That night, Saidh came back.
He was dressed in that familiar purple shirt tucked inside his blue jeans. His hair was floating in the air with the wind, and his eyes were shining under the sun and Ahaana saw the evening sky in his eyes. When they crinkled at the corners as he smiled Ahaana could only think,
Ah, my world truly resides within your eyes.
He was beaming at her, his heart overflowing with the stream of happiness (as he had once confessed to her on a night cherished inside the comfort of their room) and pride because now, she was truly his as he was hers.
Ahaana's hands reached out to touch him and he let her. Her palm grasped his jaw and her fingers caressed his skin but something was off. She knew what it was but she refused to accept it. She always did.
I love you. Till the end of time.
Ahaana closed her eyes and the wind blew in their direction. I will love you too Saidh. Forever and always.
Eyes opened with tears brimming over the edges, threatening to spill. Ahaana jumped out of bed and moved to the bag where she kept her things. She searched inside it and threw it back angrily. Suddenly she stopped and glanced at the jeans hanging down the hanger on her shelf. Her feet moved before she could think.
Ahaana searched inside the pockets and let out a relieved sigh at the sight of her cigarette packet. But once she opened it, her smile disappeared.
She grasped the packet and brought it near her forehead, and let out a choked noise. The choking sound soon became silent cries and she cried and cried until her heart couldn't take it anymore.
___________
Ahaana met Saidh at the Interschool football tournament in her senior year in high school. She was sitting in the bleachers with her friends when she felt thirsty for a drink, or perhaps something to set off the scorching heat budding up in her being. With that thought in mind, she had gone to the food counter to buy herself and her friend an ice cream.
She had brought her ice cream and was about to head back into her seat when a collective group of people started shouting. Curious, she turned around only to have someone bump into her aggressively. It was followed by the sound of something hitting the person and then falling onto the ground. She blinked, confused.
"Ah" the person spoke, sounding as if he was in pain. "That hurt."
But then he brushed his shoulders as if it would brush away the pain and continued walking as if it was nothing. Ahaana had never witnessed such an incident or a person before so she was meaningfully surprised.
Their first encounter never stayed in their minds but the second did, in Ahaana's mind atleast. They were in college- She in her first year and he in his senior year. It was another regular day in college during a department fest. A fight broke out suddenly. He was her senior who left quite an impression on her with his silent and calm demeanour. And that was it. Nothing more nothing less.
But then came the day of the election and everything changed for Ahaana. The sky was crying tears of joy waiting for the young lovers with their names written next to each other in the book of love to meet each other. She was standing in the college building, watching the party members and other students celebrate their victories and loss together with music and dance when she noticed him, noticed him for the first time. He was simply standing in the corner recording the whole incident on his phone, beaming at his friends and Ahaana felt it.
There was no skipping of heartbeats, there was no one letting out a zoo of butterflies in her stomach. Instead, the world became silent and she felt calm. So calm that all she could do was breathe.
Ahaana didn't know it that day, not when he disappeared into the crowd, not when he appeared later on the bus and passed by her, not when he boarded off his bus and didn't come the next day, that he, was going to be someone who was going to change Ahaana's life for the best and the worst.
Because that day, Ahaana fell in love with the calm and gentle wave called Saidh Mohammed.
___________
Time passed in a blink of an eye. Suddenly she was three weeks in the art course spending her lonesome time with Galen and his art tricks and tips. While communication was relatively hard between her and Galen, she found that it didn't bother her much and that she was willing to spare time for him to come up with words in the format of a text.
She also happened to meet his staff the very next day of attending the institution. Sini, as her name went, was a young lady in her mid-twenties with hair as dark as a stormy night on the beach side her locks falling over her back in gentle waves, eyes sharp as needle leaves and lips as red as cherry. Her skin glowed like a setting sun- warm and bronze.
When she smiled, it seemed as though the whole stars had aligned together- it was that bright. Ahaana found that it was easy to talk to her about matters. She was fun and vibrant. At some point, Galen even considered passing the opportunity to teach Ahaana over to Sini but after both of Ahaana's and Sini's relentless pursuit, he remained her one and only art teacher.
