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Love in a Hopeless Place: The Diary of Calantha Mora

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November 14th 2012  |  1  |  Category: Fiction , Inspirational , Moral , Romantic Love  |  Author: Carlos Salinas  |  1111 views

September 12th

I don’t know what to believe anymore; “love” is dying all around me. No one I know has what I want in life: love. Am I a fool for still believing that there is love out there somewhere? My parents and everyone else around seems to have no love or an empty shell of love they cling to avoid loneliness. My aunts, uncles, cousins –everyone seems to just settle for someone. It seems like being with anyone is better than being alone. Is that all life is meant to bring us?

I cannot imagine going through my entire life without a man to be there for me to make the world seem less scary and to make each night and day sweeter. Maybe I am a foolish girl to have these hopes. Why should I believe that I will one day find this? What makes me more deserving than everyone who does not have this? Even with all the likelihood that I may never find this, I cannot lose all my hope. I have tried. I have really tried to get this “false” hope out of my heart and squeezed out of my soul. I cannot. I know that without hope, life is meaningless.

-Calantha

September 13th

Love is the enemy here, though I may betray on the battlefield. It is a beautiful struggle. Why is it so elusive? It seems the more I search for it, the more it hides. Perhaps, though, if it were easy to find it would not be as special as it is? They say too much of a good thing is not good. Not in my heart, though. Drown me in love! I cannot imagine a more noble way to die.

-Calantha

September 14th

Rafael is a guy that is truly something different. I met him through my friend, Julianne. I haven’t known him very long but he already stands out compared to the others. It’s in the way he speaks to me. His eyes seduce mine, and mine can’t break away from his. I stammer over my words. Every little thing he does for me I notice. Maybe it’s because no one has done these things for me before. He holds the door open for me, always lets me talk first, and asks me about how I am. It’s not just a question, either. He listens as if it was his own story. He always greets me with a smile and I smile differently when I’m with him. It’s a more honest smile than any other. I have to smile with other people –I don’t want to be rude. With Rafael I can’t help but smile. He always grabs my chin when I smile and tells me how truly beautiful I look when I smile.
All of this and still I cannot shake my fear. I want to let myself fall for him –I can’t see him doing anything to make me cry. I will cry but it will be of happiness, I know. What makes me and him different than everybody else?

-Calantha

September 17th

I am growing closer to Rafael, and I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s like every time I see him, he does something else that inevitably leads to me falling even more for him. I do not think he does it on purpose, it is very sincere and from the heart, I know. He talks to me and I feel as if I was the only person near him for a hundred miles. His hand brushes against mine in the most unexpected moments and I pull away, by instinct, not by choice. I cannot ignore what I am starting to feel for Rafael. I wonder if he can tell. Could he? I try to hide it as much as I can, but tell me, diary, how do you hide back a smile when you feel it come from so deep within your soul? How do you stop a look of complete adoration when the very seed of that adoration stands right before you? I do not know how.

-Calantha

September 19th

I had a very eye-opening conversation with my friend’s grandmother today. She asked if I had ever been in love:
“I’m not sure,” I answered, but the look in my eyes said otherwise. I knew she knew, but was too polite to say anything.
“There’s no special boy in your life, a pretty girl like you?”
I felt my face burn with blood. “Well, love doesn’t exist,” I finally stated.
“Oh? Why do you say that?”
“Because it never lasts.”
“Hmm. I know love that has.”
I felt uncomfortable. How was this lady going to change my mind on such a personal conviction? She didn’t know me.
“Let me ask you something. You say you don’t believe in love because it doesn’t last forever?”

I nodded with a feinted confidence –I wanted her to change my mind.


“So when you die, does that mean you never lived?”
I was confused, perhaps by choice. “What do you mean?”
“When one day you finally die, does that mean you never lived because you didn’t live forever? Or, if the great flower bed outside is one day is no longer there, does that also take the beautiful scene it paints now?
I couldn’t answer her questions; I just stayed staring at her.
“You see, even if love doesn’t last forever, it doesn’t mean any less when it was there. The memories you make are kept safely up here and in here,” she motioned to her head and her chest.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally spoke. “But…What if he hurts me?” This was the hardest question to ask, but the fact that she was a stranger made it easier to ask her. “He can really hurt me if my heart is his.”
“Has he given you a reason not to trust him?”
Rafael had never given me a reason and I could not even fathom the possibility of him ever giving me one. “No … not yet.”
“Yet?”
“I can’t see the future.”
“No one can, but does that keep people from living their lives?”
I hated rhetorical questions.

“So you are afraid of something that is nowhere to be expected or seen in the future –makes perfect sense.” She smiled. She wasn’t being rude, just honest. How could I answer that? “My dear, if he were the type to hurt you, you wouldn’t have fallen for him, especially a smart girl like you.” Her voice was so calm and soothing –like she sang to a child. And I was a child for the questions I was asking and for the fear I hid behind false reasons. “If he truly deserves your heart, he won’t do anything to hurt you.” She smiled kindly.
That was our conversation. How could I fear something that was so unlikely to happen? Rafael up until now has never disrespected me or neglected to make me feel special. He is the measure of a man that I could only have dreamed of; a gentleman in every way; a true knight in shining armor.

-Calantha

September 20th

I asked my family for advice on what to do about Rafael. They dismissed my feelings as silly teenage whims of the heart.
“Even if he does say he loves you, he’s too young to know what love is,” was my aunt’s response.
“You are too young to be thinking about such things,” was my cousin’s response to my asking her. I knew she had had very bad relationships in the past. I knew that it had tainted her image of love.
Why does everyone want to kill what we have? It seems that everyone wants us to be as miserable as they are. They may be right. When one day you finally die, does that mean you never lived because you didn’t live forever? The grandmother’s words struck a chord with me that could finally reconcile my heart and my brain to finally take a chance.

-Calantha
September 24th

Rafael and I kissed today! He took me to see the stars with his telescope. He is so smart; he explained how the planets moved and told me about some guy named Galileo. I could listen to him talk about anything. After eating, we went to the park just as the sun was setting and the stars were gorgeous. I love to look at the night’s sky but it felt very different seeing them with Rafael next to me. I put my head on his shoulder and although it was not as soft as a pillow, it was much more comforting. He kissed my forehead and I did not see anything else but him after that. The moonlight covered us in a pale blanket of luminosity and the stars seemed to put on a show just for us. They twinkled more than I had ever seen before. Everything seemed to make more sense: the patterns of the constellations, the cool breeze blowing, and the harmony of the crickets. Before the crickets had just made noise; now they played an orchestrated symphony.
It wasn’t until the very end of our adventure that he leaned in to kiss me as he left me at my door. It was incredible! The smallest kiss made the biggest difference in my life.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“For what?” he asked.
“For showing me that princes do exist.”
I do not know what will happen or where he will lead me, but I know I am not lost.

-Calantha

Source: http://sanantonio.craigslist.org/ats/3259455282.html

 

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One Response to Love in a Hopeless Place: The Diary of Calantha Mora

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