It was a September night in Leeds, the guys and me were getting ready for what we hoped would be a cracking night out. It was a Thursday, as weâre fresherâs, we really didnât know whether it was going to be a fun filled night, or a âwhat the fuck are we doing outâ kind of night.
I lived with two guys, Baz and Daz. This was our first proper night out together, all three of us. I hope we go together like The Three Musketeers, probably more like The Three Blind Mice. According to Baz, in Edinburgh, the best type of girls to go for are divorcĂ©s, they put out, and usually donât even ask to spend the night. That sounds perfect to me.
I pulled out my finest Fred Perry polo, skinnies and blue Vans, smart casual is my style. Baz on the other hand, wore his standard pink chinos and a plain white top; he had his leopard skin thong on underneath though. It was his good luck charm, I wasnât buying it.
Now Daz, the quiet Irishman. Heâs never really mentioned where in Ireland heâs from, but he speaks with a very thick accent, and usually the only word I can comprehend is dog, thank you Snatch.
I was absolutely starving, we had around 30 minutes before we were due out, I needed some food quickly. I looked through the cupboards and all we had were some old digestives, cream crackers and a half tin of pedigree chum, thing is, we donât even have a dogâŠ
I put some cream crackers on a plate, got some butter out, and just as I was about to spread, I heard a loud âNOOO!â, Baz ran in and threw the knife to the ground. âYouâre not eating! Weâll get pissed quicker on an empty stomach! Were students now.â He exclaimed. Maybe he was right, probably not, but maybe.
I strolled into Dazâ room to tell him about the food conspiracy. I saw what I can only explain as vegetable rape. He casually threw the vegetable out of his open window, and just stared at me. I quickly told him we have 20 minutes to get ready, and gradually stepped out of the doorway. At least he wrapped his tool; he didnât want to catch anything from that aubergine.
I made my way to the bathroom, strangely not phased by what I just saw. I put my hands on the sink and stared right at myself in the mirror. Psyching myself up for the night ahead. For a good few minutes I was trying different smiles and ways to approach a woman. âoh, hi there Msâ, with a slightly raised eyebrow and side smile, it was going to have to do.
As I walked into the kitchen, Baz was sat at the table with a screwed up page from a newspaper. It was actually page 3 from The sun, never have I seen such deformed tits. âWhatâs in there?â I asked. âSome goodies for this evenings…anticsâ He said. At this point, I couldnât actually imagine what he has in store for us. This now feels like a planned version of the Hangover.
As he started to unfold some â19â-year old womanâs breasts, I wasnât really impressed as little bits of grey and black things started to fall out. Eventually, we had a table full of, well, mushroom bits. âMate, err, whatâs this?â I asked. âGaz, you kidding lad? SHROOMS!â He shouted. âI have a whole stash of them, I picked them before I came to Uni from this abandoned allotment behind my Granddad Fredâs house!â.
Personally, I donât take drugs. I can enjoy my night out with just a few Rum & Cokes or RosĂ© wine. Iâve dabbled with the old Marijuana at parties but thatâs really it. It seems Baz really took the effort to get these, I wouldnât want to be a letdown, Iâm sure it wont hurt anything.
âNice one mate, keep them in your pocket and weâll try them laterâ I said, hesitantly. Suddenly, Daz walked in, dressed in a full suit, with one of those brown public masturbator jackets on, I didnât know whether he was going to try sell me some watches or ask me to get in the van. âYou look, err, good mate.â I said. Whether he understood or not, there was no reply. I took that as a sign we were all ready, at last!
Thankfully, we were only a 5 minute walk into the city center, our house was in a really good spot. There was a little bit of banter going between me and Baz, nothing harmful, just about Bazâs ex girlfriends, and how they all apparently were into water sports. Unfortunately Daz never joined in, hopefully these âshroomsâ will cheer him up. We eventually arrived the first club, I didnât get chance to check the name of it; we were raring to go and got straight in!