She also had the chance to meet Galen's students and the building's other tenants, some of whom she already knew.
It was now nearing the night, the sky was clouded and starting to darken. Stars could be seen so could be the moon. Ahaana hadn't stayed back this late in the institution before.
Sini had left early today because she needed to babysit her sister's son leaving only the two remaining in the big wide room.
Ahaana let a pleased smile take over her face at the sight of her finished work. "Galen!" She called out. Galen twirled around in his seat and glanced at her. He held a brush in his hands and his beautiful face was smudged with blue paint.
"How's this?" She asked, excitedly. Galen stood up from his seat and went over to her. He stood near her side and observed the painting with keen eyes.
"So, your thoughts?"
He peered down at her through his glasses and gave a nod of approval. Ahaana smiled back like a child and went back to stare at her creation. Staring back at her was the craft crafted with watercolours. A man and a child were sitting with their backs facing the viewer who had their head to shirt painted with blue Brush strokes. An added melancholic feeling in the painting set it apart from the others. Galen found it hard to express himself so he continued to observe the painting, drinking in its details.
He gulped. Oh dear. He couldn't help but think. He stole a glance at Ahaana and his gaze softened almost immediately.
"Now that it's complete-" she stretched in her seat and then bent down to get her bag. "-let me go get my daily dose of poison." She said, shaking the box of cigarettes at him.
Galen bit his lip and clenched his eyes shut. He picked up his mobile phone from his phone and started typing swiftly while she walked outside to smoke. She opened the packet and picked a cigarette from the middle. She let her lips wrap around the stick and searched inside her pant pockets for a lighter. She eventually found it and used it to light the stick.
You know smoking is injurious to health right?
Ahaana breathed out a puff of smoke. "I know. Which is why I am doing this." She mumbled the last part in Malayalam.
Galen sighed. "Do you know why I approached you on that day we first met asking you to make me one of your students?"
Galen shook his head no. "Your art style. It's similar to that of my husband's."
Galen slowly nodded. Seeing how awkward it became, Ahaana laughed. "He's a software engineer by job but an artist by soul. Your paintings reminded me of him so I just needed to learn it from you. For he will not teach me that at all."
"Since Valentine's Day is around the corner, let's share our love stories hmm? Ah-Forgive me for asking but do you even have one to say?" she asked, comically widening her eyes. Galen rolled his eyes.
Of course I have. What do you think of me?
Ahaana laughed. "So I'll go first. I met my husband when I was 18 and guess who fell first?"
Galen pointed a finger backwards. "No dummy. I did"
"I fell first. Don't ask me when or where, how or why. All I know is I did and I fell first and hard, diving into the steep edge of the cliff with no one to hold their hands up for me. I had my eyes shut in blind hope that maybe he would catch me somehow and he did. One day at last."
"I confessed first and spent my days fretting over his answer. And that idiot" she shook her head fondly, "he dared confess to me on the day he left the college. How could he?"
"But I should be glad that he did confess and we ended up together, right? It was a perfect fairytale ending." She ended quietly and took in a large gulp of smoke.
Galen slowly walked near her and stood close to her, typing something on his phone. He handed it over to her and took that chance to pull away the cigarette stick from her hand. Ahaana looked at him in shock but did nothing to stop him.
He gestured with his eyes to look down at the phone.
Want to hear my story?
"Is that even a question? Yes!"
Galen took that as a chance to let go of the burning cigarette and stomped on it.
He typed and Ahaana waited. Now the stars had become more prominent. Her phone buzzed in her hand and the screen displayed an incoming call from her mother. She picked it up.
"Hello? Ha amma. No nothing is wrong. I am still at the studio. Yeah. I'll be back before it becomes late, don't worry. Ha. Okay." She let down the phone. By that time, Galen had finished typing.
