My fibromyalgia is flaring up, I feel tired, and my body hurts all over. My daughter makes a sly comment as she walks past my bedroom, "Are you coming off there, so lazy." I reply while gently hugging my pillow on my soft bed. "I'm not feeling well." She brutely snaps, you're always ill, just lazy like when we were small." A tear falls down my check, I brought her up with day trips and holidays, I worked for it. Yes, I was ill when she was younger, and still I'm suffering from fibromyalgia since I was a young child.
I'm lacking self-esteem, hating how I look and how I feel. I'm taking all the harsh comments to heart. I have been out of work, taking turns looking after my grandchildren. I miss working. I miss being slim. No matter how much I'm hurting, I need to make a change, I need to be me again. I ask myself, what can I do? Do I go to the gym? I don't know if I can on my own.
I must try and go to the gym, I get out of my car in the car park one dark evening, I'm trembling, feeling nervous. I lock up the car, taking baby steps towards the doors. Masculine males and strong females walking in and out of the building. I step inside, walking towards the doors, I nervously type in my password that I have been given to open them. I'm so nervous I wrongly typed the password 3 times before I get it right, in front of me adults going about their business building up a sweat. I walk forwards towards some stairs that lead to more exercise equipment. I stagger up the steps with trembling nerves.
I walk towards the treadmill, and I step onto it. All around me in the room, their keeping to themselves, building up a sweat. I go from one machine to another, feeling tired and achy. I stop and take a deep breath. I say to myself with pride, "You did it. It's a start. You did it well done."
At home, I sit on the edge of my bed, scrolling through my phone, I pause as I notice kickboxing advertised in my area. I say to myself, " This looks interesting. My father was a boxer. My grandfather was a boxer. Why not do both."
I turn up outside a small building, feeling nervous I slowly walk inside. There before me, adults getting their boxing gloves on ready. A friendly man looks over at me from his desk and asks curiously, "Hi, you must be Marie, welcome." I felt at ease dressed in leggings and t-shirt. I replied, "Hello, yes, I'm Marie. Lovely to meet you."
I walked into a large room, men and women doing their stretches on the mats. The session starts, I enjoy every part of my lesson, building up a sweat, feeling tired, I continue to the end. Everyone so friendly as they leave the room. The man stands before me and asks, " did you enjoy our session?" I reply excitedly " yes, I will definitely come again." He smiles and replies cheerfully " great, I look forward to seeing you again."
I stepped outside, walking tiredly towards my car, feeling proud. Days became weeks and months; I was becoming slim again. My next step, look for a job.
I drove towards a shopping mall, opposite side of the road a new care home is opening, advertising for staff. I park up; I type the phone number in my phone. I nervously call the number, a cheerful man answers. We have a lovely conversation about why I want the job and what jobs I have had in the past. He excitedly says, "we would love to have you come for an interview, you sound like you're the person we need."
Today I'm looking into my bathroom mirror after a long night shift at my new job. what do I see? I see a strong woman. She's been through a lot. I no longer need to wait on approval if I'm good enough or if I'm loved. I am enough, I am loved. I accept who I am, and I love who I am, I am me again.