A man wearing a latex thong, and nothing else welcomed us in. I thought it was strange but the club might have had some sort of fancy dress night on. We hit the bar straight away not really checking out the place, we just wanted to get a drink down us. Baz bought the first round, Rum & Coke for me, some horrible bitter for him, and a Bloody Mary for Daz. Baz decided to take it upon himself to buy us all Sambuca shots. 3,2,1, necked. Just before taking a sip of his drink, I heard Daz mumble the words, âShe will be bloody when Iâm done with herâ. I could have been mistaken though. I hope to god I am.
We all turned around, searching the place for any female action. We saw quite a few, the only issue was that the females that were actually there, were holding hands with other women, and even kissing each other. This wasnât some fancy dress night, or a themed bar, to our despair, this was a gay bar. It was pretty clear, as the guys were all near enough in the same attire as the concierge, and at the back of the dance floor there was a huge neon sign that just read âGAYâ.
We didnât even stay to finish any of our drinks and just went. We all huddled up outside, glanced at each other, and walked to the next place. This wasnât a great start to the night. Arriving at the next place, there wasnât even a sign and I couldnât even hear any music. We all got inside, no security on the door, strange. I lifted my head up to see refrigerated drinks and sandwiches. Baz chirps up, âJust going to grab some cigs for tonightâ. We were in a 24-hour Tesco Express.
I had a walk round the shop while Baz queued. I saw a pretty girl looking at the baguettes, I wasnât trying anything on in here. Daz walked up the isle to the left of me, which was packed with booze. I just heard a âka-chhssâ, the sound of a can opening. I peered round the isle to see Daz completely downing a pint can of Fosters. He proceeded to drink 3 more, and put them back on the shelf like nothing was wrong, I wasnât stopping him.
We regrouped outside, and took off, again. We arrived at an actual bar this time, I checked the sign, it was a Weatherspoons ,weâre safe. When we got in, the atmosphere was great and the females were in their dozens. I got a double look from a young woman, Iâm not here for any teenager. Walking over to the bar, a door violently swung open leading to the back. We got an amazing aroma of some steak they must have been cooking prior.
It was my round, but all I could think about was the smell of food. Wish Baz would have let me eat earlier. I ordered our drinks, the same again. Hope we can actually finish them this time. I passed the drinks to the guys and asked the bar staff if they could show me a menu. He passed one over but stated the kitchen closed at 10pm. I was distraught. The only food Iâm going to consume now is some horrible processed shit from a takeaway. I put the smaller menu in my wallet; I was coming back here at some point.
I turned back to the guys, low and behold; it looks like Daz has already pulled! I asked Baz and he confirmed he has. This night is getting a lot better. We left Daz to it, me and Baz had a scope around to see who we could be potentially taking home tonight. âBaz, do you have like a, game plan when it comes to pulling those divorcĂ©s?â. He came straight back with â of course, they usually come in twos actually. All I do is, spot them, casually walk past and look for a ringâ. I swear he must have been a pawnbroker in another life.
The plan seemed foolproof, I couldnât see an issue with it. After a few drinks, our confidence had risen at least 50%. We were ready, on our second drink we spotted two of them, he was right they come in pairs, no ring either! At this point, we knew this was it, there was still no sign of Daz and the girl, he might have already took her back. We bought our fourth drink, and strolled over there.
I gave the tall blonde one my new signature move, âoh, hi there Ms.â complete with the eyebrow and smile. She smiled at me, Iâm in. Baz on the other hand, not so good. His opening line, âI fucking love cougars, youâre going to be mine tonight, yeah?â. I was actually embarrassed for him, I hid it well. At least she laughed and thought it was a joke, until he didnât laugh with her, he was serious all right.
I had to step in, âso err, hi! Iâm Gaz, this is Baz, were housemates, heâs just having a joke by the wayâ I laughed awkwardly. The blonde woman is the first to speak âPleasure to meet you Gaz, Iâm Emily, and my friend is Joâ. âJo, eyy? My mums name is Joâ. Baz said somewhat seductively. What has he just done, this was it. She was either going to love it or hate it, this is going to be either like passing go on Monopoly, or getting a fucking jail card.