Ahaana extended her hand to him. He placed the phone to her hand and she read,
I had a girlfriend before I turned mute. She said she liked my paintings but didn't quite understand their meanings. One time I drew her portrait and she was…let's say surprised?
Ahaana laughed. "Well, why? Was your painting that beautiful?"
Galen shook his head, grinning, and typed his response. "No. She called it ugly."
Ahaana went silent. She tilted her head, confused, and asked, "Why? That's not possible. You are really good at copy-pasting real-life matters into art."
Galen simply shook his head.
Artists copy-paste things exactly as how they see them Ahaana. For them, beauty and ugliness lie in the soul of the creator. It's all a matter of perception.
Ahaana bobbed her head like she understood everything, making Galen chuckle. Galen typed,
You didn't understand a thing did you?
Ahaana grinned awkwardly. "I can't hide anything from you."
Galen smiled. Ahaana stared at him for a while and then spoke, "Galen," Galen nodded.
"How did you lose your voice?"
Galen stilled. But then with the same smile, he asked her, getting real personal, aren't we?
Ahaana immediately went on to her defence. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to!"
Galen stared at her. If you get to hear my answer, then I get to hear one from you as well. Do we have a deal?
"Tsk, playing fair aren't we?" she sighed. "Ohkay so only one question. I get a chance to avoid answering it as well."
Galen rolled his eyes but nodded nonetheless. He took back his phone from her and typed.
I met with an accident almost 2 years ago, before I came to Kerala. I was still in India. Was returning from teaching at a school when this car came rushing towards me. The driver apparently lost control of the steering. I didn't even have the chance to move. People say I was lucky to be even alive. Today I think of that day and think the same.
But me from those days didn't think the same, you see. He went into shock after losing his voice. Almost lost everyone I loved because I went into isolation almost immediately.
Tanaka, she, she was doing everything she could do to bring me back to myself. She was supportive in everything I did until it came to the point that I was hurting myself and she just couldn't stand seeing it. Naturally, she protested and I didn't take it well.
And our 10-year-old relationship ended just like that. There you go.
They both went silent for a while. It was broken by Ahaana who wordlessly returned the phone to Galen. "I- I don't know what to say."
Galen shook his head and typed. You don't have to say everything. It's all in the past now.
It's all in the past now.
Somehow those words irked her in a way she thought it wouldn't.
Now it's my turn. Promise me you won't be bad.
Ahaana laughed. "Okay, I won't be bad."
Galen sighed but the tips of his ears were getting red. But then his face turned serious and Ahaana felt a feeling creeping in and out of her chest.
Galen passed her his phone without taking his eyes off her. Ahaana's heart started beating a little faster, a little louder.
What exactly happened to your husband Ahaana?
Ahaana felt as if her whole world was collapsing. No. Nothing happened to Saidh. You know it's not true. What was he even saying? You know doing this won't change a thing.
Then she heard the voice- of an innocent child calling out while laughing,
Amma!
Suddenly she was back in her room in her home back in Kollam, standing near the door watching as Samreen laughed her heart out as her father relentlessly pestered her with tickles.
Saidh stopped, smiling down at his daughter who was struggling to breathe from laughing so much. Suddenly Samreen slapped her father's arm away with tears in her eyes.
"You are a bad appa! I hate you!"
"You don't."
"Ehem." Ahaana pretended to clear her throat. Saidh and Samreen looked up from the bed where they had made a mess of the sheets from playing around too much. Ahaana grinned.
"Amma! Appa tickled me so much! See, he made me cry!"
Ahaana gasped and widened her eyes comically at her husband. She rushed to her daughter's side and crouched down near the bed. Saidh looked down fondly at his wife and his child.
"You dared make my daughter cry? How bad of a father are you! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"Yes!"
"Ouch! Have you two turned against me?"
"Yes, we have." Saidh pushed her forehead with his fingers. Ahaana glared at him, the stare soon becoming devilish. "Say, Samreen, don't you think Appa needs to be punished?"
Samreen gaped at her mother and then giggled.
