That afternoon, after returning home from church, I spent several hours in prayer. I confessed my sins to God and asked Him to forgive me. Then I made a solemn promise.
From that day forward, I would never sin again.
I was completely sincere. I meant every word I said. I truly believed that this time things would be different. Surely, I thought, if I was determined enough and committed enough, I could finally overcome sin.
But within days, I found myself failing once more.
The disappointment was overwhelming. I had promised God that I would obey Him, yet once again I had fallen short. Feeling ashamed, I returned to God, confessed my failure, and asked for forgiveness. Then I made another promise to do better.
Once again, I failed.
And so a painful cycle began.
I would sin, feel guilty, confess my sin, and promise never to repeat it. For a short time I would feel hopeful, believing that I had finally gained victory. Yet before long, I would stumble again.
The cycle repeated itself over and over.
Each failure left me more discouraged than before. Every broken promise increased my shame, and every act of disobedience deepened my fear of God's judgment.
The thought of death became increasingly frightening. Not physical death, but spiritual death—eternal separation from God.
Many nights I lay awake thinking about eternity. Questions filled my mind.
What if I died before I had another opportunity to repent?
What if God became tired of forgiving me?
What if I had deceived myself and was not truly saved at all?
These fears followed me everywhere. They troubled me during the day and kept me awake at night. No matter how hard I tried, I could not escape them.
Many church services seemed to intensify my struggle. Preachers frequently warned about sin and judgment and urged people to examine their lives before God.
I understood why they preached such messages. They wanted people to take sin seriously, and I certainly did.
I feared hell. I hated sin. I desperately wanted to please God.
Yet neither fear nor determination brought me victory.
The harder I tried to become righteous, the more impossible righteousness seemed. The more I focused on my failures, the more aware of them I became.
Instead of finding peace, I found myself trapped in an endless struggle. Sometimes I wondered whether I would ever be free. Sometimes I wondered whether I would ever have true assurance.
One question echoed through my mind more than any other:
"What if I die today?"