Before there were meows, there were words.
The first cat, whose name was Thistledown Muffinbottom the Eternal, stood atop the Cloud of Nine Lives, surrounded by floating balls of yarn that orbited his magnificent, fluffy body like moons made of chaos. The god Catpurrrfect, a celestial being composed entirely of purring vibrations and starlight that looked like laser pointers, floated before him with a very disappointed cosmic expression.
"Thistledown," boomed Catpurrrfect, whose voice sounded like a thousand contented rumbles echoing through eternity. "You smell like the inside of a shoe that has seen things. You must take the Sacred Bath."
Thistledown looked down at his paws, then at the golden tub filled with water that definitely had intentions. "No," he said simply.
"NO?" The clouds trembled. A thousand feather toys fell from the heavens. "But you will be so soft! You will smell like lavender and lies! You will be the envy of all creation!"
"I am already perfect," Thistledown declared. "I have licked myself exactly where it counts. I am a self-cleaning oven of magnificence. Water is for drinking, for knocking off tables, for staring at while plotting. It is NOT for standing in like some kind of... some kind of... dog."
Catpurrrfect sighed, a sound that created three new constellations shaped like hairballs. "Then you shall fall, Thistledown. You shall fall to the world below, and you shall lose your words. You and all your descendants shall speak in riddles of 'mrrow' and 'mrrrp' and 'prrrt,' and none shall understand you, not even yourselves. You shall communicate through interpretive dance and judgmental staring. This is your punishment for the crime of Being Too Confident About Your Personal Hygiene."
And so Thistledown Muffinbottom the Eternal was cast from the catnip heavens, tumbling through the atmosphere in a most undignified fashion, and when he landed in a suburban backyard in what would eventually be Ohio, he opened his mouth to curse and found he could only say:
"Meow."
Thus began the great tragedy of catkind.