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Do you love me?

8 votes, average: 3.13 out of 58 votes, average: 3.13 out of 58 votes, average: 3.13 out of 58 votes, average: 3.13 out of 58 votes, average: 3.13 out of 5    3.13/5
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February 22nd 2012  |  5  |  Category: Inspirational , Romantic Love , Tragedy  |  Author: lulu123  |  1381 views

A boy and a girl were hopelessly in love. But the boy had a condition where he couldn’t speak, this changed nothing though.They loved each other so much that they would Leave each other little notes saying how much they love each other. One day the girl receives a phone call from her boyfriend,

Girl”hello”

Boy”hello,we need to talk”

Girl”what happened?”

Boy”you can’t see me again

Girl “no! why?!?”

Boy “I have cancer, I have one week left and I dont want you to see me like this”

Girl”no!!(crying)”

Boy”I love you so much, never forget that, but even when I’m gone, there will still be a reminder of me for you”

Girl”I love you so much but…”
( phone cuts off)

ONE TRAUMATIC WEEK LATER

The girl receives the news of her boyfriends death, she falls to the floor in tears and runs to her room. There is a note under her pillow it reads,
“if you are reading this, then I am gone, I loved you so much, never let that go.”

The girl smiles and holds the note close to her heart, tears streak down her face. She walks to the bathroom, the note still in her hand, holds a knife firm in her hand and shouts “I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU”

She dropped to the floor, note still in her hand, and a smile on her face. She was finally with him.

 

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5 Responses to Do you love me?

  1. Avatar of Ami Ami says:
    February 23, 2012 at 5:00 am

    very heart touching story.

  2. Rimzhim says:
    February 23, 2012 at 11:28 am

    Hey that’s a good one story; i think u ended it up very quickly, could have elaborated it little more, would have been a much better story line, also what i couldn’t get as why u categorized it an inspirational one. please give me a reason, may be i am not getting it. thanks.

  3. Avatar of duskbrood duskbrood says:
    February 24, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Ok, this is a good start. A short little thing like this is how all good stories get going. That said, the reader needs a lot more if they’re going to feel invested in this couple. Just a few suggestions:
    - Expound a lot more on their relationship before the beginning. Show us how much they love each other, give us maybe a couple of the times they shared. This will let the reader feel more invested in the relationship.
    - If the boy can’t talk, how do they speak on the phone?
    - Give them names. We can’t relate to “boy” and “girl”. If you want to create them as shells we can all slip into give them common names like “Jane” and “Tom”.
    - I’d like to see this conversation more. Show us their thoughts and feelings by adding tag lines. The boy would be a lot more nervous about telling her, he’d probably drag it out a little, lead up.
    - Show us this “traumatic week”. I’d really like to see the girl spiraling down. People don’t just kill themselves every time a relationship ends, show us her mind.
    - Love that last sentence. It’s the kind that gives goosebumps.
    Remember, these are all just personal suggestions from experience. Take them or leave them, but keep writing, you definitely have a lot of potential.

  5. Nacho says:
    April 10, 2012 at 5:52 pm

    How is it the boy has a condition were he cannot speak but yet is capable of calling her the phone?????

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