One cold spring morning I woke on the sofa downstairs. While I was almost coming to terms with my surroundings, two plain-featured young girls appeared and stood by my side with their hands clasped together in front of there identical pink dresses. One was about 8 and the other 12.
As they looked down at me, I noticed their hair was in bunches tied with pink ribbons and also matching. Smiling at me first they looked at each other then giggled and looked back at me yawning and stretching.
Then two boys came into the room and stood behind them looking at me over the girlâ€™s shoulders. They were aged about 6 and 10.
A small rounded lady appeared next, and Laura my wife followed close behind.
â€śThanks for letting us stay,â€ť she said with her hands gripped together resting on the top of her huge stomach.
The two girls bent down and put their arms around my neck and said thank you in tune as one.
I looked up at Laura as she explained that it was a friend from work and her husband had thrown them all out. Then she went on to say.
â€śI told them it would be OK for them to stay while she sorted things out with Dave, her husband.â€ť
I was not pleased. Laura reeled off some names in turn which went in one ear and out the other.
I stood up and went into the kitchen made my self a coffee. Laura followed me in and pushed the kitchen door too.
â€śIâ€™m sorry they turned up last night while you were up the Red Lion having a drink and I couldnâ€™t say no!â€ť
Still not pleased I half smiled, picked up my coffee and went upstairs to my office quietly to do some work on my new book.
I sat at my desk for a while staring into space and thinking how my life is not my own anymore!
After a while, I decided to make my self another coffee.
I picked up my empty mug, switched the screen off, pulled the door shut behind me and started to walk down the stairs. The lady was standing at the bottom, and she saw me chewing.
â€śWhat have you got there?â€ť she said with an inquisitive look.
â€śOh nothing, itâ€™s just a sweetie I found in my pocket.â€ť
â€śMy Children like sweeties!â€ť
â€śIâ€™m sorry I donâ€™t have any more, Iâ€™ve eaten them all,â€ť I said looking at her huge stomach!â€ť
As I got to the bottom of the stairs, a letter came through the door and landed on the floor, so I brushed past her to pick it up.
â€śDONâ€™T JUST PUSH ME OUT THE WAY LIKE Iâ€™M A NONENTITY!â€ť
I was stunned as I looked at her face frowning at me.
Within a split second the frown changed to a smile.
â€śIâ€™m Sorry!â€ť She said quickly.
Un-impressed I turned to go towards the kitchen, and I heard her shuffling behind me.
â€ś I am sorry, itâ€™s just, with Dave yesterday and the pressures you know!â€ť she said.
Just then Laura appeared from the garage with some articles of washed clothing in her arms and looked at me.
â€śWhatâ€¦ Is everything OK?â€ť she asked.
â€śIâ€™m going back upstairs to do some more work!â€ť
With that, I left Laura and her friend together in the kitchen.
I carried on writing for a while and thought nothing more about the misunderstanding.
While I was tapping away at the keyboard, I thought I heard a loud noise from downstairs and went to investigate. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I looked around and saw everything seemed to be okay.
So realizing I was a little bit hungry, I had a look in the cupboards for something to nibble and I found another packet of the same sweeties. I opened it and pulled one out.
Just as I placed it in my mouth and closed the cupboard door, a voice said, â€śI thought you said you had no more sweeties! Are my kids not good enough for youâ€™re sweeties!!?â€ť
I studied her fat ugly face for a second or two, and I opened the cupboard again to put the sweets back on the top shelf knowing that she couldnâ€™t reach them. I could feel my blood starting to bubble up inside my veins.
For a split second, I thought about apologizing to her for finding the sweets in the cupboard, and then she curled her nose up showing her yellow and black stained front teeth and pushed the cupboard door hard into my face.
â€śIM SORRY!â€ť She shouted, holding her hands over her mouth. The doorknob hit me hard on my nose. I noticed the kids appear one by one and stand behind her like mere-cats staring at me, watching the blood pour from my nose and drip on to the floor.
I held my nose with one hand and pointed to the front door with the other.
â€ťGet all your stuff together and get out now!â€ť
She glared at me screwing her nose up and clasping her teeth firmly together. Then she started shaking her head slowly from side to side.
