Chapter Six:
Sometimes, when I let my mind wander, I imagine a life where I'm not just the caregiver, the caretaker, the second parent. I picture a life where I'm just a sibling. Where I can laugh freely without guilt, where I can make mistakes and not feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. A life where I don't have to constantly monitor everyone else's emotions, where I can step away from responsibilities and not feel like I'm neglecting someone or something.
I dream of a version of myself that gets to live - really live - instead of always surviving. I want to be able to feel the joy that other people my age seem to take for granted - the joy of being carefree, the joy of being able to be imperfect, of being allowed to feel and not just do. I want to experience the world without the constant worry of whether or not I've done enough, given enough, cared enough. Sometimes, it feels like I've given so much of myself, and in return, I don't even know what it feels like to have someone do that for me. I want to know what it's like to be taken care of, to have someone else pick up the pieces when I can't. I want to be able to lean on someone without feeling like I'm asking for too much.
But there's always this fear that creeps in - the fear that if I take a step back, if I let go of this role even for a moment, everything will come crashing down. If I stop trying so hard, if I stop keeping everything in place, who will hold it all together? My brother needs me. My parent depends on me. What happens if I fail? What happens if the little bit of control I've clung to slips through my fingers? It feels like the only thing I can control in this chaotic, overwhelming life is my ability to maintain the status quo. But what if the status quo isn't enough for me anymore?
The truth is, I'm scared. I'm scared of what might happen if I start demanding more for myself, if I start asking for the same care and attention that I've always given. I don't know what will change. I don't know how people will react. Will they see me as selfish? Will they accuse me of abandoning my responsibilities? Will I be seen as ungrateful for all that I've already done?
But deep down, I know something has to shift. I can't keep living like this - so buried in other people's lives that I've forgotten to live my own. And yet, there's this part of me that still hesitates, still wonders if I have the right to ask for anything at all. I've always been the one who handles everything. But what if, for once, I asked for the space to just be me?