The Camping Trip

It was the first camping trip of the year scheduled in early Spring over a long weekend in May. This was an annual rite of passage for the young men in their teens to rough it in the wild and they had planned it over the long Winter at various local pubs. Since the teens had plenty of time to organize themselves they were all looking forward to fun and adventure over the Victoria Day long weekend. Unknown to all of the group aside from the two individuals involved, there was some romantic rivalry over the same girl who had dated one of them for 3 years in high school. Mike was the jealous boyfriend, a narcissistic sociopathic jock with an easily bruised ego and prone to violent emotional outbursts, so others who knew him, gave him a wide berth, specially when he was in a bad mood, lest they become a collateral target. Ryan had grown up with four sisters and had learned a thing or two about charming and pleasing women and proved a worthy rival when the relations recently went sour between Mike and Carole. Things were heating up between Mike and Ryan.

There were six guys in the camping group and they had arranged transportation for two canoes and a 14 foot aluminum boat with small 9.8 HP motor. Getting to the destination lake meant driving thirty miles out of town and ten more down a dusty road to the drop off point deep in Esker Park. They then had to cross that lake and run up a choppy river to get to the portage point where they would have to climb about one hundred feet along a gradual slope where the waterfall had carved a deep groove in the granitic rock of the Canadian shield over millenia. Mike was teamed up with Ray in an old heavy wooden canoe that was narrow and unstable. Ryan was teamed up with Rick in the aluminum boat and finally Dan and Gord were in another lighter fiberglass canoe that was the easiest to portage and maneuver. They all made it to the first lake in two vehicles fully loaded. After unloading the watercraft, food, tents and coolers full of booze they headed off. Ryan and Rick were in the aluminum boat which had a motor so they took the lead. Ryan was driving and had a bit of fun running circles around the two canoes to the dismay of Mike who protested louder than the rest of the canoeists and uttered a threat. Rick suggested that they could tow both canoes if they formed a daisy chain so this calmed tempers down and speeded the crossing of the first lake. After they crossed the lake and found the river outlet they went on their own ways as they needed all their wits about them to navigate up the river and make it safely to the portage point. The Spring runoff meant the river waters were about four feet higher than normal and the flow was fast, impeding the boat's progress. Ryan and Rick were nervous when it came to making it to the portage point since they had to cross the river current just below the falls and this was the most hazardous part of the trip. Fortunately there was a large dead tree near the rocky shore so Rick was able to beach the boat safely and they immediately started to unload the boat upon arrival at the base of the falls. Because the current was so heavy Ryan and Rick had managed to complete their portage by the time the two other canoes were arriving at the portage point.

Ryan lit up a joint to celebrate a successful portage and shared it with Rick as they watched the two other canoes nervously paddle their way cross the heavy current to the rocky landing point at the base of the falls. Ryan laughed as he watched them try to paddle their way to a safe harbour. Rick observed how uncoordinated Mike and Ray were in the lead canoe with Mike at the back nervously barking orders to Ray. Rick and Ryan helped the canoeists land their companions canoes by tossing them a rope and gently pulled them in by the dead tree. The four canoeists were wide eyed by the scary maneuvers and exhausted by the exertion required to ford the river's current upstream.

After a short break to recharge their batteries, the two canoe portage was done by a group effort and they formed another daisy chain of watercraft so the canoes could be leisurely towed to their final destination. Since the upstream portion of the river was calmer all of them took out their fishing rods and favourite trolling lures to try their luck as they slowly made their way to the upper lake. Rick was the first one to catch a fish and yelled out "Woohoo I've got one" as he reeled it in and saw that it was a small Pike and no need to use the net, he pulled it in, unhooked it in the boat, then released it. Mike made a comment about the size of the fish that Rick had just released saying "That Pike was a hammer handle, ya gotta do better than that". Rick responded by saying "At least I caught the first one, sucker, I don't see you reeling in anything" and so the catching began. Next to get a bite was Dan who caught a small mouth Bass as the water got deeper and they passed by a bed of water lilies and tall grass. Dan played the fish for all it's worth, since Bass are really good fighters, jumping out of the water with much more action than a Pike twice its size. As Dan reeled in the Bass he yelled out "Hell Yeah, gotcha", then quickly unhooked and released it saying "goodbye number two", next. Ryan yelled out a challenge to the others above the sound of the motor. Ryan said if anyone doesn't land a fish by the time we make it to our camp then they have to gather and chop all the wood and make a group camp fire. Mike was the next one to latch onto a fish and it was a huge pike. He barked orders to Ryan to slow down so he could reel it in and Ryan obliged. Mike had the pike within his site and just as Ray got the net ready the humongous Pike spit the hook, splashing Mike with a strong wave of its tail as it swam off inches from his grasp. Ryan yells out "What a drag, looks like you got skunked Mike. That one doesn't count, since you didn't land it". Mike was pissed and yelled back "Fuck You, Scar face" then pulled out a joint and lit up to pacify his disgust at his loss. At the current rate of travel, it was still another hour before they would reach their proposed camping spot.

