This Ttito's in my wine glass has activated me to get some things off my chest. I've been asking myself the same questions over and over for the past week now "did you really just say f**k you?" For so long I have tried my hardest to please the people I care about even when it felt like it would kill me. I used to get told as a child that I was a people pleaser and that I need not be that way, well I understand why that wise woman consistently drilled that in my head. No matter what you do or say, your loyalty is not valued or reciprocated, everyone speaks their minds and continue in their moves while you….I bite my tongue to spare feelings and watch it when I walk to show respect but no more f**k that. I'm saying what I want to say, and people can't handle it and I'm doing what I'm doing what I WANT TO do, and I don't give a damn about anyone being offended. Laying here in my bed in complete disbelief at not only the people who's taken advantage of my heart but also at myself that I allowed it. My mind is so all over the place I wish I didn't have to work today but the rent is due next week so I might as well get up and get a move on it. I hated that my car got totaled so I now am carpooling with my friend sylvia until I can find time to go pull another off the lot. Work has been so jammed packed. Sylvia likes to be at work early, which means for me an entire hour early. What is life right now? I went to the closet and decided on something sensual but classy: a nude body suit blouse that hugged just enough and fell in all the right places and of course a black high waisted pencil skirt with just a peek of a split up the back, and nude glossy 5in pumps. I know right! I've learned that sometimes even when I feel shitty on the inside, I still can look damn good on the outside. Besides, I don't need people in my face asking questions that I really don't have the answers to. You know the moment you walk into a room the first thing people will holler is that my face is all crazy looking and sad because of some dude, sadly most of the time with us women that's true, ladies when we gone learn? I headed to the bathroom for my morning hygiene routine. For a long time, I stood in the full body mirror located in my bathroom fully naked admiring remarkable beauty, beauty that for so long I didn't see or at least couldn't find completely forgotten about. I smiled and dropped my head at the same time because I know that what I'm putting up with from people in my life I should never. Before turning away from the mirror, I looked at me and asked, "Who are you", a question that I needed to find an answer to but not just any answer just to acknowledge the question but the truth? Do I really know who I am to allow so much unnecessary pain into my life? I got my shower water ready and used the bathroom before stepping into the tub. I kept trying to lollygag because I really don't want to go into the office this early, but I really need every penny to get my car back. After getting off the toilet I finally stepped into the shower. I said my prayers while the water fell over me rinsing my skin while my soul still felt dirty with pain, betrayal, and a million questions. The people I've rocked with for so long are not the people I should have around me, and it hurts. I can't walk around feeling like this so I decided to pick my head up and enjoy my shower so I could clear my head for work. After my shower I called Sylvia and told her I would be catching the Metra to work this morning and thanked her and let her know I would see her when I got to work. She sounded a bit bummed, but she will be okay. I just really need some time to myself, you know lift my spirits without disruption. I just want to think about me and hear my own thoughts this morning. I don't need anybody else's problems distracting me from my mental self-care.