I failed. Again.
I said I would stay away. I promised to stay away. I didn’t. I just wanted to touch his mind, one last time. Turns out, his ego was open to it, but his mind is all over the place. There is no room in his mind for me. It’s only in those passing moments, in the here and now, where he moves and breathes and makes silly jokes that he changes the air, and makes it easier for me to breathe. It’s when he’s not there, that kills me. Why is this so damn hard for me. I hate that I love him this much. The only thing he loves is the “game.”
He knows without knowing, exactly how to push all the right buttons without having to touch me. He never touched me; he didn’t need to. If he did, I won’t be able or willing to stop him. I want him, and he knows it, and that is the only thing he, loves. Not me, it was never about me. It was always, always, always, only about him. His needs, his struggles, his bleeding heart. I gravitate towards pain, struggle and darkness, because every inch of my being was designed to comfort, care, switch on the light, and stitch broken hearts back together until...
I won’t stop. I will never stop until your whole, until your happy, until you are the person, I believe you are and then... then you leave. You leave, whole, happy and full and I? Well then, I am alone, again. Don’t get me wrong. I love helping. I love giving. I love listening. The only problem is, that I started loving you too. You were different. You left, but you also came back. You kept coming back, but you didn’t ask for more help, you asked if you could help me. You didn’t ask for my time, you called me over and gave me your undivided attention. You didn’t tell me what you needed, you started taking care of me. I couldn’t understand it. I told myself, he’s just being nice, courteous, that’s all.
I convinced myself, that’s all it was because what else could it be? It wasn’t chemistry, it was energy. Not hot, not cold. Lukewarm almost best describes it. Just enough to break the fever before it starts making you sick. I burn for you, while you just like to play with fire. That’s just who you are. You love the risk, the adventure but, you love the Lord more. That’s what makes you loyal. That is what keeps you going home instead of going insane. You like the rush just as much as you like rushing. It never leaves you open to think, to feel, to be vulnerable. You hate that, and that is the only risk that intimidates you.
She’s a legend you said. She’s amazing you said. You are having another one that I believe will be just like her. The other mini version of you will be just as protective of her as you are of their mother. You are, a beautiful family. Your family portraits are the thing of magazines and fairytales. It doesn’t seem real, but I know it is. They are your world, the only reason why you worry a little sometimes. If it wasn’t for them, you really would be the captain of cloud 9, because that’s just your divine nature. You don’t bask in the misery this world idolizes. You know, there is a God.
You are this fake world’s most valued avenger. You want to fight to make things right, the only difference is, you can do it with a smile, making it look effortless even in the toughest of times. Your heart is always hungry, your spirit remains seeking, your mind is a mess but it doesn’t matter anymore, because I love you. There is no denying it, even though I am always fighting it. The only thing we actually have in common is that we both love the Lord more. We will never risk Him for us.
My family portraits aren’t as pretty, my face was never made for attention. People who stick around long enough to get to know me, fall in love with my heart, not my hips. My eyes tell the stories of a million tears, and my sense of humor remains uncategorized but I know how to calm a man down and ignite an unquenchable passion in him simultaneously. That’s my seductive secret power. Sadly, few ever get to see that side of me, because they get distracted easily. I am deep and dorky, sensual and silly, kind and kinky, romantic and a little bit crazy, but I will never be someone’s maybe.
I’m an all-in or all-out kind of woman anything in between leaves too much room for confusion, hence here I am trying to figure out my own fifty shades-of-grey-incapable-of-leaving-you-alone nightmares. I love my husband. I don’t care if you believe me or not, but I do. He makes it so easy because he just lets me be. I’ve never had to convince him to stick around because there is more to me than meets the eye. He just knew it and committed to giving me a lifetime of space to just be, while he just loves on me as much as humanly possible. God gave us a gorgeous girl. I don’t know what he was thinking because she’s a ballerina in boots mixed with a little rain and a hurricane all at once. She’s easy to love but hard to handle. I wouldn’t change her for anything or anyone. She is ours and we will not let her down.
