Finding unconditional love and direction amidst the uncertainty of life.
I never had a boyfriend. Most guys don't find me attractive..Growing up, I was always being bullied so I suffered from low self esteem. I was scared of liking someone and not liking me back. And it didn't really occurred to me that someone would actually like me. I was always the friend of the pretty girl in class. I was shy, introvert, awkward and looked like a freak or weirdo..At first, I was fine with not having a special someone. I was living within my comfort zone but as the years went by, I felt lonely and unwanted.
Still it's not a surprise to me that even after I graduated from the University, I still don't have a love life. I was told to pray hard for it. So, I did.. With my made up lists of the qualities that I like in a guy, I prayed time and time again. At first, it was a long list. But as the years went by, my list got shorter and shorter.
In 2019, I met my future husband. Few days after
we 've met he asked me out. We went on for another 2 more dates when he asked me to be his girlfriend..I was ecstatic! I couldn't believe it. Of course,I immediately said yes! I was attracted to him ( and still do ) but I was feeling a bit desperate. I was 29. At that time everyone have their own family, kids and here I was still single!. Friends and families would always asked me, "Why am I still single?"
I succumbed to the pressure from everyone including myself.
Allow me to briefly describe us..We have opposite personalities. I am an introvert. He is an extrovert. I like to be by myself and I'm comfortable with that. I like to stay at home. He loves going out and doing outdoor activities mostly. I tend to be shy to people I am not familiar with and have a hard time opening up to others. He's outspoken, witty and friends with almost everyone.I like writing and drawing. Quiet place. While he's into band, music, playing musical instruments and loud gatherings.
People said that opposite attracts. There's no doubt that there's physical attraction but we have toxic personalities and not so perfect upbringing. That's when the chaos and conflicts started. just over a month after we became boyfriend/girlfriend, we got married!.. Everyone thought we were crazy! We felt it was us against the world. So I guess that drove us more than ever to pushed through with our crazy plan.
Nothing is going to stop us. So when we did marry, we held a simple celebration attended by family and friends. Living together we discovered alot of things from each other. I was naive in love and life. I did not know how to handle a relationship because I was not experienced. I had alot of "expectations". I created this illusion of what marriage is like. I thought that it's always exciting,never a dull moment. I thought it's supposed to be friendship in a marriage..
I was wrong because reality versus expectations, it was not what I've envisioned..I became frustrated when these were not met. Usually it will start on small things and eventually becomes bigger until it's overwhelming. I thought," Am I not enough?".
In those times, it became a blaming game for me..I never thought that it was my fault. I became self righteous, judgmental and mean. I was always ready to point fingers to my husband because of his shortcomings in our relationship that I failed to simply looked at myself harder. Four of my fingers were pointing straight back at me. I did not want to accept defeat. I do not like to look weak. I was full of pride and arrogance. My husband wasn't perfect. He was no saint. But so am I. .
I was carried away by my illusion that when things weren't what I've envisioned, I failed to accept the truth. I forgot about my vows. While that was going on still I did not want a failed marriage. I don't want to become the laughing stock because everyone else's marriage seemed happy and secure. So I mastered the act of pretending. In front of everyone, I pretended I had a stable marriage and happy life.
As years went by, my marriage became strained. We became distant from each other. We still lived on the same roof but there were little interaction to none at all. We were like strangers. Sexual Intimacy became less to none. I think at that time we were both willing and ready to give up the marriage.
When we had our eldest child, we shifted our priority to being parents and did nothing to save the marriage. Having a child became our reason to hold on to our marriage. We don't want our daughter to grow up in a broken family so we pushed through the relationship..It was difficult. The sleepless nights and failing marriage became frustrating and stressful. I did not know who to talk to so I kept everything to myself. I was scared to open up because I don't want my marriage to be the topic of everyone's gossip. At that time, my husband doesn't have a care in the world other than living a life like he was still young and single. He was always out with his drinking buddies. He wasn't responsible. He became more open to his unfaithfulness. We were both consumed with the worldliness in our lives.
In 2017, we moved to another city. It was one of the most difficult phase in our lives. By then we had two kids, seven years old and two months old. My husband retired from work. He was heavily in debt and very careless in handling his money that he did not have a single centavo in his own pockets after his retirement. I don't have work or any business though we tried that but it didn't succeed. We were broke.
