing mind games with me.
How do I control my mind when these kind of things start to happen like you are possessed by something you can’t even explain, the worst thing is having someone who has it all to tell you that life is bigger than that or try not to think about certain things which occupy your mind a lot, oh really?! That’s easy for you to say. To be honest I felt very emotional before I started writing and now I am focusing on something else that occupies my mind pretty much so I would say that it’s true when they say try not to think about it. But, don’t avoid it come up with something that will challenge your mind and automatically you might just stop thinking about a lot of things you hardly have answers to.
After writing that paragraph I feel like I have dealt with emotional and mind stress or tiredness however, physically I am still tired. I think with a bit of rest I will be fine that too isn’t that easy.
I want to make a confession, I love food and to be honest I am really over weight so i am always that person who imagines herself to have this nice buffy body and muscles in reality that’s not true I look like a cute bear or poomba and believe me you it doesn’t bother me one bit although when I look at that mirror I still see the worlds grated. Now this is the problem I love sport a lot and every time I watch those athletes they challenge me to put a bit of effort. I also enjoy the gym a lot the problem is food. Obviously I do the diet thing mostly perhaps the quantity is the problem and I hate fruit it really doesn’t do well with my sensitive teeth. Some of our local gyms are the worst, not friendly at all. It’s like you pay to go stare at other buffy people sweat who obviously know what they are doing there and so you just decide to quit. Recently a friend of mine invited me to a gym at the location. To my surprise when I got there it was nothing close to what I imagined, this who has his not more than 10 gym equipment decided to invite other young people around to join him at his home gym.
The most exciting part about this is the excitement of being around other buffy young men who are not selfish to go through the experience with the rest of us. That’s what gym should be like ideally to me, you hardly feel the pain as there’s laughter in doing so. Here’s another problem I live in town and the distance is still long without transportation or at least going there with someone else and my friend travels a lot and sometimes she can’t make it.
Dear reader I hope all is well with you, I wish I could ask you how have you been over a cup of coffee at a famous coffee shop, not that I ever drink coffee only water and soda although it sounds much better when you say let’s meet for coffee or beer. It sounds a bit weird when you say let’s meet for a glass of water at our famous water shop, great isn’t it? Now that I think of it, is there a reason why we don’t have water shops with no flavour at all although lime water has that nice freshness to it. I wonder why water doesn’t sound fresh without lemon added to it. Let me know about what you thing about opening a water shop and thank me later for that awesome idea.
Someone close to me just posted a picture of me captioned “this person loves herself”, I’ve never had that anxiety of wanting people to tell me that I’m beautiful or it never came on to me that I should have someone to compliment me although, I will always want an input on how a certain outfit looks on me. This is kind of the problem that our young girls lack they look themselves in the mirror and can’t say my, my I look very beautiful without having someone else to tell them that, you are wonderfully and beautifully made don’t care about who says what about that. Self-love caption this.
Recently I was browsing through YouTube and I came across some theories very creepy staff but, at the back of my mind I thought about something very deep that had me thinking about my love for money.
Do we love money more than God? That question hit very deep to me and I had to open my computer and start writing about this matter, I specifically, I am always on my phone searching about ways to become rich. How much extent am I willing to go on becoming rich/ having money. How much time do I invest in on God? How many times a day do I read the bible, do I even pray every day or I pray some days. Dear God forgive me. Yes we all want these nice things cars, houses everything luxury you name it but, have they become like idols to us? Have these things become gods to us? I know we grew up with a theory that says idols are statues and monuments, what about the things that we love so much today, are they not idols or gods?
Have you not killed or at least think about committing things as far at murdering for money? Let’s not act all innocent whether it’s fraud or corruption money has led us to thinking of doing a lot of things that can lead us to loving God less and money more. Lift your right and say I don’t want to love money more than God, I love God more than money. Should this even be a comparison , no.
The bible says, seek first the kingdom of God and everything shall be added upon you. Let us learn to be patient, all things work together for those who love him. I am the head and not the tail, above only and not beneath. I know we live in a time where everything is possible, everybody has all these nice and fleshy things and so we drag ourselves in debts because we also want these nice things that everyone else is having. Have stopped and wonder on what extent have those people went to in getting the things that they have today. Let us learn to perceiver and trust God for the process, it might take a while he has given us life in abundance and so we have all the time.
