Chapter
10
Sleep didn't seem to come easy either; at least she thought. Brookann's dreams went back to around the age of seven, when life was to be about finding, your best friend, or riding your bike with the little kids of the neighborhood. But instead, she was one that didn't have parents to tell her there were no monsters under the bed or in the closet, no her parents were the kind that played mental and sexual games with her mind and body.
She recalled holding up her little brother to a window and then suddenly dropping him in terror of what she had seen outside her window. It was as though a bolt of lightning had just struck but it wasn't lightning at all. It was electricity, Brookann looked in disbelief out her window again as her mother lay on the ground in a puddle of water where it had misted just that morning, smoke was coming off her body, blood, body parts, her aunt telling at her father on the roof to quickly come down, screams.... The smell of burnt flesh. From there Brookann stepped out of her room to see her father carrying her mother through the French doors and yelling for me to get back into my room and stay there.
Brookann smelled the horrible stench that floated down the hallway into all the rooms in the house. "Daddy what is that smell?" Her father yelled back, " Just stay in your room and God for bid keep you're baby brother in there!" The next thing Brookann remembers is the ambulance coming up the road, the neighbor is there holding her and her brother, and saying, "Let's pray for your mom."
Brookann even more restless in her dreams, seem to be moving right along to things a small child should never have had to deal with kept racing in her mind. All the sudden she is now eight and her father has brought her home after a long forth grade school year at her Aunt and Uncle's, and not seeing her mom but everyone saying she's doing better but still in the hospital, Brookann's mind continuing to move through time but not far enough.
The home her father brought her to was not the one she remembered, but yet she knew where her bedroom was, the walls had all her things hanging on them. As a child she didn't much think of it at the time. Brookann's dreams continued to go deeper. "Daddy there is a storm coming I hear the thunder." Brookann leaving her bedroom to go to her father's leaned in to says she was scared. "Come in and lay with me if you'd like?" As she did she felt all warm and fuzzy her parents never let her nor her brother come into their room, it was forbidden, but she did she cuddle up to him as a child would do. While she slept she was awaken by rough big hands. She had never had anyone touch her that way before and it didn't feel right but she lay there not knowing what to do. As her mind wondered frantically, "maybe I was crying out from a dream, daddy must think my tummy hurts but why did he keep moving my nightgown and his hands are fondling me on my panties " then recalls what her teacher had talked about in class, that big people wasn't to touch little people in their bathing suit areas. She wanted to cry out in fear, was her father doing this? Was this okay because it was him? Her mother has not yet returned from the hospital so she was alone, and with everything in her she finally got the courage up to get out of the bed and say. "I'm okay now Daddy I'm going to my own bed."
As Brookann continued through her life she thought she had forgotten, but more dreams of her father came into view, "He's laying in my bed!" "It's squeaking and he's on top of me biting my nipples, oh my God please let my mother hear him her room was right there." But then it hit her what would her mother be able the do, she only had one leg and the holes in her body covered with skin grafts had to be gauzed and bandaged everyday."
Brookann seem older in her dreams now, she heard herself crying softly, her father didn't even notice until he bit her to hard and she squealed out and that must have brought him to his sense because he was gone, like a gun that's trigger just got pulled. She there crying silent tears, hurting, scared, and ready to run away the first chance she got!
Yet it kept happening, memories came and went. She was always older then the next. Until one day the mother, her in her illness, was able to go to Grandma's house and was going to be gone for a week or so. So recalled her mother saying," It's about a three hour drive so I'm going to stay for awhile." Brookann knew she wasn't safe; she knew her father world be back again trying whatever he thought he could do to her. But what was she to say, her mother stronger would beat on her until blood was seen, grandma lived to far away for her to run to, the one person she always felt safe with. She remembers asking her mother if she could go with her, and of course the answer was, "I don't think so you have to cook and clean and keep up the laundry as you always do, you can go another time." And then her mother left.
Turning and tossing wanting to awaken but the dreams are stuck in the fog of her life and then..... Brookann is laying in her father's bed and he's trying to put his manhood inside of her as always but yet even older she was to small a girl for him to do it, yet she old enough now to know this was not right, she got up out of the bed after he pleased himself, and went running to the bathroom and locked the door. Sickness came over her until she was heaving and nothing would come out of her any longer. A knock at the door, he asking in that soft voice, "Sweetheart are you okay?" "Can I get you something? Let me in to check on you." Sickness again came over her and she curled up into a ball crying until no more tears would come. Her dreams kept coming, hands on her, her mother yelling, her father, her little brother........God no!!!!!!......make it stop, please make it stop!!!!!.......... The next thing she remembers is waking up trying to knock Austin out as he is trying to hold her and tell her everything is going to be okay and that he was there.
"BROOKANN, BROOKANN....wake up it me Austin! Brookann baby is okay wake up it's me." He said as he was fighting her fist so not to get hit by them. "Baby what was you dreaming about you're okay, your drenched and your face looks as though you have been beat-in up on, babe what the hell scared you in your sleep?
