Everyone who has played Bethesda’s most recent Elder Scrolls game Skyrim, has plenty of heroic and nefarious stories about killing rebels, stealing horses, and avoiding deadly traps. This story, however, is the result of The Dark Brotherhood not checking references before hiring a man for the job…
The Quest: Bound Until Death. The Target, Vittoria Vici (a cousin to the emperor of Cyrodil). The Dark Brotherhood gave this quest to Rizzen in an attempt to bring the Emperor to Skyrim so that they may assassinate him as well. They wanted something public, something the crowd would remember. They got it.
This is the man they hired for the job. Rizzen: the Dragonborn Dark Elf Archmage of the Wizard’s College, Expert Level Destruction Wizard, Conquerer Whiterun in the name of the rebellion and the Stormcloaks, and known for the occasional slaughter of an entire outlying village. Rizzen had often traveled around with a rather slimy greedy Khajit (cat-man) named Jhzargo. (He’d fry you with lightning from his fingertips if he thought you had some hidden Catnip) Rizzen’s primary fighting style was to sprint into rooms, light the entire thing on fire and shoot enormous Ice spikes at anything that came stumbling out. The perfect assassin, right?
The wedding took place in Solitude, a North-Eastern Hold with strong ties to the empire. Rizzen was wanted in the city for thievery. Actually, maybe it was assault…though it’s pretty unlikely he attacked someone and didn’t kill them. Murder. It was definitely murder. So as he approached the wedding, Rizzen was stopped by guards.
“You are under arrest for crimes against Skyrim!”
“I’ll pay the fine, here you go.” Gotta love Skyrim’s justice system.
With a clean slate, Rizzen, the convicted murderer felon Dragonborn Archmage rebel leader of the Storm Cloaks, was allowed to freely enter the wedding of the Emperor’s Cousin. Rizzen wandered amongst the party, staring at people just long enough to make them uncomfortable. He could see that the wedding was filled with guards. There were easily fifteen well armed, well trained, professional soldiers protecting the Emperor’s cousin. Feeling a tad nervous, Rizzen consumed 5 bottles of ale and two bottles of wine for a little liquid courage. That’s when they spotted the target sitting next to her husband, hand in hand. The Dragonborn turned to look at his dear friend and long time adventuring companion, Jhzargo.
“Khajit guards your back!”
Rizzen shook his head. Not yet, Jhzargo. Not yet.
After the ceremony, Vittoria moved to give a speech. Rizzen could not quite remember what the speech was about. Something like– unify Skyrim through this marriage, long live the emperor, long live Skyrim– Rizzen and Jhzargo weren’t really listening. Vittoria had climbed to a balcony for a better view of the crowd she was addressing. The guards didn’t say a word as Rizzen and Jhzargo casually walked up the stairs and got in position behind Vittoria. She stood there twenty feet above the crowd in her fine dress, a ring of flowers upon her head, speaking of hope and unity with all eyes on her…
Suddenly the entire balcony exploded. Vittoria’s body, a flaming sack of meat, flew over the screaming crowd to land face-first on the stone below. Before anyone realized what was happening, the Archmage was standing on the ledge of the balcony launching fireballs into the crowd. Bodies were hurled about as force and fire ravaged the wedding. Sure, Rizzen could have simply shot an icicle through her back or gone even more conventional and just stabbed her. Hell, he could have probably pushed her from the balcony, but he opted instead to blow the whole damn wedding up. Maybe Rizzen wanted this one to be remembered or maybe it was the seven bottles of booze he drank before climbing the stairs, but something whispered in him, “Eh, fuck it.”
As the crowd scattered before him, Rizzen heard in Jhzargo’s thick Elswyrian accent,
“By the Twin Moons!”
The purple pop and crackle of Jhzargo’s lightning sounded from behind as guards rushed up the stairs seeking justice for the murdered bride. Rizzen could see they were far too many to fight off. Realizing they had never discussed what to do after Vittoria was murdered, what’s the plan? Fight the entire city? Hell no. The Archmage leaped from the balcony to the flaming courtyard. When he landed, Rizzen looked up to see four guards just brutalizing Jhzargo with two-handed hammers. As he turned to flee the city of Solitude, he could hear the crunch of Khajit bones and the waning crackle of lightning.
There you go Jhzargo. Keep guarding my back.