"Ah!" She screamed excitedly.
Saidh looked at both his wife and kid in amusement but that soon faded away and concern dawned in his eyes once he saw how deviously the two were approaching him. "Ahaana what are you doing?"
"Punishing you for making my daughter cry."
"Ahaana no-"
"Ahaana yes!" Saying that she jumped on him and started tickling him. Saidh laughed his heart out. Soon Samreen joined her mother's little punishment and Saidh was tired.
"Get off me! Ahaana I said get off me! You two-"
Ahaana jumped off the bed without a second thought with Samreen in her arms and started running with Saidh running after her. She squealed. What followed was tiny screams and shouts of fun and laughs.
Tears glided down Ahaana's cheeks in a gentle stream. Galen stared at her concerned and with pity in his eyes, as if he had already seen what she was holding back.
She immediately started to wipe away the tears but they kept on coming and Ahaana was frustrated. Galen reached out only to have Ahaana smacking away his hand. "Sorry." She said immediately, sounding as if she really meant it.
"Sorry about this, I just- I just need a moment."
Galen sighed and searched inside his pockets. He pulled out a flowery handkerchief from it and handed it to Ahaana. She looked down at it confused so Galen brought it to his eyes and made a motion of wiping down his fake tears. Ahaana, understanding what he meant, appreciated the gesture and accepted the handkerchief.
"I am really sorry about that. I don't know what came over me-" she sniffed. The tears continued to come but she did what she could to hold them back.
"As for your question, I can answer that.". Galen made a sign to not do it but Haana paid it no heed.
"He is dead. My husband, my Saidh, is dead."
She wiped down her tears angrily and spoke. She was shaking from head to toe, overwhelmed by the emotions sparring across her but even then she stood and stared right into his eyes.
"It all happened three months ago. We were returning from our trip to a friend's house. It was late at night and I don't know what exactly happened because somehow the car lost control and crashed into a tree on the roadside. I was sitting at the back so I survived but was unconscious for four days. Samreen, my daughter, always used to sit next to me on trips but she decided to sit with her father on that night and- My parents brought me back here because they think I will do something stupid like killing myself" she laughed, "God knows how many times I have considered doing that." a choked sound escaped her and she was falling onto the ground, crying, clutching her handkerchief to her chest.
"Saidh didn't even wait for me to see him. He left as soon as the crash happened- without me! How could he?! And Samreen! My poor daughter! My child! She didn't deserve this!" By now she was talking in Malayalam, pouring out her heart to the man who couldn't say a thing to calm her down, to soothe her bleeding heart despite understanding everything. Galen stood helplessly and before he knew it, he was crouching down, grasping her figure, letting her rest her head on his shoulder as she wept. He patted her back in an attempt to soothe her and it worked, to an extent.
He sighed and bit his lip.
That night slender hands traced stars in the milky way of caramel skin, soothing the burning skin with its watery coolness. lashes fluttered and glittered like swallowtails drinking in the flourishing warmth that chocolate trails offered. The sonder upon meeting the loose ends nowhere to be found, now replaced by the sombre haze of solitude. For a moment nothing existed except for them and that was enough.
It was fine. Galen thought. She will be fine.
___________
Ahaana returned to the institution the next day feeling awkward and distant. She kept fidgeting with her clothes and her fingers as if she couldn't tell what she was supposed to do with them.
Galen continued working on his painting without a single care in the world. He had greeted Ahaana in the morning like how he always did, with a brief smile and a nod- not a single trace of pity or difference in his eyes. Somehow it irked Ahaana more than she thought.
How could he act like nothing happened when she was standing here again after crying over her husband like that?
Sini had already declared the previous day that she would be late that day. She had to look after her niece since her mother had to attend her PSC exam. That left the two alone with two other students of Galen who were so skilled at this creative game that they needed no help from their teacher anymore. At this point, the institution was just a studio for them.
Galen stopped suddenly and stole a glance at her. Ahaana flinched.