She pointed at me with her fat stumpy index finger.
â€śYou get out!â€ť she growled, and then the kids joined in, pointing their dirty little fingernails and chanting together in a harmonious tone.
â€śYou get outâ€¦! You get outâ€¦! You get out!â€ť
I tried to gently squeeze passed them as the smallest boy punched me in the groin and I fell to the floor in pain.
â€śYou all need â€¦ get out before I call the police!â€ť I explained as Laura opened the door looking at them standing over me as I knelt on the floor.
Before Laura could say anything, the tall girl grabbed lauraâ€™s hair and with her rotten, crooked teeth showing and shouted in her ear.
â€śTELL THAT HORRIBLE FUCKING HUSBAND OF YOURS TO GET OUT THIS HOUSE NOW!â€ť
Laura screamed and held her hair at the back of her head trying to stop the girl from pulling it out in clumps.
The two boys jumped on me and started punching me in the head. I covered my face and tried to stand up. I could hear Laura screaming â€śGET OFF ME!â€ť
I struggled to stand up and push the boys off on to the floor as the small girl reached up and scratched the side of my face with her razor-sharp filthy finger-nails. She had a look of the devil on her ugly face as she cried, â€śTAKE THAT YOU FUCKER!
â€śI grabbed the toaster from the side and smashed off her head. She fell to the floor in a heap.
I moved away, and the smallest boy grabbed my ankle with both hands. I dragged him along the floor as I tried to get the other girl off Laura. She was clinging on to her back and spitting blood into her hair.
I felt a sharp pain in my ankle as the boy bit into my flesh.
â€śYOU LITTLE BASTARDâ€ť I cried out.
I tried to shake my foot from his grip and kicked him with the heel of my shoe. Then he screamed. â€śMOM, THIS FUCKER JUST KICKED ME IN THE FACE!â€ť
Then I heard Laura as she shouted. â€śLEAVE ME ALONE!â€ť
She shoved the girl on to the wall, and she fell to the floor holding her arm.
Just then the mother jumped on my back and put her arm firmly around my throat from behind trying to choke me. I pulled her hand away and elbowed her in the stomach. I heard her moan as she fell, it sounded like someone dropped a bag of wet shit.
Again I tried to get to Laura. I tried to pull the girls off as they started kicking her legs and ankles. She screamed in pain and fell to her knees again with her hands over her head. I pulled the girls off and threw them across the room. The older girl banged her head on the radiator. As she turned, she looked at me with venom. She stood up and walked towards me, and then she fell to her knees and bit me hard on the back of my leg.
I turned and kicked her hard in the face than one of the boys leaped from the worktop on to my back trying to gouge my eyes out. I grabbed his hands firmly, and I threw him at his mom who had rolled over and was trying to stand up. She fell backward again, smashing into the fridge door then on to the floor.
I was exhausted. I grabbed Laura, and we tried to get into the hall by the phone when I heard the mother shouting â€śBITE THE BASTARD AND KICK THE BITCH! BITE THE BASTARD AND KICK THE BITCH!â€ť
Laura grabbed a girl and threw her against the kitchen door, and she crumbled to the floor and lay still.
I glanced into the kitchen there was blood everywhere.
I picked the phone up in the hall, and one of the boys grabbed it and kicked me in the shin Laura threw a couple of ornaments at the other one as he ran towards us and one hit him in the eye. He stood holding his face.
Then their mother came out the kitchen again her hands were like animal claws in front of her bloodied face. She tried to grab for me as less picked up a chair and hit her hard on the back of the head, again she went down with a thud.
The two girls leaped on to Laura kicking and punching. Laura ran against the wall, and one dropped to the floor winded. Then she ran to the front door smashing into the frame, and the other one fell. Laura tried to open the door to get out, but the girl was sitting with her back against it grinning. As she smiled, I noticed some of her front teeth were missing and her mouth was pouring blood, then she snarled. â€śYOU WONâ€™T GET OUT OF HERE ALIVE LADY!â€ť
Worn out, I pushed my way into the front room with a boy on my back trying the get to my eyes again. I throw him off, and he landed on the glass coffee table smashing it into tiny little bits. I wanted to get Laura and went back into the hall she was kicking the girl hard in the legs. To girl rolled over and was laughing out loud spitting blood everywhere as she shouted.