God knows how hard this has been on me, Solomon writes about this in Proverbs 30:18-19, “There are four marvelous mysteries that are too amazing to unravel – who could fully explain them? The way an eagle flies in the sky, the way a snake glides on a boulder, the path of a ship as it passes through the sea, and the way a bridegroom falls in love with his bride.”
This comes from one of the wisest Biblical writers. This should comfort me a little you would think, and it does, but just a little. He knows and loves my heart, enjoys my body, and lets my mind run free. You see my heart and my spirit; understand the struggles I have with my body and love my mind. I hate running, but when my mind runs free, it always runs to those moments with you. I never get tired of thinking about you. It's exhausting. You understand what writing does for me, that’s why you closed the door and left me to it when you saw it written all over my face. Shame.
This was never a game for me. Growing in love with you happened so naturally. Now, the old way I used to love my husband feels totally unnatural to me. The only affair that is actually happening is between my head and my heart, which shouldn’t be a problem seeing that they both belong to me. If you knew me, you would know that this is the worst kind. To the outside world my life looks like a social media post, filters and all, but on the inside is where the real action is. On the inside lives true passion, raw emotion, daring desire, and flawed faith, and this is where you are. On the outside, I play house with him, on the inside I build kingdoms with you. On the outside I’m a wife, on the inside I’m a queen.
Hell has no fury like a woman scorned. You never scorned me, you never even judged me. My beauty for ashes remains a consuming fire. You are the thorn in my flesh, the itch I won’t dare to scratch. I can live with the pain, but I can’t live without you, not yet, not ever. All that remains are these chains. Chains of dreams that can never come true. Chains of a story that will never end with the words “and they lived happily ever after for me and you.” This has to be a re-write and I can’t do it. I have to give the pen back to the one we can both trust with the perfect ending.
An ending none of us could have ever imagined. I have to give the pen back to God. This is not a tale of a damsel in distress and a handsome prince coming to her rescue. These are two whole families with histories, futures, and memories. God preserve our families, by restoring our friendships in Christ. We were friends first. Let our friendship last, not our lust. I am sorry, but I don’t want to stop loving you, I just want to re-learn how to love you the right way. God-helping, I will be your trusted friend again.
I said I would stay away. I promised to stay away. I didn’t. I just wanted to touch his mind, one last time. Turns out, his ego was open to it, but his mind is all over the place. There is no room in his mind for me. It’s only in those passing moments, in the here and now, where he moves and breathes and makes silly jokes that he changes the air, and makes it easier for me to breathe. It’s when he’s not there, that kills me. Why is this so damn hard for me. I hate that I love him this much. The only thing he loves is the “game.”
He knows without knowing, exactly how to push all the right buttons without having to touch me. He never touched me; he didn’t need to. If he did, I won’t be able or willing to stop him. I want him, and he knows it, and that is the only thing he, loves. Not me, it was never about me. It was always, always, always, only about him. His needs, his struggles, his bleeding heart. I gravitate towards pain, struggle and darkness, because every inch of my being was designed to comfort, care, switch on the light, and stitch broken hearts back together until...
I won’t stop. I will never stop until your whole, until your happy, until you are the person, I believe you are and then... then you leave. You leave, whole, happy and full and I? Well then, I am alone, again. Don’t get me wrong. I love helping. I love giving. I love listening. The only problem is, that I started loving you too. You were different. You left, but you also came back. You kept coming back, but you didn’t ask for more help, you asked if you could help me. You didn’t ask for my time, you called me over and gave me your undivided attention. You didn’t tell me what you needed, you started taking care of me. I couldn’t understand it. I told myself, he’s just being nice, courteous, that’s all.
I convinced myself, that’s all it was because what else could it be? It wasn’t chemistry, it was energy. Not hot, not cold. Lukewarm almost best describes it. Just enough to break the fever before it starts making you sick. I burn for you, while you just like to play with fire. That’s just who you are. You love the risk, the adventure but, you love the Lord more. That’s what makes you loyal. That is what keeps you going home instead of going insane. You like the rush just as much as you like rushing. It never leaves you open to think, to feel, to be vulnerable. You hate that, and that is the only risk that intimidates you.