Now noticing who was holding her, she grabbed Austin so tight with fear she knew it had to be cutting of the blood to any and all parts of his body. What was she saying, "Oh just my father and the child molester, or pervert I had to grow up around, I was just dreaming of him it's okay no biggie. Want some wine with the brick of knowledge I just beat upside your head?" But she couldn't do that of course so what was she to say? Then it hit her as she pulled away from him she asked, "Austin what are you doing here?"
"Something told me to come by and check on you and now I'm glad I did. What was all that about. When I came up to the door you where screaming and telling your dad to stop so I let myself in. I didn't know what to think isn't your father dead?" "Oh boy!" She thought "This isn't going to be good. Yes to answer your question, four years ago Christmas or maybe a little before tha..,... oh it doesn't matter."
"We'll talk about that when it hits me with what you told me. What do you mean something told you to come by? What you got ESP now?" Brookann said in the most sarcastic voice Austin had ever heard her use against him. "No and don't be smug Brook!" "Don't call me that my name is Brookann!" She pushed him away and got to her feet. In a daze Austin said, "Okay Brookann" Austin said in shock at her out burst. "What is all this about?" He was about to lose his parents if she didn't come clean.
Brookann looked at Austin asking again, "So was the front door open? Brad's car gone? Again what would you have said if Brad would have been home?" Austin just looked at her with eyes of "I have no ideal, I probably would have said I was the damn paperboy, when did we start fighting?" She looked at him in shock, "I'm sorry it's not every day I wake up and you're in my bedroom." She said calmly.
"It's okay." Austin said as he reached for her hand. "How about we had to the living room just to be safe." Brookann smiled and said; "Good choice!"
When entering the living room Austin said, "Wow nice digs. I always pictured you more as Alice in Wonderland instead of John Wayne and horses. Guess we do have a lot in common."
She turned with a smile on her face and said; "Do I need to go back to my room and find the secret rabbit hole or would you rather ride off into the sunset on one of my saddles?" Austin said, "I'd rather talk about what I walked in on. Do I need to give you a pin and paper so we can pretend I'm gone and you can write and tell me, would that help?" She turned to him and noticed the notebook in Austin's hands; she yanked it away. Fear in her eyes as though death had just come to her door step. Austin lost by her actions couldn't move. At that moment, even though he felt he knew this beautiful woman as though he'd been the child hood friend she'd always had, the emptiness he saw in her eyes, so empty, it made the hair on the back of his neck stand at attention. Something was wrong and it was time she told him.
"Alright, let's start from the beginning." "Come set down here and talk to me isn't that what we where going to do anyway?" Austin could feel the tension in the room but did his best to shake it off. After all, if there were things they needed to get out in the open now would be the perfect time.
As she slowly moved to set on the couch she leaned into him and as he wrapped his arm around her she shattered, just his touch no matter how simple put her into a world she craved for for so long. Her shoulder shook as she cried. Austin set there letting her finish and saying the most comforting words to her yet no more then a whisper. As his voice stays calm and low he begins with "What's up with the name thing beautiful? You've never yelled at me for just calling you Brook but the wild look that came in your eyes, please explain. Talk to me there is something bothering you deep and why haven't I been told it's written all over your face."
The warmth of his touch and the gentleness in his voice gave her strength to ask for a tissue on the end table. When she felt more at ease she told him of her dreams, no longer concerned as to why he was there or what gave him a clue she needed him so much. As she spoke Austin set speechless, soaking in every word she said, letting her throw in her little, and I've never been able to remember all this until here lately." or " Austin please don't think of me as dirty, maybe that is why I blocked it out of my mind. What man, decent man, would want someone with a filthy or a child hood I had or care to hear how when it all came down to it her mother wasn't her real mom, or that she had been taken from the time she was two years old and was told her real name was Brook Nichole, birth date was really the day before the one they made her believe in. Or that her Father used to take her for drivers to the forty acres they owned full of beans, and try to do dirty things to her and talk to her as if he was on a date with an adult looking out over the pond with stars in the sky." The more Brookann spoke the more she shivered, the more she yelled, but not towards him, but Austin couldn't take it any longer. He grabbed her up and held her, told her to stop and breathe, one thing at a time. Yet his brain was spinning this woman rocked his world and yet the whole time he'd been in a jail cell she never told him any of this or if they talked on the phone nothing in her voice came close to the pain his girl had carried her whole life. At that moment he didn't know who was in shock more him or her, how many nights had she hired from her husband to cry, he had to know didn't he?
"Brookann when you have these dreams doesn't your husband comfort you, hold you, talk to you? If you tell me, maybe I can help you through them as he does and you can emotionally calm down." " He doesn't no!" She said in what seem to be a three year olds voice. "What do you mean he doesn't know, how can someone not no this is your past with all the screaming I heard while you where........." And with those words Austin stopped dead, his face white as a sheet. He held her even tighter, there was a time and place for everything it was time and this is as good as place as any. With that he told her he was going to make some coffee and asked if she would be okay if he left her alone long enough to go into the kitchen. With a shake of her head he made her set on the couch and covered her with the small blanket that at this moment reminded him of her. If a strong gust of wind would come along this very second she would blow away, just as the thin material would do.
