it’s not him it can’t be him they’re wrong they’ve got the wrong name or the wrong face or the wrong jacket they keep saying Sam but I just saw him just half an hour ago no more than that he left the house with tea still in the mug he didn’t even finish it he left the spoon in the sink it’s still there I should’ve cleaned it but I didn’t and now it’s still sitting there as if time hasn’t moved
they said brown jacket but Sam doesn’t even own a brown jacket not that I can remember he’s got that blue waterproof one the one with the fraying zip and Fred from down the road he’s the one with the brown jacket same height too same hair from the back maybe they saw him from behind maybe Fred was walking the same route maybe he was heading toward the shops and maybe Sam had already turned off maybe he went the other way he always cuts through the alleyway always he’s been doing that shortcut since he was twelve I don’t think he’s ever walked on that pavement not in years
they said he had ID on him but that doesn’t mean anything maybe it was the Tesco card with his name on it he lends things out sometimes he’s done it before he even joked about identity theft once he laughed and said if anything ever happened they’d probably pin it on him because he always leaves something behind
they said it was quick
they said he didn’t suffer
but I haven’t seen him how can I believe them if I haven’t seen him how do they know it’s him I need to see I need to go home I need to open the door and call up the stairs and hear him shout yeah what is it because he might still be there maybe he came back maybe he forgot his phone again he always does that he walks out the door then five minutes later it’s back in the hallway all over again maybe that’s what happened this time
I’m not thinking straight
I need to get back I need to check I need to just see the mug the shoes the light still on in his room something
and the thought keeps circling
Fred
of course it’s Fred
same build
same jacket
brown, hooded — Fred always wears that
he walks that route too doesn’t he
takes the same shortcut
the same side of the street
it was raining
maybe he had his hood up
they said they didn’t see his face
they said it was quick
they said there was nothing anyone could’ve done
so maybe
maybe it’s Fred
and before I even know I’m thinking it
I hear it
let it be Fred
and the shame hits instantly
like I’ve stepped outside my own skin
what the fuck is wrong with me
Fred, who helped with the guttering
Fred, who brought biscuits last Christmas
Fred, who lent me that bloody ladder when I wanted to do roofing work
and here I am
praying it’s him instead
what kind of father
what kind of human
even has that thought
but then it comes again
the panic is stronger than guilt
and I think
just not Sam
please
not Sam
just
anyone else
he’s been here too recently
his voice is still in the house
his tea is still warm
his smell is still on the stairs
he’s not gone
I haven’t had time
to let go
of anything
they keep saying Sam like it’s finished like it’s a line in a report and all I want is one reason to believe they’re wrong
let it be Fred
please please God let it be Fred
let it be Fred