She’s a legend you said. She’s amazing you said. You are having another one that I believe will be just like her. The other mini version of you will be just as protective of her as you are of their mother. You are, a beautiful family. Your family portraits are the thing of magazines and fairytales. It doesn’t seem real, but I know it is. They are your world, the only reason why you worry a little sometimes. If it wasn’t for them, you really would be the captain of cloud 9, because that’s just your divine nature. You don’t bask in the misery this world idolizes. You know, there is a God.
You are this fake world’s most valued avenger. You want to fight to make things right, the only difference is, you can do it with a smile, making it look effortless even in the toughest of times. Your heart is always hungry, your spirit remains seeking, your mind is a mess but it doesn’t matter anymore, because I love you. There is no denying it, even though I am always fighting it. The only thing we actually have in common is that we both love the Lord more. We will never risk Him for us.
My family portraits aren’t as pretty, my face was never made for attention. People who stick around long enough to get to know me, fall in love with my heart, not my hips. My eyes tell the stories of a million tears, and my sense of humor remains uncategorized but I know how to calm a man down and ignite an unquenchable passion in him simultaneously. That’s my seductive secret power. Sadly, few ever get to see that side of me, because they get distracted easily. I am deep and dorky, sensual and silly, kind and kinky, romantic and a little bit crazy, but I will never be someone’s maybe.
I’m an all-in or all-out kind of woman anything in between leaves too much room for confusion, hence here I am trying to figure out my own fifty shades-of-grey-incapable-of-leaving-you-alone nightmares. I love my husband. I don’t care if you believe me or not, but I do. He makes it so easy because he just lets me be. I’ve never had to convince him to stick around because there is more to me than meets the eye. He just knew it and committed to giving me a lifetime of space to just be, while he just loves on me as much as humanly possible. God gave us a gorgeous girl. I don’t know what he was thinking because she’s a ballerina in boots mixed with a little rain and a hurricane all at once. She’s easy to love but hard to handle. I wouldn’t change her for anything or anyone. She is ours and we will not let her down.
God knows how hard this has been on me, Solomon writes about this in Proverbs 30:18-19, “There are four marvelous mysteries that are too amazing to unravel – who could fully explain them? The way an eagle flies in the sky, the way a snake glides on a boulder, the path of a ship as it passes through the sea, and the way a bridegroom falls in love with his bride.”
This comes from one of the wisest Biblical writers. This should comfort me a little you would think, and it does, but just a little. He knows and loves my heart, enjoys my body, and lets my mind run free. You see my heart and my spirit; understand the struggles I have with my body and love my mind. I hate running, but when my mind runs free, it always runs to those moments with you. I never get tired of thinking about you. It's exhausting. You understand what writing does for me, that’s why you closed the door and left me to it when you saw it written all over my face. Shame.
This was never a game for me. Growing in love with you happened so naturally. Now, the old way I used to love my husband feels totally unnatural to me. The only affair that is actually happening is between my head and my heart, which shouldn’t be a problem seeing that they both belong to me. If you knew me, you would know that this is the worst kind. To the outside world my life looks like a social media post, filters and all, but on the inside is where the real action is. On the inside lives true passion, raw emotion, daring desire, and flawed faith, and this is where you are. On the outside, I play house with him, on the inside I build kingdoms with you. On the outside I’m a wife, on the inside I’m a queen.
Hell has no fury like a woman scorned. You never scorned me, you never even judged me. My beauty for ashes remains a consuming fire. You are the thorn in my flesh, the itch I won’t dare to scratch. I can live with the pain, but I can’t live without you, not yet, not ever. All that remains are these chains. Chains of dreams that can never come true. Chains of a story that will never end with the words “and they lived happily ever after for me and you.” This has to be a re-write and I can’t do it. I have to give the pen back to the one we can both trust with the perfect ending.
An ending none of us could have ever imagined. I have to give the pen back to God. This is not a tale of a damsel in distress and a handsome prince coming to her rescue. These are two whole families with histories, futures, and memories. God preserve our families, by restoring our friendships in Christ. We were friends first. Let our friendship last, not our lust. I am sorry, but I don’t want to stop loving you, I just want to re-learn how to love you the right way. God-helping, I will be your trusted friend again.
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