Humpty Dumpty, the Real Story
HUMPTY DUMPTY, FELL FROM THE TOP OF THE OLD STONE WALL AT POACHBURG HALL, the headlines read in the Eggland Gazette. He is in surgery at the Albumin Medical Center. The article went on to say, he had a skull fracture. The King has sent for all his men, ordering them to drop whatever they are doing, and rush to the hospital to see if they can save Humptyâ€™s life.
Humpty Dumpty is the mayor of the small town of Cracopen on the coast off the island of Crate. His work has been exemplary for the seventeen years he has held that position. He has collected more taxes for the king than any previous mayor in that town. Is it any wonder the king wants Humpty restored to health?
â€śNurse Cluck, keep the patient comfortable and let me know if anything changes and I mean, anything.â€ť
â€śYes, Doctor.â€ť Doctor Crower knew how important it was to keep Humpty alive. If anything happens to him on the doctorâ€™s watch, the king will have his head.
â€śHow are you feeling, Mr. Dumpty?â€ť Miss Cluck asked.
â€śIâ€™ve got a terrible headache,â€ť Dumpty replied. â€śI hurt all over.â€ť
â€śWell, the doctor is doing everything within his power to get you up and out of here.â€ť
â€śThatâ€™s ni…â€ť Humpty fell asleep; the drugs kept him drowsy most of the time.
â€śHowâ€™d this terrible thing happen?â€ť the King said. â€śHow?â€ť
Known for his impatience and terrible temper, Miss Cluck is frightened in the presence of the mighty king. â€śThey said he fell off the wall at Poachburg Hall, Your Highness.â€ť
â€śWhat was he doing sitting atop that rock wall?â€ť the king asked.
â€śI… I… I’m— not— sure, Your Majesty,â€ť Miss Cluck said.
â€śThen who is? I want to know what he was doing on that wall. Get me the doctor. Now.â€ť
â€śYes… Your… Magnificence.â€ť
Miss Cluck called the doctor at home and told him the king wanted to see him. Now.
â€śBut… I havenâ€™t eaten supper yet— oh, never mind; Iâ€™ll be right there.â€ť
â€śGood evening, Your Highness,â€ť Doctor Crower said entering the room.
â€śGood evening, nothing. I want to know what Dumpty was doing sitting atop that awful wall. Now, why was he up there?â€ť
The doctor afraid to say the wrong thing said, â€śI donâ€™t know, Your Highness.â€ť
â€śWell, who, for pity sake knows if you donâ€™t?â€ť
â€śI have no idea, Your Highness. I only know they brought him in around three-thirty this afternoon…â€ť
â€śI wonâ€™t stand to have you lose this patient, Doctor. He is very valuable to me. If he dies— you will answer to me. Do you understand?â€ť the King raged.
â€śY…es, Your Highness; I understand.â€ť
â€śThen see that you use whatever is necessary to make sure he lives. Is that clear?â€ť
â€śYes, Your Highness.â€ť
â€śNow take all my men and their horses and put my mayor back together. Today, Doctor, today.â€ť The king stormed out of the room, his entourage in his wake.
â€śDoctor, Dumpty isnâ€™t going to make it, is he?â€ť Miss Cluck said.
â€śIâ€™m afraid not— too much damage.â€ť
While the doctor and Miss Cluck were talking, the Mayor of Eggland, Humpty Dumpty flatlined.
â€śHeâ€™s gone, Doctor,â€ť Miss Cluck said.
â€śWhat are we going to do Miss Cluck?â€ť
â€śI donâ€™t know, Doctor, but youâ€™d better think of something fast, or you will be at the kingâ€™s mercy, and you know, he is not merciful.â€ť
Doctor Crower thought for a moment, his eyes staring blankly at the ceiling. Suddenly, a smile crossed his lips. â€śIâ€™ve got it, Miss Cluck; Iâ€™ve got a plan. Iâ€™ve got something I want you to do for me.â€ť
Miss Cluck returned from her errand for Doctor Crower. She passed him the gray carton containing a dozen eggs.
â€śYes, we are going to find a clone,â€ť the doctor smiled.
â€śBut, how will you pass him off as Mr. Dumpty? There is a lot to being a mayor.â€ť
â€śHumpty Dumpty was nothing more than a stooge for the king, and anybody can make a stooge out of an egg. Now get going, and donâ€™t let any of the Kingâ€™s Men know what we are up to, Miss Cluck, or it will be the end of us all.â€ť
â€śI wonâ€™t, Doctor.â€ť
The doctor opened the carton and picked an egg that looked very much like Humpty Dumpty. He put it in an incubator to warm it up.
â€śBrrrr! Iâ€™m cold,â€ť the egg said. â€śWhere have I been. The last thing I remember is some man putting me into a soft bed. I must have fallen asleep.â€ť
â€śWhatâ€™s your name?â€ť the doctor asked.
â€śI have no idea. I donâ€™t know who I am.â€ť
All the better, the doctor thought. â€śYour name is Humpty Dumpty. You are the mayor of Eggland.â€ť
â€śI am? Thatâ€™s funny; I donâ€™t remember being a mayor.â€ť
â€śYouâ€™ve got amnesia, Mr. Dumpty, of course; you wouldnâ€™t remember. Trust me, you are Humpty Dumpty.â€ť
â€śIf you say so…eh, just who are you?â€ť
â€śIâ€™m Doctor Crower and this is Nurse Cluck. You are in the hospital.â€ť
â€śI am? Whatâ€™s the matter with me?â€ť
â€śYou fell off the wall at Poachburg Hall and broke your skull.â€ťâ€¨â€¨ â€śI did?â€ť
â€śYes, and our fine staff here put you back together again. You are as good as new.â€ť
â€śThatâ€™s nice,” the egg replied. “When can I go home? And, by the way, where is home?â€ť
â€śWhy, itâ€™s Eggland. Youâ€™re the mayor, remember?â€ť
â€śYes, yes, of course. I am the mayor of Eggland. My name is Humpty Dumpty.â€ť
â€śAnd, under no circumstances are you ever to sit on that wall at Poachburg Hall. Understood?â€ť
â€śYes, Doctor, I understand.â€ť
The Captain of the Guard told the king; his men had put Humpty Dumpty together again.
The egg from the market became the new mayor of Eggland and ruled for many years to the delight of the king and all his men.
And, everyone lived happily ever after, except the real Humpty Dumpty, of course, the doctor poached him for breakfast the next morning and had him on a slice of whole wheat toast with Hollandaise sauce.