â€śKICK ME BITCH! KICK ME FUCKING HARDER BITCH!â€ť
I grabbed Laura and pulled her off, and the girl rolled back singing.
â€śThat didnâ€™t hurt me, that didnâ€™t hurt me!â€ť
Blood was pouring down her chin and on to her clothes as the mother appeared again. Laura chucked the telephone table at her. It hit her in the face. I hoped that was the end of her as she lay up against the wall still and not moving.
Laura looked shattered by now. This battle had now become a fight for survival. No more worrying about them being kids, girls, or women.
I looked at Laura breathing heavy and covered in blood as the mother launched herself at me again. We smashed through the lounge door. There were wood, glass, clumps of hair and blood everywhere. We landed on to the floor rolling around I tried to grab her hand to stop her from clawing at me.
â€śYOU AND THAT WIFE OF YOURS ARE DEAD FUCKING MEAT!â€ť she cried out when she bit my cheek. I sat up, leaned back, turned and head-butted her full on the nose as hard as I could. More blood sprayed everywhere as she lay there holding it. â€śYOU FUCKING BASTARD!â€ť she screamed!
I turned to see what Laura was doing and shouted â€śTHROW SOMETHING THROUGH THE WINDOW! MAYBE SOMEONEâ€¦ was all I could scream as another object hit me hard in the back of the head.
As I stood up, I court a glimpse of Laura pushing the girls off again. She picked up a vase and hurled it at the window. It bounced off and smashed on the floor. One of the girls lay down behind Laura while the other one pushed her backward. Laura lost her balance and fell banging her head on the wall. I turned to see the woman picking up one of the boys from the smashed coffee table in her arms she was looking at him as if he was dead.
NO! She cried looking up at the ceiling. She placed him on the settee and turned towards me â€śYOU WILL DIE SLOWLY FOR THIS YOU PIECE OF SHIT!â€ť she yelled at me.
â€śYOU WILL FUCKING DIE!â€ť
Again she launched herself at me screaming.
I HATE YOU, YOU FUCK!
I stood up and punched her full on in the face, and she collapsed on the floor. I turned to see where Laura was as a boy leaped on my back again. I throw him off on to the ground.
Laura shouted, â€śOPEN THE FRONT DOOR WHILE I HOLD ON TO THESE TWO!â€ť
I shuffled over almost on my knees and opened the door. The woman tried to stop me and pushed me outside, and we rolled on to the grass. I picked up a large plant pot and smashed it over her head, but she turned with even more determination in her eyes she grabbed my hair and pulled it vigorously, so I elbowed her in the face again harder.
The pain I was in was unbearable at this time; I didnâ€™t know what part of my body hurt the most. As I pushed the woman away, I could hear screaming and shouting and then one of the girls flew out the door and landed on the side of me. She climbed on top and clawed my face. I shoved her off me, but then she got up and ran back stamping on my ribs. I kicked her hard in the ribs, and she landed on the drive wedged under the front bumper of my car screaming and holding her head. Laura came out with the other girl on her back hanging on around her neck. Laura just ran up the road trying to shove her off and catch someoneâ€™s attention.
HELP! HELP! WE NEED HELP! She cried, CALL THE POLICE!
An old couple ran down someoneâ€™s drive to get out the way and dropped the dogs lead. The dog started barking and snapping at Lauraâ€™s ankles.
Out the corner of my eye, I noticed the woman started to move again on the grass, so I throw another plant pot at her head. Bits of crock where sticking out of her red-blooded cheeks and head as she groaned once more.
Then the two boys appeared at the front door with large carving knives in their hands from the kitchen. They stood there smiling at each other and ringing the doorbell. DING DONG! DING DONG!
They stared at me holding them in the air. As their blood-covered bodies walked towards me, I felt a sharp pain in my leg. It went numb instantly. I tried hard to move it, from under my desk but I had to stand up and stretch it.
Then I heard a loud cry from downstairs as I stood up holding my calf muscle.
Byeâ€¦ Thank you ever so much for having us all. It was nice to meet you!!!
I waved, sat down and carried on writing my new book! Start writing hereâ€¦