The Woman Who Consumed My Life

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November 25th 2017  |  1  |  Category: Drama , Fiction , Romantic Love  |  Author: Nandar  |  52 views

Oh..woman…my woman…oh, my woman!!
Look at her… my graveyard is wet because of her tears. Her eyes are watery. It is the last thing I want to see in this world. She is crying….. and nobody is with her. Please, baby, don’t cry for me. Please don’t… I beg you. I know you never wanted me to die…..!
“ Shaaaaahiddddd, come back to me. I am sorry…. I have always loved you. Please, come back!!!!” she cried.
I love you, too even when my body is dead. And Noo…please… Noo.. do not apologize, at least, not to me. You are always forgiven. In fact, it is not your fault that I committed suicide. I died because I deserved it. It is raining… Oh…no… the rain is over you. My baby, please go home… keep yourself warm. I am worried about you. I wish I could burn myself now to keep you warm but I can’t. I am dead. I ceased to exist. I couldn’t feel her warm hugs anymore although I really want to. I died because of coldness. Oh, woman… my woman…oh my woman…
She is the woman that every man is dying to have. Let me describe her but promise me that you won’t fall in love with her. Can you? Okay… Her face is an oval shape with one mold on her left cheek. Her lips are so thin and romantically pink that every time we kiss, it loses inside my mouth as a candy melt. Her short hair always looks messy but cute. Of course, she is not taller than me. If she was, she wouldn’t like me at all. Her body shape? Uh! Do you know Priyanka Chopra? Exactly like hers. I am not kidding at all. We always compete with each other skin texture because she doesn’t like to be called “tanned skin” girl. Some part of her skin is tan for sure but not. You know what I mean? Lol.. You nasty! She wears black color every day of her life. She has eyes that are so beautiful and speak a thousand words. Her voice….. her voice…is a melody for me. I fell in love with her voice. Every time she speaks, I get goose pump and still do. The most attractive about her is her personality that everyone talks about. She is so genuinely herself. So real. I have never met a woman like her before. Also, she is the first woman who had ever proposed me in my entire life. How did she do that? I don’t know… she just does. She is magical and real at the same time.
Confident, outspoken, smart, and beautiful are words that people use to describe this woman. This woman with whom I am so in love yet jealous of all time. What is it about this woman that I so crazy am about? Eff about me! Why everyone I know compliments her whole existence? I have answers to the question but I pretend like I don’t because that way I feel better. I like to live life in confusion. Sometimes, it is better to be confused than to know about something clearly. Although my entire life is spent in confusion, there is one thing I am so sure and clear about: it is that I love this woman. I love this woman who burns my chest with jealousy, confusion, doubts, and insecure. Why?
With so much proud, “She is my girlfriend”, I would often tell some of my friends. I swear to God, all of them think that it is a joke. Some of them would react “ Haha…Bro, don’t dream with your open eyes. A girl like her would never want you in her life. Not even for a day.” They are right! I used to believe the same. I have always envied and admired her secretly. I never told anyone about that because I felt so ashamed to admit that I admire someone I don’t deserve. But I am not lying when I say she is my girl because she is. She proposed me and it took me a month to realize that it is not a dream but real. I still remember when she said
“Sahid, I like you, a lot. Let’s go out for a dinner. My treat.”
During that dinner, I so wanted to tell her “ Marry me, please” but I was so scared to say that. Her lips were introduced to my lips after the dinner. I did not want her to stop it but I was so nervous to continue it as well. The lips of the woman I admire the most are over my lips. I did not have a word to describe the happiness I felt because I have never felt that way before. I felt so undeserved. I felt so undeserved to be kissed by this woman.

I am not a good looking guy. Actually, I am considered myself as a scary, alcoholic, unintelligent guy. I am opposite of what she is. I have a real oval shape which is thinner than hers. The shape of my nose is ugly…and big. I don’t like it. Oh, by the way, did I not tell you that her nose is so beautifully shaped. I kiss it every time we meet because I love it. My eyes, well… she always says, she adores two things about me the most, my eyes and my laughter. I don’t find it attractive. Being the alcoholic I am, normally my eyes often look sleepy. I can agree that my eyelashes are actually longer than hers just like my height. I weight slightly more than her. My lips are typically horny guy’s lips. Nobody has ever complimented my lips yet. So, I will let you know when they do. Oh, another fun fact, her eyes brow are thinner than mine and she is not satisfied with it. I love it when she gets mad at smallest things like that. I enjoy the look she gives whenever she is unsatisfied. I squeeze her with my big hugs. She said she loves it when I do that.

It is unbelievable when two entirely different people are so in love with each other. I am worried that she is making the wrong decision by choosing an asshole like me. What am I?
My entire life is a failure. I have never accomplished anything in life. Not a thing. I am overly dependent on my parent’s income. I don’t seem to have to worry about anything at all. I don’t know why my parents never let me do things I want and force me to do things they want me to do. I never quite understood that and I still don’t. Maybe, I am an asshole who needs to be told what to do in life. I never really question them. So, I did everything that they asked me to do and here I am with failures. They expected me to be a doctor because it used to be a trend.

