Jacob didn't want to open his eyes. But what he next made that impossible. "My Name is Anna, and I'm an alcoholic." There she was. Jacob watched the tall slender woman standing at the front of the small church in front of a large crowd. Jacob knew exactly what this was. His daughter was about to give a lead. That was when an alcoholic who had fully worked the program told their story to others. It consisted of what their life was like before alcoholism, what happened to make them seek help, and how their life was after working the 12 steps and building a relationship with their Higher Power. Jacob looked around the church and noticed how big the crowd was. It was unusually large and every seat was taken, with some standing against the walls that surround the church. He was devastated. His daughter had become an alcoholic. He walked closer to her, examining every inch of her beautiful face. He wanted to reach out and hug her but he knew he couldn't. All he could do was watch, and listen. "No matter how many leads I give I still get a little nervous so please bear with me." The crowd laughed. "My name is Anna and I'm an alcoholic, I just turned 31 back in February and my sobriety date is March 24th 2046. That gives me a little over 13 years sober by the grace of God. I have two sponsors, Marla H and Debbie R, and I have a working knowledge of the 12 steps thanks to a God of my own understanding. I have several sponsees who drive me crazy day and night." She let out a small chuckle. "And I wouldn't have it any other way. My story…" She paused for a moment, then continued. "My story starts out like many of our stories do. I knew I had a problem long before I ever took a drink of alcohol. I grew up in a small city just east of Cleveland called Youngstown. I grew up with my mom, sister, and two brothers. I was the baby. My dad unfortunately died when I was 11 years old and that's truly when I believed my attitude about life changed. I just didn't realize it then. My dads death wasn't just a lost for me." Jacob listened intently to his daughters words. "It gave me something I never had before, something that I still struggle to keep in check. And that was a reason to hate my life." Anna's words cut right through Jacob's heart. Not only did he leave her, he left her with the same exact demon that tortured him for most of his life. "Now don't get me wrong," Anna continued "My relationship with God has given me so much to be grateful for, and I am. Everyday I wake up and thank God for his mercy and his strength, because without that I'd be dead already. When I was 11 years old my father committed suicide. He took his own life. And for years and years I just couldn't grapple with the idea that he chose to leave his only child. For whatever reason. You see, to me, him making that decision didn't just leave me hurt and in pain. It destroyed my sense of value and self worth. And I'm like, 'well, what about me' what could I had done that was so horrible that you didn't even think about how what you were doing would affect your only child? Why wasn't I enough to stop you?" Brandon didn't cry. He was frozen, unable to react to what he was hearing. "After about a year or so my grief turned into pure rage. It became so easy to hate everything and everyone. Especially myself. By the time I turned 16 I was a full blown alcoholic. I had dropped out of school and begin to get in frequent trouble with the law. And I did not care. I didn't care what I said, who I hurt, or what anybody felt about how I was living my life. A little over a month after my 18th birthday i got drunk and took my moms car. I didn't really have anywhere to go at the time. Me and my mom had an argument. She wanted me to get help for my drinking and I was livid. I was so mad at her! Like, how dare you be concerned about your daughter and her uncontrollable drinking. And on top of that, my dads birthday was the following day. I was so closed off and out of touch with reality and she was scared to death that I would get myself to a place I couldn't get back from. But what my mom couldn't see is that I was so far gone, so unreachable that nothing or nobody could save me. So I took her car and drove off. I was so angry, furious! So blinded by rage that I didn't see the young man crossing the street. His name was Brandon Stewart, and he was a year younger than me. I struck that young man with my moms car and it killed him. And just like that," Anna snapped her fingers. "All my anger, and hatred, and self hatred manifested itself into an act that took an innocent boys life. I was arrested and charged with vehicular manslaughter. And spent the next 5 and a half years behind bars. And if anyone's doing math here, my sobriety date is my fathers birthday. While I was in prison I met my first sponsor Debbie." Anna pointed to the older lady sitting directly next to her at the chairman's table. "I love you Debbie!" Anna said as she wiped a tear from her eye. "As a condition of my plea agreement I had to attend A.A meetings while incarcerated. And she became my sponsor. She read the big book with me everyday for 4 years and she walked me through the 12 steps. During my 5th she brought me to the realization that my fathers death was not a representation of how he felt about me, but how he felt about himself. She showed me how life can weigh on person, especially someone battling a drug addiction. And she also showed me how each of us here, on this earth was solely responsible for making, and taking, the necessary steps to heal yourself. And I know my dad tried. He went to meetings my whole life. And he prayed. But at some point he felt like his efforts just weren't enough. And he submitted to his misery. My dad was gone, and he was never coming back. I found myself carrying his misery. And I didn't have to imagine what he felt, because I carried all of what he left. And still carry some of it. Every single day. And the hardest part of my recovery was simply trusting God. Trust that His love and power could lift all of what I could not. And at first I didn't want to. I refused to let go of that misery because I felt as if it connected me to my father. And it did. But it connected me to all the parts of him that was unable to see anything past his own pain. He couldn't see any life that didn't involve continuous pain and disappointment. And that's the part of him I had to learn to completely let go of. HIS pain was not mine to share in anymore, because he decided not to carry it. So he left it here. My dad died when I was 11, but I didn't truly grieve that loss until almost 10 years later. And it almost destroyed my life. I still cry for my dad. March and May is extremely hard for me. They actually found my dads body on my grandmothers birthday which is also on Mother's Day. I know he's not hurting anymore. And if he were standing here today in front of me I would tell him how much I love him. And how much I truly understand the weight he carried. I wish he could've seen something more than just what he felt. I wish he would have let us help him carry a portion of it, instead of leaving us to carry all of it. As I mentioned before I now have sponsees that I'm charged with caring for. And the very first thing I tell them is exactly what Debbie said to me. 'I know you're hiding something, and I know you're holding on to something. But I promise you that if you're honest and willing to work with me, I will help you carry what's weighing on you. But I can only do that if you allow me to.'