As he fumbled around in her kitchen trying to find everything to make the coffee his mind was a swirling like a ship that just landed on a new planet we didn't know about. This strong, independent, humble woman has been shattered and no rose colored garden will ever take her to the beauty childhood she should have truly lived. His mind was numb. As he was finding the cups and pouring the coffee he wasn't even sure he could carry them to the living room feeling the shock that took place in the depths of his body. He seen a lot in prison and oh what they do to those kind of people....his thoughts were interrupted with her voice asking if he was doing okay?" " Uuummm. Yes I'm coming." Austin said.
As he came out into the living room his stomach was still up in his chest, yet he cared the cups like a pro, shocking himself, setting them on the table he said. "Milk and sugar for the lady and extra strong the listener." Austin looked down to see Brookann just setting in amazement. "Babe I was hoping you could smile for me just a touch." "I'm sorry what did you say?"
Austin placed the blanket over her legs and tucked it all in tight and set next to her in hopes it would give her the support he felt she needed. As he cleared his throat, he began with saying, "Let's start at the beginning." My first question to my girl would be, "How is it you can go through what your feeling with so pain, with so many scars, and not talk to your husband about any of this?" "What kind of arrogant pig can this man be? Doesn't he love you enough to want to help you no matter how small or big of obstacles you have? I mean I know all our letters where as friends and I thought up until today I knew you like I've known no other person before, but now it is time to set things straight." Brookann looked at Austin with sheer evil in her eyes and yet the fear was flooding back to her, her bones begun to feel even more cold. She had to ask him to please, with all the questions just let her take it at her own place and she'll tell him everything.
"Austin please, please, if you want answers you'll have to let me tell you in my own way. I can't just pop off an answer without explanations. I don't want you to think of me as shallow, or dirty, or anything my mind may think you will think, okay? Please!" While she begged and pleaded with him he gave off the signs that it was hitting him he was going to need to calm down and try to make some sense out of it all. So with that comfort she began.
"Well.... I, I really don't know how to start this Austin, I have never talked about it before except to my house parent I had at the Children's Home. Austin again, "What did you just say?" You where in a home? Why? How? My God is there anything you haven't went through?" "Austin please stop I will explain but you have to stay calm, this is why I don't talk about it. It is supposed to be my past, and you can't keep living it so why not forget it!"
Because when you love someone you want to find out everything you can about them, everything in their past, present, future, anything?" Austin took her again in his arms kissed her softly, and looked into her face, "I'm sorry for all the pain you ever had to go through, if I could take it all away I would!" Her hand came up to his arm and she said, "Thank you Austin but there is a lot more to it then that, so get ready to have a lot of coffee baby because for the first time in my life I want to tell someone about it. But are you ready, because there isn't anything I want to hide from you. Now that you're here in person it means so much more. Please set with me and I'll answer whatever questions you may have but give me space to breathe between them okay?"
Austin didn't have a question to be truthful, he just want to listen so he told her to start at whatever time she was ready.
As Brookann slowly told her run down summary, it all started with her dad taking her away after her mother went into boot camp the Army from what she gathered her mom knew nothing of this move that was going to be happening. But in the end my father found a baby setter that was about twelve years younger then him they ended up falling in love and married. It wasn't until I was older that I found out she wasn't my real mom as they had portrayed.
Brookann went on to tell her story; "I found some pictures in a hope chest and ask my mom who they where she she told me, "Oh that's a cousin." Little did I know it was me!" I guess my real mom did try to locate me, but I really do have my disbelieves about that because her and my fathers live don't add up as to when they both got caught or as in my real mother's case I found her. But it isn't nice to assume either." Austin stopped her by asking, "What do you mean, by disbelieves?"
"Well I have always thought that anyone person in the military could locate anyone else that had been or is in the armed forces, but I could be wrong. But the most important thing isn't rather they can or can't the important thing is because my step mothers middle name was the only difference then my real mother, she changed my baby book, she changed my date of birth, I mean they didn't go to the black market or anything they had agreed to only call me Brook Nichole, not Brookann Nichole, the birth date ect.. the same as I explained before.
Austin asked, "How did you learn about all this?"
"Well darlin, your going to think I lost my mind but I had a dream about it when I was in the children's home, but not until my father wouldn't bring my birth certificate so I could get my driver's license. Instead he took it to the bureau and told them the circumstances and they said okay, a few hours later I past with flying colors." Brookann sat there with a smile on her face remembering the pride she felt for such a small accomplishment sense she had never driven in all her years.
"But to answer your question that's when I knew my father was hiding something and I called my grandma, who always told me the truth. And at that time he was forced to come face to face to tell me everything." As she felt Austin placed his hand on her she came back from la la la land and began again after she had him ask if she was doing okay?
"Austin you sure you want to here all this because what got me into the children's home isn't pretty, but I couldn't take it any longer."
"As I told you earlier, there isn't anything I don't want to know, we are friends right? To have any kind of relationship you have to "be" friends and trust comes with that simple little word,"
"I'll be right back, your coffee maybe cold but mine isn't, it's gone." They both held a smile to one another as he left to get himself more coffee