I was admitted to a medical school but was kicked after two years because of the failed attendant. I developed a new phobia during my two years at medical college which is hemophobia. I was so scared of even looking at the blood in the laboratory. Next goal my parent set up for me was to become a lawyer. As usual, I followed their guidelines. I followed them not because I was a good son. I never was. As I started my college life, I established drinking habit- a really heavy drinking habit. None of my family members had had the history of drinking, at least, not that I know. I was a good, smart, and obedient child outside and a spoiled child who does everything he wants inside. That’s right. I did everything I wanted without letting go of anything my parent wanted. I was good at playing the game. I never said no to my parents’ wishes and did I never do what I desired. I drink, smoke, go whenever I wanted, and flirt with everyone I wanted until I met this woman.

Before I met her, all I care was about myself and me. Now? She is the only woman on this earth that I talk except I talk to my mother sometimes. I hope you can imagine the strong feelings I have for her. If today was the last day of my life, I would want to spend my whole day holding and cuddling with this woman and do nothing else. That’s how much I value. I don’t know what but there is something about her that drives me insane. I can’t stand when my friends talk about her. I want to be the only person in the room to talk about her. I like talking about her but not hearing about her from others. Yes, I am that selfish-so selfish that I want to own her. It is such a stupid fantasy, isn’t it? I don’t even own myself. My life is in the hands of my parents and I can’t even publicly decide what I want to do. How do I own this outstanding woman who owns herself? Impossible…. but I want to make this impossible, possible. That’s what I like.

One day, I woke up from a very bad dream. A dream in which I lost her. I could not bear the intensity that I gained from that nightmare. I decided to propose her for marriage. I wanted to marry this woman. I so wanted to. Without any hesitation, I called her to meet me. She said yes. I was happy because otherwise, she is a very busy person. “ I am so lucky,” I said to myself.
We had dinner together and she said she wanted to go to a beach and relax for a little while. So, I drove her there. We arrived at the beach. The air was touching her skin so intensely. Damn… I am jealous of the air as well! She was running towards the beach while spreading her two arms. I was staring at her back.

She was wearing a dark red dress. It was very unusual and she usually wears black. She looks super beautiful no matter what color she wears. There was no makeup on her face.. not even a spot. I know that she never enjoys wearing it. And I think she doesn’t need to. She feels so comfortable in her own skin. She wears her confidence every day. That’s what she does. I went closer to her and hugged her from the back. She turned towards me and kissed my neck. I felt so arouse and I pulled her closer to me. Her whole body was touching my whole body. We hugged each other so tight that there was no space between us. After some minutes, her lips kissed me. She likes taking initiation. Our entire relationship is based on her initiations. And she is the only woman who does that. So, I take pleasure in that. She slowly kissed my neck. Her lips touched all over my chest and I couldn’t help but feel the pleasure. No woman I have met made me feel the way she did. I held her head and suck her lips for whole 3 minutes. This woman has everything I want. A thought came into my mind. I should tell her now!!! I shifted my lips from her lips and hugged her to initiate conversation. A sense of worry popped up and I felt so heavy. Then I realized the power of initiation. It takes a lot of courage and will to initiate something. I knelt down myself and said,
“ Nandita, I am not sure of anything in my life except one thing that I am so madly in love with you. I know you can be so scary and heartless sometimes but I still want to be with you. I cannot imagine my life without you. Will you please marry me?”
I took out the diamond ring that I bought this morning and waited for her to answer yes. There was a sincere smile on her face and some people at the beach were taking pictures of us. Then she said the following one sentence with the tone of serenity.
“Shahid, I have no desire to marry you, for, you have damaged many girls’ lives in the past.”
And she gave a kiss on my right cheek.
I watched her walked out until she disappeared.
I couldn’t believe what happen right there. It was midnight and I was numb, deaf, blind, and dumb until next morning.
I came back home and started crying all day, all night. She was right when she said I ruined many girls’ lives but it was before I met her. Was it my fault? Did I deserve what she did? My brain couldn’t function anything. I texted, called, and emailed her for 30 days consecutively. I couldn’t understand what she meant by what she said. She must be kidding. She couldn’t do that. The woman who loves me so much or whom I love so deep can’t do this to me. Days didn’t pass without texting her. Messages and calls were done hoping that she might come back but she didn’t. I kept checking my phone, and emails. I searched for her everywhere. I asked all her friends that I know about her but nobody gave me any concrete. I was clearly alone. I had no idea how to live this life. I didn’t have a desire to live anymore. I felt hopeless and useless. My friends didn’t understand my feelings so I stopped associating with them.

My life was miserable because the woman I love left me. In fact, that’s how love works. I felt like it was my work to be miserable. Because if I can be unhappy then I would prove how much I love her. And if I can prove, we would end up together again. Sounds funny? But it is true, don’t be surprised, buddies. That’s exactly what I felt and I went crazy. Love is suffering together. I didn’t want to suffer alone-without her.
I threw everything that I found in my room. I saw a rope and I took a long pause. I looked for a stand and immediately tied the rope there. I wrote a letter to her before I hung myself and it was:
“ I love you, Nandita. I always will. If there is a life cycle or reincarnation thing, I want to be born as a cat, the black cat that you always carry with you everywhere. I am too vulnerable to continue my life without you. For me, a life without you is equal to dead.” – Shahid
And I ceased to exist. Gradually, the room was full of silent. I was in peace.

(To be continued)


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