The noise from the motor operating at trolling speed was still loud enough to make any conversation between Rick and Ryan impossible to overhear from the canoes in tow. Rick opened up the cooler and cracked open a beer and handed it to Ryan then helped himself to a cold one. Rick lit up a cigarette then told Ryan he had an interesting story to tell him about Mike. Rick started by saying " It looks like Mike and Carol are done by the sounds of it", really says Ryan, "tell me more". "Yup, I also hear that Mike's best friend (Plouffie) tried to nail Carol after a late night partying but she initiated coitus interruptus and rolled over to fall asleep instead". Ryan was all ears now and asked “ How did you find out about this Rick ?". Rick said he heard it from Ray who heard it from Ray's oldest brother Michael who happens to be good buddies with Plouffie. Rick said "Plouffie has a reputation for being a Tom Cat who likes to brag about his conquests so by now it's all over town". Ryan said "I thought Mike and Plouffie were bosom buddies, you know birds of a feather". Rick said "Yeah but Plouffie's far worse than Mike, as a matter of fact Plouffie was a sado-masochistic sexual deviant who assaulted/molested him when he was in grade school and got pleasure from seeing him suffer". Rick said "Mike was just one of the many sidekick collaborators manipulated to do Plouffie's dirty work by bullying me from grade two to twelve, making my life miserable enough to consider suicide". Ryan said "Wow, I feel sorry you suffered so much. I wish I met you before high school, I could have helped to put a stop to that crap". Rick said "I trust you would have Ryan. Ray and Dan were also good friends who helped to keep me grounded but I never told them about all the awful things that Plouffie subjected me to". Rick said "what I'm telling you about Plouffie is just the tip of the iceberg". Ryan said "So did Mike find out yet about Plouffie and Carol" and Rick smiled as he said "Yeah and they got into a big drunken argument which ended with them forgiving one another in a tearful hug". Ryan said “ I think Plouffie is AC/DC since he's way too friendly with that openly gay male student in high school" and Rick agreed and said " I gotta wonder about Mike and Plouffie". Ryan and Rick both had a laugh as they looked back at Mike in the last canoe. Ryan said "Karma is going to catch up with that Fucker one day".

The boat ride to the campsite was longer than they remembered and lots of fish were teasing or spitting out lures along the way but Mike never landed another fish for the remainder of the day. They finally made it to the campsite and beached their water craft. The site was located at the tip of a small peninsula that jutted out into the large esker lake. There used to be a log cabin long ago but the roof had rotted and collapsed leaving beams and logs strewn about on the ground. Trees had grown in between the remaining floor boards and there was a large outhouse still standing on the left side of the structure. The group decided to clear ground and setup their tents and campfire near a cluster of Pine and Spruce trees in case they needed shelter from bad weather. Once their tents were setup they all worked together to move three logs from the decayed cabin to use as benches around the campfire. Ryan then said to Mike " Ok Mike the missing Pike, since you got jinxed you have the pleasure of chopping all the firewood ". That didn't go down well with Mike since there was only one axe and it was a hatchet with a heavy wooden handle. There was plenty of wood from the old log cabin but they were large pieces so Ryan and Rick headed off with the boat to do some easy picking from wood piled up at an old beaver lodge they passed on the way to the campsite. In the meantime the central fire pit was made ready and enough Birch bark was found to start a fire. Gord got out a few pots and filled one with water from the lake and set it on a metal grill over part of the fire. Gord then opened up a package of hot dogs and put them in the pot of water then he opened a Costco sized can of beans ( a can big enough to get your head stuck in it ) and poured them into the other pot then placed it on the grill. By the time Ryan and Rick returned with a boat full of firewood from the beaver dam, the food was cooked and all they had to do is get out the bread and butter and make toast. Dan cracked open a cooler full of beer and passed them around, then Ryan took out the paper plates and they all helped themselves to the beans and weenies. This combination of food would prove to generate a potent negative effect on the olfactory senses later that night.

