As she sat by the window, she felt everything and nothing all at once.
Darkness had begun to overpower her thoughts. It was as though a hundred dark shadows lingered behind her, lurking in silence, waiting for her to make her next move.
When would she finally give in?
When would she plan her last meal?
When would she pick up that pen and write her final words?
When would she reach for the penknife?
When would she listen to her favourite song for the very last time?
And when would she give her best friend, her constant companion, the cutest cat in the entire world—at least in her eyes—one final kiss?
When would any of it happen?
Everything she touched, everything she said, every little thing she did felt as though it could be her last.
There she was, sitting by the window.
Still sitting in that very same spot.
With a cup of hot chocolate warming her hands.
Outside her bedroom door, she heard her name being called.
“Grandma.”
The familiar voice made her thoughts spiral.
What would Grandma feel if she ever discovered what she had been contemplating? What if she found out that her granddaughter had considered ending her own life?
The thought alone was unbearable.
She could not imagine leaving that kind of pain behind for someone she loved so deeply. She could not bear the thought of her grandmother having to live with unanswered questions, wondering whether there had been something she could have done differently.
And then, she imagined the tables turning.
What if Grandma were the one sitting by the window instead?
What if Grandma were the one drowning in her thoughts, fighting battles no one could see?
What if today were the day she decided she could no longer carry the weight of it all?
How would she feel?
The answer came almost immediately.
Broken.
Devastated.
Lost.
She realised that if she left this world, she would leave behind more than an empty space. She would leave behind a grandmother with a broken heart, a best friend searching for answers, and a little cat who would never understand why its favourite human had stopped coming home.
Another life would be gone.
And the lives of those left behind would be changed forever.
For a moment, she sat quietly, allowing the thought to settle.
She did not suddenly feel better. Her problems had not disappeared, and the darkness had not magically lifted. But somewhere beneath all that pain, a small part of her still recognised that there was something worth holding on to.
Perhaps she did not have the strength to face tomorrow just yet.
Perhaps she did not know how to put herself back together.
But she knew she did not want her story to end that day.
She took a slow breath.
Looked at the cup in her hands.
And whispered to herself,
“Not today.”
For now, that was enough.
Not a promise that everything would be okay overnight.
Not an answer to every question that haunted her.
Just one small decision to stay.
And sometimes, when life feels unbearably heavy, one small decision is where everything begins.