Unfortunately, she took it like every woman in that situation would, she laughed, and said âIâm sorry Baz, but remarks like that arenât going to get you anywhereâ. Thatâs it, weâre in Jail, and we havenât passed go. Fuck. Emily and Jo walked outside and off into the smoking area. I looked at Baz with disappointment, we both simultaneously left.
We found a bench, just down the road from the pub. Baz was really down, so was I really, they weâre stunning and I had her in the bag. âCâmon Baz, fuck it, whereâs those shrooms?â He smiled as he remembered he had them. He got them out and we ate the whole batch. Nothing was stopping us having a night to remember. Baz said theyâre supposed to take around half an hour to kick in, gives us time to have a bit of a look for Daz.
We checked back at the bar, upstairs and down, he wasnât there, neither was he answering his phone. We both just assumed that he was occupied with the lady. I wasnât really worried; heâs very capable of looking after himself. We strolled down the road to try finding an actual club. Walking past an alleyway, we heard a woman shouting âEugh, get off me, youâre disgusting!â. We had to check it out, the woman sounded in pain, we could be her knights in shining armor, well, leopard skin thong.
Cautiously walking down the alley, we heard her from behind a bin. Baz shouted âHey, everything all right?â âNo! Its not, get me out of here!â She jumped up, pulled up her underwear and ran out of the alley, barging past us. This was strange. We peered behind the bin to see Daz, sat on the floor, laughing to himself. We tried to ask what actually happened, he wasnât complying at all.
We all agreed to get back on the streets again, and to not talk about anything that happened in the last hour. 15 minutes later, we heard rumbling of bass coming from a back street. We followed the music like some desperate stalkers and came across a club. It looked kind of grimy, but it had potential. After a security check, and ÂŁ5 at the door, we were in.
I think it must have been Dazâ turn to buy the drinks, we didnât ask him. Baz got them. Daz wasnât messing about tonight. He walked straight over to a woman who was dancing alone. He put one hand on her hip and one on her cheek. He then pulled her ear towards his mouth. A couple of seconds later, she pushed him away and gave him the biggest slap around the face. Maybe she could only understand the word dog as well.
This was bad. The woman walked over to her friends, which consisted of mostly men who were ten times the size of us. Daz, belly laughing, a lot like Dr. Hibbert from the Simpsons, walked back over to us. âWe should probably leave.â he said in a very calm voice. This wasnât good; I definitely understood that one right. We downed our drinks, Baz threw his up in some young womanâs hair. Everyone immediately turned to us after that, the poor young woman shouting her head off at Baz didnât help, drawing more and more attention to us. We bailed, as fast as we could.
Baz met me down the street, no sign of Daz, shit. We peeked round the corner so we could see the entrance to the club, and there he was, upper cutting one of the security staff. Surprisingly, the security guy hit the deck, he was out cold. Daz put his jacket back on; walking at a steady pace towards us, shouting was coming from the club. He wasnât in a rush. We grabbed him and ran down to the local McDonalds.
Finally. We were at a restaurant. I didnât like to say it but this was the best thing to happen all night. I bought three double cheeseburgers and a milkshake. I was starving. At least it wasnât from some horrible takeaway (wellâŠthis was kind of a more reliable one). We all sat down, Daz and Baz were sat across from me; we had minimal eye contact throughout the meal. Daz only got an espresso, no food. I donât know how he does it.
I stepped outside for some fresh air while finishing my milkshake. Thinking about the night we just had. I donât know how it turned so bad so quickly. Those shrooms must have been duds, I felt fine except the turning in my stomach from the alcohol. I have another year of this, living with these guys. I canât say I was happy about it. Then, I suddenly came to a huge realisation; Iâm an English man, hanging around with a Scotsman and an Irishman.
We were doomed from the start.