Lullaby
What started of as a bit of boredom fun four years ago turned into my most inner nightmare coming to life.
It was my twenty-sixth birthday. Cameron had bought me a set of black holographic tarot cards, along with multiple sets of spiritual healing incense. He knew just how much it gave me a sense of calmness
over the troubles my family had recently endured. My mind had become deeply intertwined with using spirituality to heal from the pain of Cameron's multiple suicide attempts
and the increasing tension within my adoptive family, however that's another story.
Unable to wait to use the tarot cards, it was all of five minutes before I had the incense lit, while placing the shimmering crystals, Obsidian for protection, and of course the beautiful purple
Amethyst for intuition beside me on the bed as I prayed to the angels for guidance and protection. Facing the cards upside down, I arranged them, getting used to the feeling, before I began to shuffle them
into a random order. What did I want to know? I thought to myself as I shuffled them back and fourth with ease.
"What do I need to know?" I asked out of curiosity, and to my surprise out popped The Fool. Asking for clarification on The Fool, the next card to come out was The Wheel Of Fortune.
Without having much knowledge on the cards, I connected The Fool to new beginnings, and The Wheel Of Fortune to luck being on my side if I am to go for this new beginning. I quickly remembered a silly conversation
with Cameron about how I should post my explicit photos on a site, Lullaby that he frequently visited. "What would happen if I were to post my pictures on Lullaby?" I ask the cards, hoping for the best outcome.
The Magician.
Excitement came over me as I drew more cards.
The Lovers. The Star.
"That's us" I tell Cameron, pointing at The Lovers. "It means we'll work at this together, it will be fun. There won't anyone who could ever come between us" I assure him. Cameron, intrigued to find out
what cards I would pull, replies "If you say so, Lizzie.. but it's just random, don't forget that" he laughs, but the smile doesn't reach his eyes.
While Cameron and I were alike in many ways, when it came to our hobbies., we couldn't be more different. Cameron, a keen realist, was a lover of science and fact.
The idea of something intangible, like tarot or spirituality, was as foreign to him as believing in gods or angels. You couldn't make him a believer of the supernatural, not if you'd tried.
But despite Cameron's deep skepticism, he never tried to defeat my beliefs with his rationality. He left me to explore my mystical fantasises, even if he didn't believe it was doing any good.
"Do you really want to post your pictures?" Cameron asks, trying to change the subject.
I think before replying, "Would you be okay with it?"
Looking unsure of what to say, he replies "Sure, if its what you want to do. I'd like to help take the pictures too, I'd be in my element"
A thrill rushed through me as Cameron agreed to let me post on Lullaby. Without missing a beat, we rummaged through my wardrobe to find the raciest lingerie I owned. Cameron ready and waiting with his phone in hand, his eyes tracking my every movement as I undressed. Tension filled the air as I posed in multiple ways, experimenting with each angle as I laid on our bed rolling around in a red see-through thong and no bra, making sure to cover my breasts, hoping
to leave much to the imagination. Cameron made sure to snap photo after photo, with clear enjoyment displayed on his face. Within a few minutes of posting our first picture on Lullaby, we had an interested
customer who was wanting to pay Pound 50 for 10 minutes on live cam. While this was happening all too fast, the intrigue, the attention and the promise of easy money became all to consuming as both
Cameron and I found ourselves agreeing to multiple people offering money and gift exchanges to see more.
We couldn't believe our luck as this became more proof to me just how correct the tarot cards were. The Magician, The Fool, The Wheel Of Fortune, it was all falling perfectly into place.
Although Cameron, would call it coincidence, luck and fate are not real, he'd say. But this had me questioning the magic of the universe.
