"It's gonna be alright." I whispered into her ear before I got up, My heart heavy.
There is nothing but silence. Then.
Footsteps, short, urgent. They stop behind me. " You must complete the conclave." The voice spoke. The words rang in my head like a bell. I picked the sword up once again, my hands shaking a little less this time. I got down beside the little girl. "You know what I do when I'm scared?'. I asked her in a gentle voice. "What do you do".
She asked, cautiously. "I kill the fear." I said. "How do you kill fear?" She asked innocence dripping from her voice. "Tell me now, are you scared?" I asked avoiding her question. "I was scared before you came but I'm alright now." She said her voice steady.
"That's good, now I need you to close your eyes and think of something that makes you really happy, ok?" I said, trying to keep my voice from cracking, my heart already breaking into a million pieces. "Ok" She said as she closed her eyes I got up, positioning myself to stand behind her.
I surged the sharp blade into her heart, with one swift move, it slashed through her flesh, taking her last breath. Her blood splattered across the floor, on me, - on the others kneeling beside her. Her tiny scream echoed through out the arena as she took her last breath. Her fragile figure collapsed onto the floor.
My mind raced, My heart shattered, my bones turned to water as guilt took control of every part of my body.
I collapsed right beside her tiny figure laying on the ground.
"I can't" the words repeated in my mind like a mirage all over again.
"You have five minutes to complete the conclave" A voice, cruel and cold spoke over the over head speakers.
My mind spiraled in all directions. It was no longer my heart controlling my actions, rather my mind. My hands moved before I could think, My body crawled towards the kneeling man, My hands reached for the sword and slashed his throat with it. "I'm sorry, I am so, so sorry". I repeated in a trance. I didn't feel anything, my body, mind, thoughts they all went numb . I could only feel the darkness and the heaviness in my chest, every breath I took felt like losing a battle.
My mind spun but my hands moved, they didn't stop.
Not until the last person fell to the ground with a thud, as the blindfold around my eyes was removed, as the voice spoke again: "The conclave has been completed, All hail, queen Seira!"
Only then did I feel everything, the burning feeling in my chest, My bones collapsing. The tears came, So did the realization. I couldn't bear to look, I collapsed, once again, shutting my eyes close, hoping all of this was just a dream.
"Mom! I had a horrible dream! I shouted waking my foster mom up in the middle of the night. "What was it about" she asked, exhausted.
"I had a dream where Luna died.. there,... there was like blooding dripping from her little furry body like someone had stabbed her, and I couldn't move, I couldn't do anything to help her, it was so terrifying mom."
I described to my mom through tears.
"It's alright sweetheart it was just a dream. Luna is right here look." She said pointing to the chair where our cat, Luna was sleeping peacefully. "Come on now let's tuck you into bed and put you to sleep?" She said patting my back. "But mom what if a dream like that comes again". I asked holding her hand tightly.
"let's see, you tell it to go away multiple times and it will disappear, I promise." She said kissing me goodnight and leaving the room.
"Go away, this isn't real. Go. Away." I said out loud, desperately trying to erase the memory of those innocent brown eyes of the little girl staring into mine. I covered my ears with my hands, I closed my eyes shut so tight, I felt they were going to pop out.
"Stop, Please stop." I said finally opening my eyes, realizing the cruel truth. This was real, what I did was real.
I gathered my buckling legs beneath me, forcing myself to rise and face what I'd done. The heaviness in my chest deepened, my heart shattered into a million more pieces, and tears streamed down my face without pause. Even the heat in my body abandoned me - ashamed of what I'd become.
I staggered back, distancing myself from their bodies as much as I could. The stench of blood clung to my skin, thick and metallic. My stomach twisted. I doubled over, retching, a dry heave clawing its way up my throat.
I gagged - violently, helplessly - as if my body was trying to purge the guilt. But it wouldn't leave. It stayed. It settled in my bones.
I choked on the air itself, thick with death. My body convulsed, desperate to reject what my hands had done.
The warmth from a hand lands on my shoulder, gentle.
"You did it" Cilith said standing behind me her hand still on my shoulder, My mind, my body ached for comfort, in an excrutiating need for someone to tell me I did the right thing, that I had to. Craving for a pair of warm hands to embrace me within them.
But I wasn't going to seek this need from the very kind that made me do this.
Their faces, voices sang in my mind like a melody, one that was haunted, dead, long gone.
"What is she so disconsolate about, they were pests corrupting this place anyway". A voice rose from the crowd, which was now cheering, the cheers faded. Something new arose inside me, no longer grief, sorrow, regret or doubt,. It was anger. My body fed on that anger, It pulsed through my veins, heat returned to my body. Then it burst. I turned to face the crowd. Fire Blazing out from my hands. This time different. This time I'm in control, doing what my heart said, ignoring my mind. I burst the blazing fire in their direction, setting the place in flames, I stand as the fire spreads across the arena, I stand in the center of the burning flames, watching each one of them burn, feeling my heart fill with satisfaction, "My trial has ended, yours begins now" I shouted as they all ran in a hurry to escape the fire.
The place empties in a matter of few minutes. I stand still, not flinching once, not as it comes closer, not as it reaches me, not as it covers me in it. I don't burn, it holds no effect on me.
I leave the arena. I led out a blood curdling scream. I let out all that i'd kept in, I gave into my heart, my feelings, I cried my heart out, pulling my knees to my chest, trying to divert my mind from naira, the girl the others, clutching the sharp part of the knife to feel anything but guilt. Nothing works, Their screams, their words play in my mind like a horror movie.
The tears stops, The heaviness lightens.
I sit in silence, the throne room colder than the flames. The photo of my mother and me rests in my lap. I trace her smile with bloodstained fingers. She would've told me I did the right thing. But I don't believe her anymore.
I used to be scared too. That was before I had to face their cruelty. Before I had to kill to survive.