Whispered gently into the wind, his name quietly stays stowed away inside the vault of solitary thought. Rather, painting a quick picture of him. He is like chestnut brown - the depth and heart of the earth, unwavering warmth, a lingering embrace softened by depth yet tender. A quiet solace, like the earth's own hue, deep and reassuring, but with a touch of mystery in its layers. At the dawn of the tale, years of friendship blossomed out of shared simplicities and deepened through learned mischief of turning hidden corners within ourselves, revealing our vulnerabilities, and holding one another steady. We first met when we were young, crossing each other's path, pure innocence sparked by a chance, an unfeigned exchange. And before we knew it, we were harmonizing to an unfamiliar aria, a melody only our hearts seemed to understand.
As it grew like a wild vine, unhurried and unruly, it embraced the moments that shaped one another. With shared laughter over trivial things and the easy comfort of common ground. Fate gave us stories that only both of us could understand, we talked about the usual silly jokes and the light, casual ease of shared interests. It allowed for a sense of continuity, memories, and events that could only make sense to us, a steady beat that somehow felt like home to me. Like a thread stretching across time, distance, and space. An exquisite tapestry is woven with moments of joy, strands of pain, and colors of every kind that blend into something uniquely ours. It is about being there in an irreplaceable way. We have been there for each other consistently, unfailingly, and beautifully. With all warmth, his presence became a beacon of hope-unwavering, full of light that I cherished dearly and held close. And saw something through him, in a way that was so pure and unimpeded by complexity, like the first light of dawn breaking gently over the horizon.
Then I discovered myself, gazing through him in a new light. His pristine aura stirred a sort of joy in my heart, an unfamiliar warmth. Once, I tried to capture that feeling in a poem for him, pouring out words that felt unlikely to me, It started so innocently as it came entirely natural, simple, and beautiful with a grace that had a subtle beauty of its own, all the while it was sweet in its own subtle manner. It was a bright, short-lived, and dispersed by the first breeze, a dandelions' wildfire. It never even crossed my mind that it would become this big of a deal, especially when I was at my weakest and barely managing to put myself back together. And yet, there he was - appearing in the randomness of chance. Like a twist of fate, our paths crossing again, in the moment snatched from the void? His comfort was always openly welcome, as we have always been close and enjoyed each other's company, but something about that day unsettled me to my core. From the moment, the touch of his hand grasped mine, the moving time seemed to freeze. I became a spectator of my body, a mere observer; I could not make my muscles come alive, could not utter a word, while the veins from thy heart were conspiring against me, throbbing violently. This final pass concludes the paradigm of denial that embraces me like armor and murmurs ''How could this be happening?'' But the touch of his hand was gentle and held each other's palms for a while, asking a silent question.
As the sunset gradually merges into the sea, a stunning, quiet surrender - loud, conspicuous at the beginning, and almost disappearing into the depths, which are inconceivable to me yet an irresistible realm - adoration. While these feelings made my heart leap with joy, darkening the hopeless part of a soul and awakening hope, these grew into the fire of confusion and fear.
That prospect was even more frightening: to lose our friendship, which made me freeze up, trapped between. Submitting myself to silence or admitting something that gave me more shadows than hope. It is as if the whole world repeats itself in a sadistic manner; to have such strong affection for someone only to find that he returned as a dreaded phantom - once a friend, becomes the center of the universe, ironically. I'm left yearning, not just for answers but for clarity, as my soul echoes with questions: Why now? Why this moment? But what could bear this intense wave of feeling - this passion that seizes a man suddenly, like an illness? It seems as though fate has abandoned me in an open sea, I become a passive victim who wished for something to be done, yet deep inside me, I still fight for us, and the desire to strive for something more. This Unexpected encounter has sown a storm in me, a restless storm; the wind speaks what I have never confessed. It follows me for hours, it is a part of my night's dreams and a part of the day's reality.
Like a tide pulling at the shore, it begs the question: Should I allow these emotions to break him or drown them in the sea of sullenness? To speak with an unguarded heart, it is sufficient for me even if there is no reciprocation of such emotions; just his companionship is sufficient, the beacon of light in the eye of a storm, a whisper of solace in the weary skies. He is the sheer luck that walked into my life at the right time and showed me directions I otherwise could not find. But it is kind of wrong to think of myself as anything else to him. I - still to this day carry something of one of the biggest disappointments of my heart; I am cautious - shrouded in distrust. They're the imperfections that keep shadowing me; I wanted them to never bring him suffering, and pain, which I would never forgive myself for inflicting. Heavier than the pain in my heart for the love I never said to him is the thought of his pain. Thus, it is terrifying to recover the feelings of a friend and love him so deeply, as if each step would bruise something uniquely beautiful, like pieces of glass. It shows, as nothing else can, how "deserving" of a love that is beyond measure - one that embraces their imperfection accepts you as you are, and gives without asking in return. I can't help but hope that someday, his heart locates the infinite embrace, a love that embraces him with the gentle strength that he so deserves, perhaps forever and ever. Who could have imagined I could just let go of someone so dear, with all knowledge of the darkness within me and all the pain my soft hands, forbearing touch could inflict on his fragile heart?
To be shattered, be fragile due to indecisions or insecurities, a broken heart. For the weight of life itself - that is, load, not reasons. A performing mission, a teaching presence, an urge to progress, to develop, and to accept the reality that one is part of another reality - the reality of being unique. Each scar and each ordeal defines who we are or the image of our souls. That makes us unique, being different from each other; we all have our secrets and scars. People are either lost to the darkness or taught how to navigate this darkness, being normal is the new beautiful, and weakness is a source of strength. Though we may never be what my heart wanted us to be for each other. It matters little; for our friendship is the single wealth of which my spirit encompasses. I would choose it even if it breaks me a thousand times. A thousandfold, a millionfold. These feelings are not meant for romance. It is a gift - a brilliant sun that will remain close to my heart, a chapter within my plot that I will cultivate care and respect. That is enough in general, more than enough, looking back and saying it happened, allowing the darkness to be overtaken by light or to allow gratitude to triumph over longing. I know there are more creations wherein I have not yet been to but are still on the way. And though my heart has these existing scars. It takes the pain and elevates pain to an art form, resilience, and subtle change, transforming grief into something healing and beautiful. As I move through life beneath the open sky I explore the world seeking my life purpose.
My life seeks out hidden truths around me as I travel through all life's grace to find its endless limits. Life offers its purpose, and I want to discover even more, focusing more on why the deals worked rather than how I succeeded. Wanting to go on through hidden goals rather than material gains, all my challenges at every turn, to "Develop myself" and let the ocean take me without resistance. Moving on towards freedom, a restoration process has started in my emotional core. The things that bring me to life as a complete person drive my pursuit, as these fragments of passions create the fabric of who I am through writing as I find my original love so true and untainted, possessing this special sacred connection forever. My spirit finds expression through written words, a gift of boundless writing stays with me, even for eternity.
Thank you for bringing a spark of divinity into my life,
The power to write words stays with me because of you.
Forever grateful shall I be, For you - a soul so pure and rare -
Who mended both my heart and soul.
Throughout my different life stages, both challenging and exciting times have given me light, You inspire me to live in the darkness and light.
A soft beam called chestnut glow enters my world, following life as a gentle imagination unfolds. Take care, always "J"