The Sun was slowly setting by the time they had finished eating and washing up. No plates to clean since they fed them to the fire. All they had to clean were the utensils. It seems that somehow Mike managed to break the axe handle while violently chopping wood and muttering under his breath and there still wasn't enough firewood for the weekend. Ryan dragged over some long pieces of branches retrieved from the beaver lodge then laid them across one of the large logs they were using as benches and jumped on them to break them. Rick got involved breaking branches as well, since he was wearing steel toed safety boots, it was easier than Ryan who only had sneakers on. Ryan took a break and rolled a joint then lit it up and passed it around the campfire while others topped up their favourite drinks and stared into the fire, hypnotically watching the embers glow. Occasionally a Moth would be attracted to the light and end up getting toasted by the fire, like a Kamikaze pilot, going up in flames. Rick started telling a story and said " What an asshole Plouffie is. Dan do you remember last fall when you and Donna were living in that second story apartment ? Your son was about two months old and while I was visiting to pay my respects, Plouffie shows up with a bottle of Balantines Scotch out of the blue". Yeah says Dan and he also brought over some Meth/Speed crystals and a hypodermic needle. Rick said "That's right and he asked you to inject him, then Donna and when she refused I was next in line. For fear of retribution from this madman I did the deed and injected him with his coaching. Seems he did this kind of thing before by the sounds of it and I made myself scarce by leaving right after that injection, not wanting to stick around with a drug amplified sadistic sociopath. Dan said "Thanks a lot, Donna and I were stuck with Plouffie playing host to that lunatic time bomb. Donna was pissed because of the uninvited imposition and Plouffie didn’t leave until after midnight with me having to work the next day. Mike interrupts the story by saying "Plouffie is just high strung, he's not such a bad guy". Rick said "Ya right, Last Summer a small group of us got together at a friend's place after a pub night when Plouffie and Michael (Ray's oldest brother) crashed the party. I was upstairs at the time and came down to go to the bathroom. I was shocked to see that Plouffie was rummaging around the cupboards looking for food and pulled out a box of Dog treats then offered them to people at the party. I told people what Plouffie was doing and he turned around and started yelling at me after I called him out. He then assaulted me in the kitchen and had knocked me to the floor trying to grab me by the testicles during the struggle. Michael didn't lift a finger to stop the figh,t knowing Plouffie was in the wrong. Fortunately the home owner Denis broke things up before anything but glasses got broken and kicked Plouffie and Michael out. Plouffie doesn't have any respect for anyone, specially women he screws, then broadcasts his conquests all over town, besmirching their reputations. How’se that for a character reference Mike ?

That retort pretty much shut Mike up from trying to defend his friend Plouffie without any allies in the group to back him up. Ray said "Sorry I didn't know Michael just stood by and watched the assault on you Rick without doing anything". Rick said "Well it all happened so fast I guess Michael was shocked too" I don't hold anything against Michael but he should choose friends who don't get their kicks at the expense of others and pleasure from someone else's pain. Mike started telling some sick jokes to change the subject and the tone changed after he lit another burnt offering and passed the joint around. Dan got up and farted loudly in response to one of Mike's jokes and said "I'm off to do my business, take messages for me will ya" and he walked over to the shithouse to drop a log. Mike got all exited and proposed another one of his long list of mean-spirited pranks. Mike said " Let’s go yank Dan off the throne for a laugh" Mike appointed Rick to open the outhouse door then Ryan and him would grab Dan by the arms. Silenced by fear of retribution Rick did as he was asked and opened the shithouse door reluctantly. Ryan and Mike grabbed Dan by the arms and yanked him out with his pants around his ankles. The quick actions and motion resulted in Mike ripping off the entire coat sleeve from Dan's high school jacket. Holding the sleeve of Dan's jacket in his hands Mike yell's while pointing to Ryan and said "He did it, it's his fault". Dan calmly looks at Mike and says really! and goes back to finish his business saying "No shit tickets for you mate, you can go in the woods from now on, and I hope the Bears get ya". Things quieted down after that incident and people finished their drinks and went to their tents, since it was a long day and they were bushed. Those that fell asleep first weren't affected by the snoring or farting, mercifully.

