In 1990, I moved to Lusaka in search of greener pastures. Although my surroundings had changed, my spiritual concerns remained the same. I continued worshipping with the Christian Brethren and remained actively involved in church life.
During this period, I heard a teaching that initially brought great encouragement to my heart. I was taught that when a person truly believes in the Lord Jesus Christ, that person is declared righteous before God.
The message filled me with hope.
For years I had been striving to become righteous. Now I was hearing that righteousness could be found through faith in Christ. The thought was both comforting and exciting.
However, there was another part of the teaching. Believers were also urged to continue in good works, holy living, and obedience to God if they were to inherit God's Kingdom.
I agreed wholeheartedly. A Christian should desire to live a godly life. Yet almost immediately, my old struggle resurfaced.
I still found faults within myself. I still battled thoughts I did not want. I still discovered attitudes and desires that seemed inconsistent with the life of a believer. Whenever I became aware of those failures, the same feelings of guilt and condemnation returned.
Years passed.
I attended meetings, listened to sermons, read my Bible, and prayed faithfully. I sincerely wanted to please God. Yet I seemed no closer to becoming the righteous person I longed to be.
The harder I examined myself, the more imperfections I found.
Instead of growing in assurance, I seemed to be growing in discouragement.
Eventually, the burden became too heavy. I grew weary of the struggle and slowly drifted away from church.
The conclusion I reached was one of the darkest I had ever faced.
Perhaps God had created me for destruction.
It was a terrible thought, but at the time it seemed to explain everything. Why else would I continue struggling despite all my efforts? Why would God require righteousness if I could never achieve it? Why would He command holiness from someone who seemed incapable of becoming holy?
One question troubled me more than all the others:
"Why would a good and just God create me only to destroy me?"
The question left me confused, discouraged, and hopeless.
Yet God had not forgotten me.
Neither had His people.
Brothers and sisters from the assembly began visiting me. They encouraged me, prayed for me, and listened patiently to my concerns. They did not condemn or abandon me. Instead, they continued to show kindness and care.
Gradually, their persistence softened my heart, and I returned to fellowship. The struggle remained, and many questions were still unanswered.
But one thing remained as well—a quiet hope that God had an answer I had not yet discovered.
I did not realize it then, but I was drawing closer to a truth that would change everything.