During these times, my husband's family weren't happy with our presence. They blamed us for bringing our marital issues within their household. My side of the family weren't that supportive as well..So it was the start of another hardship.
It felt like a spiral of unending negativity. It was a cycle of betrayal, rejection, resentment and anger. Those were one of the dark moments in our lives. My husband tried looking for ANY job but he was not successful. It was either he's overqualified or under qualified for the position.
I thought that this was like a punishment from God. I did not understand His plans. But it was also this time that we met those amazing and good hearted Christians. They helped us with our needs. Slowly, we learned about how to have a real connection and personal relationship with God.
I was born and raised to a Catholic family. So I do believe that there is a God, our Creator. But I don't really know Him on a personal level .I did not like to pray. At first I thought that the most important aspect in life is not spiritual. I thought that if you have lots of money, you're happy and contented. You can have everything and do anything. Money gives a person certain power and influence. So I was focused on how to have these material things and financial resources that I failed to give importance to my spiritual life. My life was like 99% worldliness, 1% godliness and that 1% is not even consistent.. Focus on the world and not on God that's what I thought my life should be spent.
We were introduced to the world of Christianity. We were baptized. But even as Christians life still weren't easy. But what makes everything okay is the knowledge that I can trust and depend on God and He will make things right. Now I know that what is lacking in our marriage is not the material and financial resources..it's not love from your partner because that is conditional but the love and presence of Someone greater than our problems. And that Someone can do anything and all things. I realized that He allowed all these things to happen in order to stripped us from our pride and humble ourselves.
When we made Jesus the center of our lives, we knew He was The One lacking from our marriage. We needed Him. It became clear. It became joyful. It became peaceful whatever our situation maybe. We depend now to God and trust Him and Him only. Most people may not understand what I am talking about but if and only if you let Jesus into your life..into your marriage..into your work you will experience His goodness, overflowing mercy, unconditional love and wonderful grace. I am thankful to God that we are still together. Indeed, God's love conquered all!
I never had a boyfriend. Most guys don't find me attractive..Growing up, I was always being bullied so I suffered from low self esteem. I was scared of liking someone and not liking me back. And it didn't really occurred to me that someone would actually like me. I was always the friend of the pretty girl in class. I was shy, introvert, awkward and looked like a freak or weirdo..At first, I was fine with not having a special someone. I was living within my comfort zone but as the years went by, I felt lonely and unwanted.
Still it's not a surprise to me that even after I graduated from the University, I still don't have a love life. I was told to pray hard for it. So, I did.. With my made up lists of the qualities that I like in a guy, I prayed time and time again. At first, it was a long list. But as the years went by, my list got shorter and shorter.
In 2019, I met my future husband. Few days after
we 've met he asked me out. We went on for another 2 more dates when he asked me to be his girlfriend..I was ecstatic! I couldn't believe it. Of course,I immediately said yes! I was attracted to him ( and still do ) but I was feeling a bit desperate. I was 29. At that time everyone have their own family, kids and here I was still single!. Friends and families would always asked me, "Why am I still single?"
I succumbed to the pressure from everyone including myself.
Allow me to briefly describe us..We have opposite personalities. I am an introvert. He is an extrovert. I like to be by myself and I'm comfortable with that. I like to stay at home. He loves going out and doing outdoor activities mostly. I tend to be shy to people I am not familiar with and have a hard time opening up to others. He's outspoken, witty and friends with almost everyone.I like writing and drawing. Quiet place. While he's into band, music, playing musical instruments and loud gatherings.
People said that opposite attracts. There's no doubt that there's physical attraction but we have toxic personalities and not so perfect upbringing. That's when the chaos and conflicts started. just over a month after we became boyfriend/girlfriend, we got married!.. Everyone thought we were crazy! We felt it was us against the world. So I guess that drove us more than ever to pushed through with our crazy plan.
Nothing is going to stop us. So when we did marry, we held a simple celebration attended by family and friends. Living together we discovered alot of things from each other. I was naive in love and life. I did not know how to handle a relationship because I was not experienced. I had alot of "expectations". I created this illusion of what marriage is like. I thought that it's always exciting,never a dull moment. I thought it's supposed to be friendship in a marriage..