Come morning everyone had a slight hangover and Mike complained about not getting enough sleep saying something disturbed him during the night. He then scratched his head and wondered why there were so many sticks piled up at his end of the tent. Rick as it turns out didn't sleep well either because of all the snoring and venting. Mike's snoring was like thunder and Rick was the last one to hit his sleeping bag to his dismay. The noise was unbearable so Rick opened the side pocket to his tent and grabbed whatever sticks he could get his hands on and threw them directly at the source of the thunderous snoring, momentarily getting respite for about ten minutes each time he tossed a faggot of wood at the tent. The periodic wood projectiles went on for a few hours until exhaustion set in and Rick finally fell asleep. The smell of cooking bacon and instant coffee woke up the others as Mike played the outdoor gourmet cook trying to pacify the victims of his missdeeds last night. They all got up in and ate heartily, then headed off their separate ways to try their luck at fishing that day. They all caught something since there was a good variety of species such as Pike, Pickerel, Bass and Suckers, but never brought any back as they had plenty of food and nowhere to store any catch or preserve the fish. It started to cloud over in the afternoon and looked like a storm was brewing so this nudged the group to gradually make their way back to camp and eat an early meal before starting drinking again. Mike and Ray made it back to camp first and went to open a bottle of wine but discovered that they forgot to bring a corkscrew. Ray improvised by piercing a small hole in the cork and pushing it into the bottle so they celebrated a good day fishing, toasting each other. Ryan and Rick arrived next having loaded up more firewood from the beaver lodge, they proceeded to haul it over to the campsite. Since Mike had broken the axe the previous day, Rick and Ryan started to break the Sun bleached branches with their feet. Ryan and Rick took a beer break after working half way through the dried wood leaving the bigger branches for Rick and his "Lil Abner boots" to break after eating. Mike and Ray had finished off the bottle of wine and Mike had another prank up his sleeve. This time Mike urinated in the empty wine bottle and set it aside so that anyone approaching that campfire would see it as an offering. Eventually Gord and Dan came back and Gord walked up first towards the campsite. As Gord approached he noticed the bottle of wine and made a remark then Mike enticed him to have a swig. Gord was pretty thirsty and sweat was pouring down his forehead so he attempted to take a big drink. After swallowing a bit he spit it out in a misty cloud and threw the bottle into the middle of the fire pit. The bottle lodged itself upside down deep within the glowing embers and was quickly covered up by collapsing branches and nobody noticed due to Gord's loud outbursts of astonishment over Mike's latest cruel prank. Gord said "What The Fuck, did somebody piss in the wine bottle?" It was impossible for Mike to keep a straight face as his body language and laughter gave him away and Gord looking disgusted said "Nice Guy, who needs a Frenemy like that, Did you learn this kind of behaviour at hockey camp ". Gord then cracked open a bottle of Jack Daniels, took a swig, rinsed out his mouth and spit it into the fire in the direction of Mike. The Jack Daniels ignited in a ball of flame which startled Mike and everyone who witnessed it had a good laugh. Mike yelled and said "Ok, I guess I deserved that but you almost burned the five o’clock shadow and eyebrows from my face". Gord and Dan opened up a can of beef stew and heated it up on the fire pit grill and continued to drink that Jack Daniels. Dan took a big swig holding the bottle in his left hand and with his right hand and thumb placed under his armpit, flapped his arm while saying "Whooeee, Nick,Nick,Nick" then feigned spitting it towards Mike on the other side of the fire and everyone laughed but Mike, who was trying to suppress his anger. Mike said "What is this, pick on Mike night?" and tossed more wood on the fire in a blaze of sparks and flying embers.

