AM BORED, SARRY

CHAPTER 1: Corpus or Astir

So, I was really in a deep thought of how people decided to end their lives, committing such thing as suicide. Just what drive them to do such thing?



"Do they know that they will die if they would do so?".

I actually asked my brother this question, which seemed to be a stupid one because of course! Of course they know! Even though I know the answer, I still asked my brother. And yeah, he hit me with a answer "That's why they did it". Well this is an obvious answer, I know it, still, a part of me cant seemed to understand it.

Their taking lives lightly.

I may be the stupid one for saying this, it is said that the most common reason is being tired of living, depressed, bullied, anxiety, stress, and other things.

"But would anything will be solve just by dying?"

Well, I'm also tired attending school or facing the day without knowing what will happen every second of it. Still, I would wake up early, take a bath of that cold water in the morning, would get myself ready for the day, and arrived at school earlier than everyone in that classroom. Listening to all those lessons that I don't even know if I would need it in future, like, calculus? hello? Am I were to used it when I buy a soy sauce in the store? I don't think so. Being a student for those teachers that will likely to eat you and gobble you up is tiring. Especially those teachers in your last period that has no plan on letting the class ends until the time reach the quarter of five. This might just seemed as a ranting of a teenager (well yes), but hey, I am suffering too, I also got tired and be depressed but I am sure to myself that I would never commit such thing like taking my own life or even making my wrist full of blade cuts.

"Maybe to them it was something more intense?"

Well, maybe it is. I don't know but, one thing I'm certain of is I will never understand those people. I don't particularly hate them, a part of me actually envy them for being brave facing 'death', I know they are not facing it because they want to (or they do?, I don't know, but maybe more like using it as an escape?) because I am scared of it, just hearing it scares me. But for me to come for it, is a big no. It will be my biggest sin if I would attempt one. I am not saying this because I was a Christian who believe in God, more likely for the reason that I like my life even though it is boring sometimes (I just get bored easily), be depressed by activities, assignments, and projects, and just getting tired of it repeating as always. I quite enjoy it.

But yeah, I don't hate those people, I just don't understand them. I actually know this author who is a suicide maniac I would call, for he tried numerous suicide attempt in his life. One actually of his suicide involves I don't know, maybe its his lover - because it is said they've been living together. They both attempted suicide but the author survived and got married the next year and I don't know if the woman survived. His stories also actually really depressing, I read only two of his stories and both are depressing, featuring someone committing or attempting one. Still, I cant seem to hate him or his stories, but actually having some feeling of connection to it adding the feeling of emptiness.

As I continue to scroll some old notes in my phone, I was startled by my alarm. "Ah? Its this time already?. Aargh, even though I have work, I didn't get any sleep." I was irritated but I have to get to work. I let out a big sigh before decided to got up and get ready to work. I started by tying my hair, my hair gotten pretty long since I was always busy and had no time to cut it. As I continue to slide my fingers in my head to tie it all out, I turned my head to the left, there was a mirror there. In the mirror I looked at myself, my eyes had this really dark bags, my lips are dry, and had this really messy hair. But the thing that stand out the most is that I looked like I had no life within me, my whole aura is giving these depressing and gloomy atmosphere. If someone see me in this state, they would definitely ask if I'm okay, did I lose someone or even if I am lost. Though I don't care. I brushed my thoughts and charged my phone, I also check the time and its 4:00 am. Might be absurd for someone to have work this early, but in my workplace, this is actually pretty late.

I sighed again.

Before I got myself into thinking I am pitiful and a person that needed someone, I rushed to the bathroom and wash my face. I draw a quick cold bath to woken myself up and dressed myself in light clothing. Then, I made myself some coffee and put some bread in the toaster.

Its 4:20 am.

I don't have time to finish my coffee and toast so I just put the coffee in a tumbler and took some tissue to pick up the toast.

I started walking to the hospital. Its been like this everyday for the past six years, a repeated cycles of days. Its not like I hated it or something. I was actually pretty satisfied of it, just, maybe something interesting will happen once in a while is not bad.

Something that will make these repeated cycle of days more lively and interesting.

But today seems pretty different, getting no sleep is always the same though. Anyways, sleeping aside, using any gadget when I cant sleep scarcely happened to me. I happened to found some old notes from my phone and I ended reading it all night. In the first place, I don't remember why I did write that, I think, hmm, it was when I was in 11th grade? I was reading some of the works of an author who committed suicide and, the character in the book also committed suicide. In the book, the character left a letter for his sister before committing such thing and I think the letter hit me hard into thinking about "suicide things". Like, why would they do it? Or something. Well, I don't want to reminisce of the past because I have work.