I found myself turning to tarot more and more, needing the advice and reassurance, as the weeks became stressful as we began the process to relocate to a new location, away from the
darkness haunting Cameron in his mind in our current house in Paisley Close. Cameron, increasingly sure we were being watched via camera's inside the light fittings, would relentlessly
spend his days searching for clues and answers as he would drill holes into the walls, rip his clothing to find wires, and change our passwords on the internet fortnightly as nothing would come to light. He would soon be diagnosed
with Schizoaffective, which we had long been prepared for. It would become a heartbreaking journey to bear, having to watch Cameron go through the struggles as he comes to terms with his illness, something he would
later be doing for me. If this was four years ago, I'd have said this was fate, and we were twin flames, destined to experience these sequences together. But today, I don't see it that way. Now, it feels more sinister.
While Cameron's mind unravelled, our once close knitted relationship was also hanging on by a thread. He started to experience strange delusions which suggested I was against him, and there was nothing I could do except tirelessly
try to convince an ill mind that I was on his side. While we tried hard to keep control of our relationship, my mental health began to descend as I was struggling to come to terms with the suicide attempts and Cameron's disorder,
which led to us deciding to take a break, as luck clearly wasn't on our side anymore. This takes me to where I met a fascinating spiritual man from the United States, a year younger than me, whom I shall call, Mess.
Mess had came across my pictures on Lullaby and became a silent watcher, until one day choosing to message me. Mess, is what you would call
the perfect distraction at a time when I desperately needed one. He quickly became a friend, with our shared interest in the occult.
"Be care of spiritual people" Mess would warn me, "Some use their powers for bad, to manipulate the energy and bend things to their will, all without your consent" This warning would later prove to come to a chilling truth
as I would later regret meeting Mess entirely.
What started out as harmless fun quickly became entangled with something more darker, as my emotional distance with Cameron grew and my bond with Mess intensified. Cameron would spend his time with friends and family,
while I was isolated away from my own, having moved to Liverpool when I was just 18 from my home in London. The days were long as Cameron and I would barely communicate more than a few sentences a day to each other, however
we agreed that we would still live together for the happiness and normality of our son, Theodore. But also, because neither of us wanted to lose the connection and company we shared with each other. While Cameron
kept himself busy, I kept myself glued to my Lullaby account, as customers would come and go and I was left hoping to entice the next customer. While I was enjoying putting aside savings for a rainy day for my family with the
money earnt on Lullaby, I was becoming increasingly paranoid of being spotted in the community with my pictures as I was starting to gain more attention online. I was scared to bump into someone from Liverpool
who recognised me. It was a big city, but not that big.
And then came Mess. Whom I had spent months bouncing around ideas about the spiritual world and the occult with.
"I did a tarot spread on myself today" Mess messaged me, "It was about my shadow life. But what came as a surprise to me was when I drew The Lovers for my relationships"
tension filled the atmosphere as I stared at my screen, watching the three grey dots appear, the familiar signal that he was typing again. "Do you want to see my tattoo?" he asks
"Sure" I replied, to the amazement of the circular patterns, wrapping around each loop was now displayed across a toned, tanned stomach appearing on my phone screen.
"It's a Celtic Knot, a symbolism of the Tree Of Life and how everything is intertwined with each other. And how there is no beginning, and no end, just interconnection. Everything that happens is supposed to happen, and just
the mere fact we met was fated. Do you agree?"
I read it twice, then once more.
No beginning, no end. Everything is supposed to happen.
Do I agree?
"Yes, I do. I'm starting to believe everything that happens was meant to happen. But why? For what reason?"
"To teach us lessons" Mess replied.
To this day, I should have taken that as a warning. But I was too sucked into the delusions that my mind had created within the world of the occult.
Maybe I should had realised my sainty was spiraling when Mess suggested we meet, but not in person.
I laughed, Nervously. "Like a lucid dream?" I had asked Mess.
"No," he replied. "I've done it once before. We both just have to want it at the same time."
Was this man insane?
Or was I insane, to believe such a thing to be possible. "you're insane" the voice inside my mind reminds me.
"He lied. He wasn't your friend" It chanted like a mantra, cutting through the memory of Mess and pulling me violently back into the present.