While Gord and Dan ate their beef stew Rick who had already had three beers and some Jack Daniels went back to breaking the larger branches for firewood. Ryan said "Poor Mike the Pike, everyone is picking on him. You had it coming with your stupid pranks" and Mike leered at him across the rising flames as he tossed in more ember disturbing branches that lit up the night. Rick was having fun breaking branches with his steel toed safety boots but one branch was too green and he bounced back and lost his balance landing on one end of Mike and Ray's tent, collapsing one of the aluminum support poles. Holy Shit ! said Rick "Don't worry I'll replace that pole in a jiffy with one of these branches, sorry ". Not much longer after that little accident a suitable branch was holding up the end of the tent and it was made secure once again. The wind had picked up after the calm before the storm and it was getting dark. Ryan kept on teasing Mike about his friendship with Plouffie and said he heard that Plouffie tried to nail Carol at some cottage party and wondered why Mike was still friends with him. Mike barked back saying he heard from Plouffie that Ryan was the hound dog sniffing around his property and that he was cruising for a bruising. Ryan then said he heard that Mike and Plouffie recently had a drunken argument over Carol. Ryan said he heard Plouffie and Mike ended up hugging one another in tears. I guess you kissed and made up eh ? Mike was enraged and red faced and picked up the axe handle remnant and started stirring the embers which caused sparks to blow in the direction where Ryan and Dan sat across the fire pit. Ryan then went too far and said " You know Plouffie is a close friend of that openly gay student in high school and though that Plouffie might be AC/DC and suggested that maybe Mike was AC/DC since he cared more for Plouffie than Carol and maybe that's the reason they broke up ". At that moment Mike went crazy stirring up embers, and sparks got carried away by the ever increasing wind which also carried rain horizontally at this point. Mike yelled out "Fuck you scar face" and threw the axe handle at Ryan but missed and hit Dan right in the middle of his forehead, knocking him back off the log onto the ground. Mike had risen to his feet and Ryan went to see how Dan was doing. Dan was stunned and probably had a concussion behind the big egg shaped lump where the axe handle had struck him a moment ago. Mike went to the wood pile and got another branch and was heading around the fire towards Ryan when the wine bottle that Gord had thrown into the fire took off like a rocket straight up from where it had been buried within the center of the fire. The cork that Ray had pushed inside was ejected from the bottle under pressure from Mike’s urine turned to steam. The red hot wine bottle rose about four feet in the air and when the wind driven rain struck the rising bottle, there was an instant explosion of glass with bits of shrapnel flying everywhere. Most of the innocent bystanders saw it coming and had enough reflex to protect themselves except for Mike who bore the brunt of the blast, since he was so intent on vengeance he never noticed until he landed flat on his ass with empty hands and a few cuts to his scalp. This abruptly ended the argument and Rick administered first aid thanks to bandages he had in his waterproof tackle box. The guys finished their drinks, then drifted off to their tents to try and to get some sleep despite the thunder and lightning that angrily ensued.

The next morning most of the guys had hangovers once again, except for Ryan who seemed to handle his booze better than others. They ate some energy bars for breakfast and started to tear down camp. Dan was busy doing his business so he occupied the outhouse and Mike had to go at the same time but couldn't wait. Mike simply walked about fifteen feet away and decided to do his business right there in plain view of everyone milling around. Mike had the nerve to bark orders to Ray on how to do things his way as he was taking a shit in front of everyone. It was a disgusting site and people did their best to Ignore Mike and go about their work since it was a long trip back in wet weather and they were feeling pretty miserable. All was packed and loaded so they headed back with canoes in tow, not bothering to do any trolling whatsoever. They made it to the portage and all their stuff was moved to the base of the falls in record time. The aluminum boat went first with Rick in the front and Ryan driving across the cross flow of the heavy current to safety on the other side and waited in an quiet patch of water created by eddy currents and submerged rocks. Gord and Dan went next and almost capsized because of the extra heavy current due to the rain, but they made it across ok and continued with the current downstream. Mike and Ray didn't have the same skill or luck as Gord and Dan. A few seconds after they launched their canoe and started to cross the strong current a large log got washed down the falls and side swiped their canoe, knocking them both into the water on the far side. It's a good thing they were wearing floatation jackets otherwise they might have drowned. Ryan and Rick sprang to action and were able to pull Dan then Mike from the fast moving water safely on board the large aluminum boat. The canoe had been recovered by Gord and Dan downstream and was slightly damaged but salvageable. All other supplies had been lost to the current including the paddles.

Ryan made it to the river outlet downstream to the lake and found a sheltered bay and landed the boat with the recovered canoe in tow. They setup one tent so Ray and Mike could change clothes and warm themselves in sleeping bags while they built a fire to dry the clothes. Once the guys had recovered from their shocking experience they packed everything up and made it back to their land transport vehicles and on to civilization once again.

The end.

Epilogue Note

Ryan and Mike never saw eye to eye and Carol did break up with Mike. Ryan heard that Mike was teaching a night course on “Outdoor Survival and Safety” at a community College. Ryan thought it was ironic coming from somebody who caused so much havoc on that camping trip. Ryan doubted that Mike used his behaviour as an example of disasters and how to avoid or recover from them. Funny that Carol got married to some guy out west and named her son Ryan.

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