"Walking like this can always really makes my mind flood with thoughts." After I said that I let out a big sigh. I continued walking until I reach the bridge, I don't know what you call it but its that bridge that goes up when a big ship will pass by under it. I always find it really astonishing and fun to watch that why I chose this path to work, but seems like no ships will pass today's as well. Its not also like something new will happen today as well. Or so I thought, just a minute after I think this, I saw a man outside the fence of the bridge. He was looking down in the water while both hands are holding in the fence. Even though its weekdays, no people are walking this early. (There's one though.)

People also mostly go to work in cars, this bridge had rarely people walking in here- the reason also why I choose this path. Seems like he will jump any minute now so I took a liberty to talk to him.

"Yo! morn'n".

That may be a bit energetic greeting for someone who'll take their lives any minute now but who cares anyway. (I'm just saying this but I just don't know how to start a conversation).

He didn't looked at me nor answer my greeting, he just continue his gaze to the water. Silence surround us for a second. Since hes not answering I got a little closer to where he is and lay my head in the fence observing him. Now that I looked closer, this man had this pitiful look in him. His hair seems not been attended for so long that it grew and now covering his eyes. The way he dress was also a simple light wear, not normally you see in nowadays men's. And actually all these traits I found in him also match me.( I don't know why but it feels somehow amazing?). I was shock to the core that it made me stand straight.

Now its 4:30 am.

"Hey, do you know why I didn't add "good" to my greeting just now?hmm? Cause seems like you don't have that today." For some reason I started rambling in front of him. My tone is the same as when I greet him and was also been replied with the same response.

I don't really have any social skills in me so I'll just give up in taking his attention by being a sunshine people. I looked at the horizon and seems like the sun is not yet up but will ready to be. Air blows a cold wind and the flow of water in the river seems really loud.

"Are you gonna jump?". I blurted out. I caught him flinch when I said that and decided to continue speaking. My tone was not jiggly anymore, but also cant be considered as a serious one.

"I'm sorry if I was being nosy in your business but its just that I found this old notes in my phone and end up reading it all night. It was something I wrote when I was young after I read some books about this one author who committed multiple suicide attempts. That author actually succeeded in committing one and all of his works that I read contains someone neither attempted or committed one. And you see, I write in there that I don't understand those people and that I neither hate them or like them but their mostly the people I don't want to be involve to. But after all what I said, I also wrote there that I was curious about them." I started scrolling to my phone and showed him the note. " Here, see". I was shocked when I acted like that, but surprisingly he looked and started reading it. I just then continue speaking as he is reading it.

"I was actually a nurse from the hospital nearby, maybe that also a reason in me being nosy?". I added. He finish reading my note quickly, maybe he just skimmed it but I immediately withdraw my hand and he goes back on looking down. I look at the horizon and seems like the sun is coming up soon.

"Say, if you decided to live, my house is nearby here, it's the blue one, its pretty recognizable since it's the only blue painted house around here. If you decided to live, you are free to enter there. Eat something like a toasted bread or you can cook if you can. Bath yourself in a cold water to clean and wake yourself up and even make some coffee. Wash also your clothes cause it seems like dirty and dry them fast using the dryer. If you want you can use some of my clothes since most of my clothes are for men and the size are much bigger than me." I said this all to him while shutting my eyes, flipping my body and letting my back lean over the fence while my hand was supporting my head. " I'm not trying to say here for you to live and don't give up your life since in the end, it still will be your decision. I'm just trying to give you more options to choose right now since you only have one choice in mind."

After that, I bid my farewell to him.

It is true that I'm just giving him more choices to have but maybe, some part of me also hope to not let him jump and that just my way of saying it. I don't know and I don't have or even wish to know, cause either way, it will be his decision. I started walking to the hospital, I'm actually now late since my shift is 4:30 am. Still, I continue to walk to the hospital not turning around.

Its 5:00 am.

I heard the water from the river splashes.

I realized that the sun was up and it started to hit my face, its blinding even though I'm not looking. Some people enjoy watching the sun rising and I'm actually one of those people, but it seems like right now???.. I cant.

Suddenly, I hear a person scream for help. I scrolled up my phone and dialed a number. The water in the river is actually pretty wild today, it made me think what would it bring to me later.

A dead body or a surviving man?