18th of Gremlin's Grin
Alright, where was I? Right, the spoon. The golden spoon, which I still don't understand but now apparently hold in the highest regard. If anyone had told me I'd be wielding a spoon like some kind of legendary artifact, I would've laughed in their face. And, if I'm honest, I'd probably still laugh if someone said it to my face.
So, there I was, trudging through another dark room - because apparently, the labyrinth has an endless supply of these - and I had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to do. The spoon? Just sitting in my belt like a cold, shiny mystery. Do I have to stab something with it? Does it open doors? Or, wait, is it supposed to find treasure for me? I mean, I wouldn't put it past the labyrinth to make a spoon the key to ultimate wealth or mystical secrets.
Suddenly, a voice boomed, so loud it felt like it was coming from within my skull.
"Klem, the Almost Hero! You are at the final stage of your journey!"
I froze.
What? Final stage? This can't be the final stage. I didn't even know what I was doing.
"You have traveled far, made absurd choices, and somehow - " the voice paused, as if laughing at me, ""somehow - " it continued, mockingly - "you have made it to the end."
"Okay, okay, I get it," I muttered under my breath, feeling embarrassed for even being involved in this chaotic nonsense.
The floor beneath me rumbled, and I could hear the sound of heavy stone grinding against stone.
Great, another trap.
"Klem, your challenge now is simple. You must defeat the Guardian of the Final Chamber!"
"Wait, what?"
Before I could even think, the wall to my right shuddered, and a gigantic figure stepped into the room. It was an overgrown ogre, wielding a massive club. The thing was huge, like, seriously big - like, the kind of big that makes you question your life choices. And by the looks of it, the ogre wasn't too thrilled to see me.
This was it. My moment of glory.
The battle of legends.
With a spoon.
I couldn't help but chuckle.
"Alright, Mr. Ogre. Let's do this. You want some of this?" I said, slapping the spoon on my palm like it was some kind of mighty weapon.
The ogre blinked.
It blinked again.
And then it started laughing.
I stood there, dumbfounded.
"What's so funny?"
The ogre wiped its eyes.
"That's your weapon?" it boomed. "You've gotta be kidding me."
The other creature, still laughing, raised its club, ready to strike.
I froze.
"No, no, wait! Listen, the spoon's magical! I swear it is!" I tried.
The ogre raised an eyebrow.
"Magical?" it repeated, still chuckling. "Do you seriously believe that, or are you just trying to avoid being squashed?"
I tried a different tactic.
"Look, I might not have a sword or axe or anything practical, but I've got something in me that you don't. A sense of ridiculousness!"
The ogre stopped mid-laugh, staring at me for a good few seconds.
"What... are you talking about?"
I pointed at the spoon.
"It's all I've got, alright? Just give me a minute. I'll figure it out!"
I held the spoon out in front of me and, for the first time, closed my eyes.
I started humming.
What?
"You better not be singing." The ogre sounded a little worried, but mostly annoyed.
"Oh, you don't know me," I muttered under my breath, "but I'm about to bring the most absurd spoon magic this world has ever seen."
With that, I slammed the spoon into the ground.
And, shockingly - absolutely shockingly - nothing happened.
I stood there, spoon still stuck in the ground, my heart pounding in my chest.
The ogre just stared at me like I was the world's biggest idiot.
I glanced back at the spoon.
"Well, that's awkward," I muttered.
I was already mentally preparing for the ogre to swat me like a fly. But just as I was about to give up, something strange happened.
The spoon glowed.
A golden light erupted from the ground and shot straight up into the air.
My jaw dropped.
"Holy crap."
The ogre, now frozen in terror, dropped its club.
It looked like it had seen a ghost.
The light intensified, and the spoon floated in front of me. I stared at it for a second, completely baffled.
It hovered there like some kind of tiny golden spaceship, spinning slowly in mid-air.
And then, for reasons I couldn't explain, it shot a beam straight at the ogre.
The ogre screamed.
"What in the world is this?!" it cried as it was enveloped in light.
I stood there, slack-jawed.
Was this really happening? Was my stupid spoon actually doing something useful?
In seconds, the ogre had been teleported out of the room, leaving only the echo of its bellowing roar behind.
And there I was, standing alone in the now-silent chamber.
I was flabbergasted.
"Okay... maybe I'm not entirely useless," I muttered to myself, still staring at the spoon, which had now stopped glowing and settled back into my hand.
"Well, that was easy," I said aloud.
And that was when it hit me.
That wasn't the end.
I had no idea what was next, but the labyrinth hadn't shown me everything yet. And considering I still had a magical spoon, I figured I'd better buckle up for whatever ridiculous adventure awaited me next.