Galen placed the paintbrush down and strolled over in her direction, but not before taking his phone from the tabletop. Why are you standing still over there like that? Don't you want to draw today?
Ahaana scratched the top of her head. "Not really." She admitted.
Galen's eyes lit up at her words. Great. Because I had something to show you. He extended a hand to her.
Ahaana stared at it for a few seconds before hesitantly accepting it. His hand was warm and so big compared to hers. Saidh's too were bigger than hers but they were not as slender as Galen's. They were thick, calloused hands which were used to hard labour. Galen's were soft, almost feminine.
He guided her to the room behind a closed door which was limited to Galen and Sini alone. She paused before the room and looked at Galen sceptically. But all Galen did was open the door and fumble around to find the light switch.
The lights flipped on and Ahaana blinked in an attempt to adjust to the sudden brightness. The room used the same palette as the main room- three yellow walls with drawings made on it and one white blank wall with framed pictures on it.
There were several easels and canvases in the room. They were all covered with sheer white fabrics bathed in dust.
Galen approached the easels one at a time and started removing the fabrics. They all revealed colourful paintings. One thing Ahaana noticed about them was that in all of them, there was a common presence- a smiling woman.
She was drawn in all styles Galen possessed, with the most beautiful colour palette known to men. She was smiling in all of them but they all were tinged with an air of melancholy. Like a photograph from the 90s, the paintings stood out.
But then she saw it. A painting that stood out from the rest. Ahaana frowned. Because in the painting, the woman was crying.
It was drawn with charcoal, with smudged pencil marks being the tear stains gliding down the cheeks. While all the others had a melancholic vibe to it, this one made her heart clench painfully.
It was different from every other painting by Galen. It, though beautiful, looked like an amateur's work. Perhaps it was Galen's very first work.
Galen stilled before it and looked at it with a strange look on his face. He reached out to it and gently brushed his hands against the canvas as if he were afraid a single touch would ruin everything.
"Why did you bring me here Galen?"
Galen breathed softly and passed her his phone which opened with just a single press of his finger. His eyes told what his voice couldn't.
Remember when I said you never walk alone? While it is the famous album's name, the words are true to its meaning. You are never alone, Ahaana. Even when you are grieving.
You don't have to be awkward around me. Because I can never judge you.
Sometimes you never stop grieving. And who knows it better than me?
Tanaka told me the portrait of her that I drew looked ugly, do you know why? Because that day she was grieving. Grieving for me. My voice that I lost. My future that I lost. Me who she lost. And I drew the grief in her.
But after I lost her, never did I draw her grieving, because how could I, when the memories that I treasured of her, the Tanaka I treasured the most, were never grieving?
One thing I learnt from my life is that while most people move on from their moment of grief, some people don't. They are stuck in time, forever repeating the moment inside their head, never letting go of the memories for they are afraid if they do, they'll lose them for real this time.
I know how you feel Ahaana. And that is fine. But if you lose yourself in the process, memories will die, you'll die. And nothing and no one can bring you back.
No one wants that to happen to you. Not Said, not Samreen. So, Ahaana, you can grieve with all your might but be fine at the same time.
If you let me, I can help you grieve in the right way. Will you allow me to help you?
Ahaana looked at him in wonder with tears in her eyes. Galen put both his hands in his pocket and slowly neared her, with a delicate smile on his lips.
Words from the previous day entered her mind and she flushed red with tears clouding her eyes again.
"To love or to not love is a choice. My choice was to love him,not just for today or tomorrow but for eternity. And I ought to stick to it, even though he can no longer love me like he did before."
Back in the main room where the fans were running at full speed, papers fluttered on the desk. One such paper fluttered and flew away to the side until it glided down the table to the floor. Where the paper once was, now remained a box with several cards stacked in it.
The rectangular card had Van Goh's Starry Night occupying most of it. Galen's name and Job were written in the leftmost corner in Serif font, adding to its elegant touch.
Galen Ryuu Takami
Art Director and Therapist
BBS
FIN-