I was wrong because reality versus expectations, it was not what I've envisioned..I became frustrated when these were not met. Usually it will start on small things and eventually becomes bigger until it's overwhelming. I thought," Am I not enough?".
In those times, it became a blaming game for me..I never thought that it was my fault. I became self righteous, judgmental and mean. I was always ready to point fingers to my husband because of his shortcomings in our relationship that I failed to simply looked at myself harder. Four of my fingers were pointing straight back at me. I did not want to accept defeat. I do not like to look weak. I was full of pride and arrogance. My husband wasn't perfect. He was no saint. But so am I. .
I was carried away by my illusion that when things weren't what I've envisioned, I failed to accept the truth. I forgot about my vows. While that was going on still I did not want a failed marriage. I don't want to become the laughing stock because everyone else's marriage seemed happy and secure. So I mastered the act of pretending. In front of everyone, I pretended I had a stable marriage and happy life.
As years went by, my marriage became strained. We became distant from each other. We still lived on the same roof but there were little interaction to none at all. We were like strangers. Sexual Intimacy became less to none. I think at that time we were both willing and ready to give up the marriage.
When we had our eldest child, we shifted our priority to being parents and did nothing to save the marriage. Having a child became our reason to hold on to our marriage. We don't want our daughter to grow up in a broken family so we pushed through the relationship..It was difficult. The sleepless nights and failing marriage became frustrating and stressful. I did not know who to talk to so I kept everything to myself. I was scared to open up because I don't want my marriage to be the topic of everyone's gossip. At that time, my husband doesn't have a care in the world other than living a life like he was still young and single. He was always out with his drinking buddies. He wasn't responsible. He became more open to his unfaithfulness. We were both consumed with the worldliness in our lives.
In 2017, we moved to another city. It was one of the most difficult phase in our lives. By then we had two kids, seven years old and two months old. My husband retired from work. He was heavily in debt and very careless in handling his money that he did not have a single centavo in his own pockets after his retirement. I don't have work or any business though we tried that but it didn't succeed. We were broke.
During these times, my husband's family weren't happy with our presence. They blamed us for bringing our marital issues within their household. My side of the family weren't that supportive as well..So it was the start of another hardship.
It felt like a spiral of unending negativity. It was a cycle of betrayal, rejection, resentment and anger. Those were one of the dark moments in our lives. My husband tried looking for ANY job but he was not successful. It was either he's overqualified or under qualified for the position.
I thought that this was like a punishment from God. I did not understand His plans. But it was also this time that we met those amazing and good hearted Christians. They helped us with our needs. Slowly, we learned about how to have a real connection and personal relationship with God.
I was born and raised to a Catholic family. So I do believe that there is a God, our Creator. But I don't really know Him on a personal level .I did not like to pray. At first I thought that the most important aspect in life is not spiritual. I thought that if you have lots of money, you're happy and contented. You can have everything and do anything. Money gives a person certain power and influence. So I was focused on how to have these material things and financial resources that I failed to give importance to my spiritual life. My life was like 99% worldliness, 1% godliness and that 1% is not even consistent.. Focus on the world and not on God that's what I thought my life should be spent.
We were introduced to the world of Christianity. We were baptized. But even as Christians life still weren't easy. But what makes everything okay is the knowledge that I can trust and depend on God and He will make things right. Now I know that what is lacking in our marriage is not the material and financial resources..it's not love from your partner because that is conditional but the love and presence of Someone greater than our problems. And that Someone can do anything and all things. I realized that He allowed all these things to happen in order to stripped us from our pride and humble ourselves.
When we made Jesus the center of our lives, we knew He was The One lacking from our marriage. We needed Him. It became clear. It became joyful. It became peaceful whatever our situation maybe. We depend now to God and trust Him and Him only. Most people may not understand what I am talking about but if and only if you let Jesus into your life..into your marriage..into your work you will experience His goodness, overflowing mercy, unconditional love and wonderful grace. I am thankful to God that we are still together. Indeed, God's love conquered all!
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