It was a peaceful Monday morning until Greg decided he was going to start being "a coffee guy."

Greg had never been a coffee drinker. Tea was his thing. Calm. Predictable. Slightly boring - like Greg. But today, he wanted to feel the thrill of caffeine coursing through his veins like a Wall Street stockbroker in a rom-com.

So he marched into Java Galaxy, pointed confidently at the board, and said, "I'll take the quadruple espresso macchiato with oat milk and two pumps of motivation."

The barista blinked. "You mean the 'Buzzsaw Special'?"

"Yes," Greg said, adjusting his tie like he meant business. "Give me the buzz."

Three sips in, Greg's hands were vibrating like a tuning fork. He tried to take a selfie to document his new persona - #CoffeeGuy - but dropped his phone, which bounced into his coffee, which then launched itself across the caf� like a frothy torpedo.

The drink hit a man in yoga pants (he was on his third downward dog of the morning), who shrieked, slipped, and knocked over a table of laptops. Someone screamed, "Is this a flash mob?!"

Greg tried to apologize but could only speak in Morse code via eyelid twitches. He fled the scene, knocking over a potted plant and shouting, "It's not who I am - it's the coffee!"

He went back to tea the next day.