Jacob stared at his old antibiotic prescription bottle, which now housed roughly thirty Percocet pills. Jacob wasn't sure how many it would take for him to never wake up again. But he desperately wanted to find out. No more sizzle, no more God, no more fighting, no more losing. 'WAKING UP BUT WISHING THAT YOU DON'T!' 'PRAY' by Jessie Murph blasting inside his earbuds. 'IS SOMETHING THAT I PRAY YOU NEVER KNOW!' It's the only song he played. It's all Jacob could think about since getting clean almost forty days ago. It's been over a week since he'd been to the church, or talked to anyone about what he was thinking and feeling. It's the very real and powerful nature of alcoholism and addiction that isolates and separates a person from everybody. It's what Jacob wanted most now. To separate himself from everybody, including himself. Jacob was no stranger to past suicide attempts. He tried once before when he was nineteen. He'd stolen his uncles Valium stash and took them all before drinking an entire bottle of nightquil. When he woke up he was lying in a hospital bed with his stomach pumped and a catheter inside his penis. That was before he ever tried crack. Before he became a father. He told himself after his daughter was born that he would never be so stupid again. He also said he'd never let himself become a crackhead. Yet here he was. And now, what seemed stupid and selfish, sounded reasonable and understandable. He didn't want to live anymore, and that was all there was to it. It wasn't like he was living anyway. It was all a huge failure to him. He didn't want to get high anymore, he didn't want to be a long distance father, he didn't want to work hard for a year just to one day throw it all away behind a relapse. 'WAKING UP, BUT WISHING THAT YOU DON'T!' He just wanted to sleep. He wanted to feel nothing. 'IT'S SOMETHING THAT I PRAY YOU NEVER KNOW.' He looked at the bottle again before twisting off the cap. He held the Percocets, tears falling from his eyes onto the pills in his hands. He closed his eyes, and went to sleep.