I looked across the bedroom towards the pretty girl sat in my vanity chair, eyes blue. Innocence filled the room. "ARE we really gonna do this?"

1993, I was 12. We got on the bus to town, I didnt know where we were going? what stop? how do we we get to boots? Questions filled my head and Sherry turned and said "Dont worry, I know where to get off". I had Pound 10 in my pocket, I couldnt contain my excitment. My first time alone out of the small village I grew up in.

Have you ever seen the film 13? Looking back this was like an mirror of my youth.

We stepped off the bus and my eyes nearly popped out of my head! "Wow". Shops, shops and more shops were all I could see.

"Quick! Lets go to boots, they have a cover girl powder foundation and blue masscara Ive seen in the BIG magazine" "Ok" Sherry said lets go...

All afternoon we trailed round a big city centre, in awe of the make up, Garage shoes and people EVERYWHERE! I felt small and lost, but I didnt let that show. A little while later My Pound 10 was gone, I bought white musk perfume from The bodyshop, THE covergirl foundation I had wanted and a black khole liner. It was the best day I had ever had.

As we got back on the bus home I asked "Sherry, what shall we do when we get back?" "You know what we are doing Chloe! We have already said yes" .

I sat back in silence, I was nervous but Sherry was right! I had said yes. Little did I know that YES would affect me for my entire adult life.

2 days previous me and Sherry were at our local bus stop, we had pooled our school dinner money to buy 10cigs from the lady up the street and stood outside the local cornershop asking every adult we could find to "go in an get us a 99p bottle of special red".

Eventually, bingo! A young girl around what I would say was collage age agreed to go in the shop for us. Cigs and alcohol in hand we settled into the bus stop. Laughing and singing to "Proud Mary". We had just watched the Ike and Tina Turner story and wow! What a movie.

The more we drank the louder we sang. Care free with not a worry in the world.

2 older boys we had seen around the village came over and asked for a light for his spliff, "Sure", I passed one of the boys a clear white lighter with little pegs inside. (I had been collecting them for the last few months) He laughed and told me how cool it was. I coundnt help but smile.

They started asking us questions, "what street you from" "do you go to Dearnly Comp?" "How old are you?". I looked at Sherry, mind racing and blurted out "12! How old are you". The boy who still had my lighter gave a little side smile and said "18" I looked down embarressed, why would a man want to hang around with a 12yr old! I thought I had blown it, but luckily hadnt! he looked in my eyes and said "what you doing friday night?"

I was in shock! Was he really interested? Did he like me? Did he think I was weird? Was he gonna laugh in my face? But no, He looked in my eyes again and said "meet you here, Fri at 6pm"

The boys walked away, glimpsing back again with that half smile.

Back on the bus It was 4.10pm, we were 20mins from home. That meant we had 1hour to run home, put on the new perfume and get back to the bus stop for 6 on the dot.

As we walked to the bus stop my belly was doing somersaults. Sherry told me to "calm down" and we linked arms and started running.

Finally 5.55pm we were there, the boys were already waiting on us, I was shy but I said "come on" lets go sit in the old pub " The pub a run down building that doubled as a kitchen years ago to feed my dad and me during the 1984 minors strike.

Some how we ended up in couples and thats when I knew, I was in too deep.

The boy put his hand on my face and said "you have pretty eyes" then he leant forward and kissed me. Its was the most amazing feeling I had ever had!

He stopped and said " have you ever put a dick in your mouth?" Shit!!! I cant do this! Im 12, I still have a glow worm on my bed and only got rid if my rainbow bright wallpaper the summer before!.

I looked over at Sherry and then back to the boy and lowered my head, shaking slowly no.

He laughed and said "dont worry we will show you". I felt sick, wanted to run away, wanted my mum to get me. I was in deep, how could I have been so stupid to think I was grown enough for this.

Me and Sherry sat in silence as the boys simotaniously pulled out their dicks.

"Open your mouth" we did and before I knew it we had men thrusting their dicks down our throats.

I gagged and choked but you could see how much they liked it. I carried on moving my head up and down, my eyes closed, hoping I was doing it right! Then all of a sudden "ahhhhhhhhh" What I know now to be warm sticky semen shot all over my favourite sweater shop jumper. I staggered back thoughts taking over my mind "what was that" "is this normal" "does he hate me". Seconds later I saw Sherry stand up, she gagged and then spat 3 times on the floor.

The boys, looked at each other and started laughing hysterically. We were just stood silent, unsure what to do, where to go, who to call?!.

The boys pulled up their pants and one winked "Same time next friday?" I wanted to be sick. I put my head down and nodded.

Me and Sherry walked home in silence, not one word spoken. I walked in the house, my mum and dad in the living room, the light was off but TV blaring. Mum said "do you want something to eat". I tried to reply but no words came out, I ran upstairs and ripped off my spunk stained jumper, hid it in the wardrobe and cried.

Little did I know this would set my life on a trajectory I spent 30yrs trying to get off.